Something I’ve never been that great at is spontaneous conversation. I’m more than capable of public speaking if I’ve prepared something in advance. But if someone asks me something out of the blue, I really struggle to engage in deep conversation. Afterwards I’ll think to myself damn, why didn’t I bring up X or Y?
Half the time I don’t know what to add and I struggle to think of what to say. Sometimes words feel like they’re on the tip of my tongue and I can’t get them out, especially when I’m under pressure. And in group conversations, I find it hard to interject when I do think of a point. By the time a natural break comes along, the conversation has moved on.
I’d love to get better at this. What can I do to improve?
The thing that cracked it open for me was Dale Carnegie “How to Make Friends and Influence People”. It is very old fashioned but the core message is evergreen. People aren’t interested in you. They are interested in themselves. The more you are interested in them the more interested they will be in you. They will eventually want to know what’s on your mind but only because it’s a mind that shares interest.
This sounds kind of manipulative because we are only doing it for attention. But the thing is people can smell that from a mile away. You actually have to BE interested and remember the things. You can’t just pretend to listen or you will get the opposite effect.
10/10 would recommend
I make new friends constantly just by being genuinely interested in them. I ask a question and while they talk I think of the next question and so on. Eventually, they show genuine interest in return.
It really works when used appropriately.
Newer editions do update the cultural references (which the book has always made heavy use of, and relies on heavily to hammer home it’s points). The newer editions might be an easier read for this reason.
One thing I’ve learned, is to be comfortable with some silence, and taking a moment to think. I’ll even announce “hang on, I need to put my words together right” and then just internally monologue my thoughts into order while the other person waits for me to speak again.
Usually, there is no rush, we just imagine others to be impatient and feel pressure for no real reason. But really, there’s no reason a conversation requires words be spoken non-stop. In fact I’ve found that when I force these breaks, the other people participating use the time to do some silent thinking, too, and come back with more thought out things to say when the conversation resumes.
Especially if you find yourself more comfortable with texting, where you can lay out your sentences and edit them until they feel right, you might just need to learn to do the same thing face to face.
Yes I think you’re right - sometimes I’ll feel like I need to fill a silence, and end up spewing out nonsense. Then I’ll feel embarrassed and struggle with the rest of the conversation. It’s quite hard to un-learn that feeling of silence being uncomfortable, but it would definitely give time to help me think.
I used to do that exact thing. Feel pressured to speak, then rather not have done it at all when I do.
Awkward silences are only awkward because we feel like they are supposed to be. Silence typically means a conversation is over, but when it feels like it should have continued, the silence feels “wrong”. The solution is to remember that silence doesn’t have to mean that the conversation is over. Pauses feel out of place because practised talkers don’t need them.
Don’t get too comfy with it though, I’ve become so immune to awkward silences, that I sometimes completely fail to notice when someone is uncomfortable while I’m just chillin and thinking about what to say next. When you stop speaking, people’s imaginations take over for what you’re thinking, and especially for anxious people those 30 seconds of silence wondering what you’re thinking can be hell. I used to be that anxious person.
Hence I started announcing why I’m being quiet. It lets their thought-spiral of worry calm because you’re essentially saying “don’t worry, I wasn’t offended or turned off by what you said, I will tell you what I’m thinking, I just need a moment”.
It’s also useful with people who aren’t anxious, because they won’t then try to take over and fill the pause you need to think. People will try to “help” by filling silences with idle talk, but sometimes they can talk over someone’s silence, the same way one can talk over someone’s speech.
Thanks for the insight - I hadn’t considered that announcing the silence in that way could be useful, but I see what you mean.
A lot of conversation is about listening, not speaking. However, if you engage in active listening, you might find the speaker will look at you more, allowing you to add in your two cents.
What do you mean by active listening exactly?
Listen to what someone is saying and really think about it, let them finish their thought without preparing what you’ll say. Then actively ask a follow up question, a who, what, why, where, or how question about what they just said. Don’t add your own related detail.
I’ve always interpreted it to mean somewhat the opposite of what you describe. To me: passive listening would be sitting quietly until a person is done speaking and then taking your turn. Actively listening would involve the occasional, and obviously respectful interruption with clarifying questions or anecdote to indicate that you are going along with them on the journey, rather than reading about it, so to speak.
