I’m around 9 months of feminizing HRT, and maintain the opinion that it is one of the best decisions I’ve made. I know that a lot of long term changes won’t kick in until the 2-3 year mark at least, and it can take 5 or more years before strength is comparable to a cis woman.
Yesterday I took some milestone pictures, and it was the first time I’ve seen my back since before starting hormones. Holy dysphoria Batman. Genuinely the most acute dysphoria I’ve experienced. I have had a day to cry, nap, and evaluate, and am back to trusting the process, but damn I want these lats to go away.
I powerlifted in my past life as a way to try and run away from the woman I wanted to become, but haven’t done any upper body strength training in over 3 years. I’d have great genes if I wasn’t trans ;-;
So look, your back does not look dissimilar to my CIS wife’s back, and while she is not a powerlifter we do both actively strength train 3 days a week. Your dysphoria is totally valid, but all I saw when you shared was a woman’s muscled back. They’ll probably go as you keep going on HRT, but it’s worth keeping in mind the lens you’re seeing your back in doesn’t necessarily reflect how you come across.
I needed to hear this, thank you <3
I used to play roller derby with a cis woman who was also a powerlifter. She could have picked you up and snapped you in half, and she looked like it.
It’s also worth remembering that our own perception of our bodies isn’t automatically the “real” or “right” version. We see ourselves with bias, and the pain of years of suppressed dysphoria and transphobia shapes the way we see ourselves, and it often stops us from seeing ourselves as we truly are.
In my case, I had facial feminisation surgery, and after it was done, I used to cry myself to sleep because it didn’t do anything. Yet, random strangers were now gendering me correctly 100% of the time. And when I did before/after photo comparisons, the differences were clear. Eventually, it became impossible to deny that the issue was with my self perception, and I simply wasn’t able to see myself the way other people saw me. But even that realisation, still didn’t change the face I saw in the mirror. I still felt like nothing had changed, even though I absolutely knew it had. My FFS was 6 years ago now, and even though I no longer give a shit about how cis people perceive me, and even though the dysphoria is basically gone, I realise I still can’t myself through neutral eyes.
I’d have great genes if I wasn’t trans ;-;
Hah, I know that feeling! I had higher T levels than most cis men, broad shoulders and a barrel chest with large lung capacity. It made me a great mid and long distance runner!
I don’t know if it will help you, but something I like to do is save pictures of cis Women with similar features as me to help remind me that their is not one way to look as or be a Woman. In your case I would recommend looking at Women body builders. Your shape looks almost exactly like theirs to me, and I don’t see a Mans back when I look at you. Actually, funny enough, we have a really similar shape and I thought I made an alt account for a second… lol
But I know dysphoria is a bitch and a half, and you may not see it, but I hope you start to see beyond it soon. Just know there are people out their who see who you are even when you don’t!
Wishing you the best on your journey and never forget that Women come in all shapes and sizes. :)
Good idea, and thanks for the kind words <3
