I work with a needy man, the kind of person who needs constant attention and feels threatened by silence. If I choose to read something on my phone instead of giving him attention he asks if everything’s all right. If I choose to meditate, adopting a yoga like position and closing my eyes before working he asks the same. It’s like he needs people talking to him constantly.
I am the opposite, I believe: I don’t talk about my life at work, I go there because I need a paycheck, but I’m open to learn from more knowledgeable colleagues, something he clearly is not.
What I’ve done so far: avoiding him, not looking him in the eye when he wants to talk to me, telling him that I’m working when he wants to talk to me, giving dull answers, feigning ignorance about several topics, ignoring him when I’m talking to another person and he asks what we’re talking about.
He still comes and sits next to me and tells me about his family, something I don’t care about.
I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.
Why am I like this?
If you’re a guy, I have found treating these interactions as mindfulness exercises is helpful. If you’re a woman, he’s in love with you, I’m sorry.
No one seems to be mentioning what I suspect might be the problem here
He’s a man and you’re a woman, is this the case ? and he will NOT leave you alone. I don’t blame you for not mentioning that part, given all the bullshit that straight guys do.
If that’s the case: this is an issue for HR and when they don’t believe you, it’s an issue for a lawyer (because then they might believe you)
People like him are dangerous.
For the love of God, do not directly say it to this person, speak to HR or your supervisor and tell them you are feeling harassed at work and can’t do your job.
If you say anything to the man all he’s going to conclude is that you are against him, and his paranoia will kick in, and he will make problems for you that you can’t anticipate.
Bring or get some large ear covering headphones. Wear them all the time regardless of if you are listening to anything. Ignore attempts to distract. Practice and say, “sorry, focused right now” and go back to work.
If I may rephrase what I’m reading: You don’t want to tell him to leave you alone because you would be upset if someone told you that.
Here’s the thing: you don’t know that will upset him. TL;DR of the rest of my post: he probably won’t take it the way you would, and I highly recommend being straightforward with him.
I suggest reading about the difference in Ask Culture vs Guess Culture. Those of us who grew up in a guess culture manage our own actions based on what we think will be acceptable to those around us and won’t even initiate something if it would be deemed inappropriate, so it’s rare we have to be told “no”. Those in ask culture will just ask and be totally fine if told no, because they haven’t already done the pre-work to figure out if their request will be approved.
One of the best lessons I’ve had in the past few years is that other people don’t respond like me. I mean, that should be obvious. But it came up in the context of being a manager at work with an underperformer. I would be devastated if my boss told me I was not doing well at my job, and so I was terrified of telling my direct report that. I communicated the gaps in her specific actions for months, but we finally got to a point where I needed to have the conversation that I didn’t think the role was the right fit for her. It was one of the hardest days in my career. And she thanked me for it!
I was so scared because I was imagining how I’d feel hearing what I was going to say. But she’s not me! And instead of being upset, she felt relief to hear someone else say it.
You’re afraid of being rude, and that shows you have compassion and care for others. But I bet you that this coworker of yours just needs to be told, and not communicating with him is actually less kind.
A quote from a favorite book series of mine is a take on our “golden rule” through an alien culture: “The Iron Rule: Treat others less powerful than you however you like. The Silver Rule: Treat others as you’d like to be treated. The Golden Rule: Treat others as they’d like to be treated.”
How about direct communication? Saying you don’t like talking about non work related stuff at work is not rude. Saying you are not interested in a conversation right now is also not rude.
Rude would be to disregard your request and tbh I find the methods you tried quite rude.
If you’re trying to salvage a work relationship and ‘say the right things’ I get it, but sometimes being blunt and abrupt is exactly what’s needed. Something short but courteous like ‘its always great catching up but I need to get to work’ or even more direct like ‘im sorry but I don’t have time to be doing this in the mornings and these conversations are putting me behind on my work.’ or if this isn’t a situation where you’re trying to preserve a work relationship go the abrasive route and state that you’ve tried to be kind but if he doesn’t stop talking to you you’ll be forced to go to HR. You have protections for exactly this situation if you do report to HR.
“Please, leave me alone.”
Nicely, no more than 2 episodes.
If additional episodes occur:
“Please, leave me alone or I’ll complain to HR.”
“Not now, I am busy”
"Great! I need to work now, see you around!’
You don’t need to be boring - I am telling you, working woman to working woman, that is an ineffective strategy with determined guys. You need to convince him you do not have time for him in your full and interesting life.
Seems like you tried all the regular tricks in the book. Try telling your manager or HR and see if they can do something about it. You want to work and the company does alse but this guy clearly doesn’t.
What did he say when you directly told him to leave you alone and give you more space?
These sound like bread and butter small talk type work interactions.
Just gonna be blunt… meditating at work and adopting a yoga like position is going to attract attention and will invite co-workers to enquire after your well being.
If this guy is your biggest problem at work then you have a pretty great job.
That depends on the type of work OP does and when exactly are they adopting the yoga stance. People can do whatever they want during breaks.
But ultimately I agree with your last sentence.
Of course people can do what they want during their breaks.
What I’m getting at is, mediation or yoga in the break room is an unusual behavior and well meaning co-workers “just trying to be nice” will enquire after your well being.
If you don’t want to interact with co-workers on your break, put your head phones on while you play with your phone.
I totally see your point, which is why I mentioned this really depends on context. I’ve worked in places where people actually did stretches or meditation during their breaks and nobody cared for it. But I can totally see how that wouldn’t fly in other places.
Also, from experience - some people will still talk to you even if you have headphones and your attention on the phone.
Just tell Brendan to shut up.
Nobody here noticed the tinny little fact that you seem to be a woman. One that works out and attracts attention (i.e. your story about a dude eyeing you in the park). The coworker might simply find you attractive.
Or he’s under the belief all women live to serve men cute little fascinations in their mundane lives. That they exist to smile, sound angelic, giggle, and put a hand on their arms in normal conversation. Based on an attraction thing, but not necessarily targeted at OP.