Non-verbally and rarely verbally reacting to what is being said at the rhythm of the conversation.
You hear about and see this a lot. You can even see it on people’s faces sometimes when you talk to them. They are already thinking about what they want to say rather than actually listening to what is said. So they are listening to respond rather than listening to truly engage in the conversation. I think many of us can be guilty of it at times. So I try to catch myself when I’m doing it. Remind myself how it feels to be on the other end of it when someone else does it.
Bit of a left field suggestion but one thing that really helps is finding your people.
In my younger years I sometimes really struggled with casual conversation, I often felt like I was the weird guy who had nothing to say.
It turned out that was only really true when I was spending a lot of time with people with whom I had very little in common. As I got older I eventually found “my people”. Friends who I click with, who I share values and interests with, who communicate similarly to me.
It’s not about finding people who are just copies of you, that would be pretty boring and make for a real social echo chamber. You want a range of friends with different interests, from different walks of life. But you want them to be, for lack of a better term “compatible” with you.
If you happen to be neurodivergent then that adds a whooooole extra layer of complexity to conversational compatibility. There’s a stereotype that autistic people are awkward or socially inept, which is complete rubbish. They just communicate differently to neurotypicals. Put a bunch of similar autistic people in a room together and watch them have no trouble at all making conversation with each other, in their own style.
Anyway, maybe this isn’t relevant to you, and you’re already happy with the people in your life. But it’s worth taking the time to examine whether the reason you struggle to make conversation is because you’re trying to make it with the wrong people.
I always had similar troubles as OP, and at the ripe age of 38 or so, I realized I have ADHD. But not the “loud can’t sit still” version, I’m the “bored and sleepy” version, which nobody ever notices.
I have a much easier time talking to other people with similar symptoms. No offense, but to me, normal people just seem to say a lot of words without actually saying anything at all.
Lol yep I’m 34 and also just recently diagnosed with inattentive ADHD. Hence being very aware of different communication styles.
As I got older I eventually found “my people”. Friends who I click with, who I share values and interests with, who communicate similarly to me.
As someone who struggles like OP, how did you find “your people?”
It can be hard. Honestly I got pretty lucky in that I was able to find lots of good people through work. There are good and bad parts to the industry I work in, I got hired by a company with a really strong culture that matched what I was looking for. So I was surrounded by a ton of people with similar values and overlapping interests.
Without that, I think mostly it’s about trial and error. If you’re struggling to find the right people, you need to be brave enough to keep putting yourself out there, and to walk away from groups that just aren’t a good match. Like I said, not easy!
Thank you for the thoughtful and kind reply :)
There is the statement followed by question form of conversation.
Person A “I just got back from Hawaii last week.”
You “I always wanted to visit Hawaii and never got the chance. What did you do?”
Person A “I went to the Pearl Harbor Museum and Memorial.”
You “I love museums. One of my favorite museums is…”
The goal is to ask questions with statements in order to find something that you both enjoy. The purpose of the statements to let the other person get to know you and ask questions about you. Once that happens, you can move to statements and rely less on questions.
Conversations are a two way street.
You have to encourage the other person to do most of the talking.
Try to respond to what the other person is saying, repeat their point back to them. That should give you a little time to think about what you want to add to the conversation, and will also keep the person engaged because they know you understood them. Example:
A: I don’t know what to talk about…
B: Yeah, A. Sometimes I don’t know what to talk about either. How was your weekend?
Example 2:
A: Did you hear about [current event X]? Seems like [person Y] is up to something big!
B: Yes, I heard about [X event] the other day. or No, I haven’t heard about the [X event]. (Here you can add your initial impressions, thoughts, ideas or questions on this topic, or just “seems interesting” if you want them to tell more about it.
Example 3:
A: I think that [some opinion or thought about something, which you may or may not agree with].
B: I know what you mean when you say… [repeat a one sentence summary of their thought or opinion]. (Now you can go with your review of that thought or opinion and what your thoughts are on it.)
This can help let the conversation go smoothly. The important thing is that you let the person you speak with feel heard, then you’ll be provided some space and time to add your own thoughts.
Know a little bit about a lot of things.
Conversation is about flow. Ask aquestion, get an answer, respond to that, they respond to you. If you know a little bit about a lot of things, and you always have some way to respond to what they’ve said.
But also learn to take the hint. If they’re giving you one word answers, they may not want to be in the conversation.
What sort of things would you try to gain knowledge in?
I work in IT, so most of the people I meet are in IT. So I know a little bit about a lot of IT topics. I also learned a little bit about every state, because IT people tend to move around a lot, so I always come across people from other states.
Try to stay up on pop culture a bit. Popular TV shows or music for your age group. For example, I know more about Taylor Swift than I should (though that’s because my wife won’t stop talking about it).
I’m told that sports and cars are very popular topics, but I never tried with those. I have zero interest.
There’s also a casual conversation channel here on Lemmy. Join those discussions and practice.
Have you tried Toastmasters? Yes there is a large part about public speaking but meetings also have dedicated improvisations. You could even work on areas of public speaking you didn’t even know you might want to improve.
I hadn’t heard of that before - looks like they have some clubs in the UK so I’ll investigate. Thanks!
Tell me about yourself and let’s see what we can do
Really? That’s interesting what does that involve?
Basically get someone to talk about themselves
Conversations are more about listening than talking. I suggest reading “How to Win Friends and Influence People” for a more in depth overview. Essentially, become genuinely interested in the person you are talking to.
Try to understand them. Try to figure out what is important to them and ask questions with these interests in mind. By being interested and asking questions that the other person wants to answer, they will do a majority of the talking and will feel like you are a great conversationalist.
Of course, sometimes this is easier said than done… and it must be done genuinely. You must be genuinely interested. There are subconscious cues you communicate when you are interested in someone, and everybody loves being the focus of someone else’s deep and genuine attention.
Once you’ve done this and built up rapport, then you can give personal anecdotes or get to your sales pitch or what have you.
Some other general tips are - speak slowly! Don’t go overboard obviously but slower is more confident and puts people at ease. Say the other person’s name when appropriate. Everybody loves the sound of their own name. Compliment people on things you genuinely appreciate. Nobody likes flattery but everyone likes being appreciated.
I think I’m quite good at asking questions, but when it comes back the other way my mind often goes blank. It could be that I don’t perform well under pressure, so maybe I need more practice with that. Speaking slowly is a good suggestion - I find myself speaking way too fast when I want to get a point out.
Sometimes I can turn that around and say something like “I’m not sure, what about you?”. I think often people just ask us about a topic because they want to say something about it.
A trick that I don’t apply myself as often as I should: ask open ended questions, such as, “Do you think the rocks are quiet because they dont want the trees to listen?” Or maybe you can try a spicy one, “If you were president of the United states how would you solve the Israel-Palestine conflict” and then they’ll be forced to think and give a long answer and leads to a discussion and possibly a bonus fistfight.
Try to refrain from asking questions with simple answers like “where are you from?” because then they’ll answer “Washington”, followed by an awkward silence while you try to figure out what to ask next.
I would probably try to find an exit to the conversation if you hit me with either of the rock/tree or Israel/Palestine conversation if I’m being honest.
i also suck at this. i noticed if i interject with a question in a given conversation… it provides an ‘on ramp’ for participation.
Ultimately…. Practice.
Small talk (or more talk,) is a skill, some people have some natural aptitude, but it usually needs development.
You can start with small talk- especially with strangers or acquaintances. Quips about the weather, or if they ask that ever so annoying “how are you”- with no real desire for an actual answer (like 99% of the time,) something like “oh, one day better than Monday.” Usually gets people to pause, maybe smile. Maybe even a chuckle.
As you get more familiar, ramp it up. Ask about their favorite book, or maybe ask about something they mentioned last time. Maybe if you know what the do, ask something relevant to current events they might have insight on. (They might not shut up,)
The hard part is getting started, though, it’s best to practice in social spaces- maybe library events or social clubs surrounding activities.
Keep in mind, it’s okay to not fill the silence. It might feel awkward, but if there’s nothing to say, leave it at some ironic comment about the weather.
mostly, don’t be nearly so self conscious- all the stupid things we kick ourselves over… most people never really notice. Just sit back and ask questions, let them steer the conversation. It’s okay to ask stupid questions, as long as it’s actually sincere.
Lots of great advice in here! To add my 2 cents, I’d check out The Art of Captivating Conversation by Patrick King. That was recommended to me from some colleagues, and it’s not a super long read. Good luck OP!
