when i was a child, i had a tendency to extremely hyper fixate on various topics for months, so now that i’m older it just feels like i’ve experienced everything even though I technically haven’t. the fixations are becoming much more quick in terms of cycles / how long they (don’t) last and i spend most of my time feeling bored and empty, just rotting away and feeling entertained by nothing. lately this has caused me to get really stuck in the past, so i spend a lot of time just laying in bed crate digging my own memories and feeling kind of depressed because i have nothing new to be excited by or interested in. it does not help that i don’t really have any long term goals or ambitions either, i just kind of exist.
does anyone else feel like this?
It sounds like you’ve developed depression and it’s making your ADHD symptoms worse.
See a therapist if you can afford it, or at least a regular doctor and get some antidepressants
Also notable that depression can be a symptom of adhd.
It’s the repeating steps of ADHD
- Not have the capacity to manage.
- Get depressed.
- Have worse capacity to manage.
- Go back to step one.
I understand completely. I’m over 40, and my normal day is: go to work, come home, smoke weed and hang out with my wife. She needs the TV running at all times, and it’s near impossible for me to look away from it when it’s on.
Sometimes I think about all the things we could be doing and I feel disappointed in myself, but aside from chores that get put off a little longer than they should, there’s not really anything else I want to be doing. I’m depressingly content in my mediocrity. (Does that count as a paradox?)
As someone else said, they feel guilty diving into an obsession, and I agree completely. I think I’d love to jump into Balder’s Gate, but my wife has no interest in watching me do that, so I’d feel guilty about not spending that time with her. And yes, I realize that we are allowed to have our own interests, but a game like that could absorb me for a whole night and it would only feel like a moment to me.
I don’t want to sound like an ass but its quite likely that much of your experience is caused by weed, especially being content with mediocrity and mild depression. I’m speaking from current experience of how much my perception of things is changing on a t-break.
No it’s cool. Very fair point.
For real, dude. I was out of the country for about 3 weeks recently and holy fuck you start to really notice the difference about halfway through week 2.
Since getting back, I’ve cut back a good bit, and I’m planning on letting my supply run out and not refilling it for a while, because if it’s in the house I’ll use it in an idle moment after work without even thinking sometimes.
Also, the paradigm shift hits a LOT of things. I’m glad I did it. It’s helped me notice and actually acknowledge several pretty important things in my life - some good, some bad, some both.
Could you say more about this? I am smoking way too much weed but have been struggling to change my habits, especially since I’m unemployed atm
Frankly, just stop buying, and let your stash run out. That’s a big part of how I cut back on drink, too, and why I’m doing that with my own stash now. It can be particularly difficult for people with adhd to find balance in moderation, in my experience. Simply not having it around, and only partaking when you’re out with friends or whatever has been a very useful tactic for me personally.
At any rate, I know everyone’s different and has their own circumstances that affect the dynamic, but I wish you luck on your journey to find more balance. It’s way harder than most people understand it to be.
Gainful employment: check Life partner: check Luxury of free time for tv: check Legal (ish) herb access: check
My friend, that all sounds lovely to me. Don’t fall trap to societal (and especially capitalistic) definitions of achievement and mediocrity that demand a constant stream of more more more. It’s ok to be content and enjoy the simple pleasures in life.
That being said, if you’re unhappy, get after it. You mention wanting to play Baldurs Gate but feeling guilty about lack of partner time and fear of getting sucked into it for hours: what if you both dedicate a personal hobby night once a week where you can both do whatever and get lost in your own worlds separately without guilt? My partner and I recently started doing this on Fridays and it’s been a game changer.
This really resonates with me. It certainly feels like it gets harder to manage every year, but I don’t know that that’s actually the case. I think the reality is just that I’ve become much more aware of my deficiencies over time.
As a child I wouldn’t bat an eye at playing video games for 10 hours straight without eating or drinking anything, but as an adult I’m aware that I could be doing so much more productive things with my time. Now, if I ever feel the familiar urge of a new fixation setting in I also feel melancholic because I have to actively temper myself to the point I feel guilty if I indulge it.
Interesting point of view. Honestly I guess I am kinda broken in that regard, I miss the constant fixations a lot, I feel so bored and helpless when I have nothin’ to focus on. it does sound to me like your hope is ultimately to control that, in which case I wish you the absolute best.
Honestly I guess I am kinda broken in that regard, I miss the constant fixations a lot, I feel so bored and helpless when I have nothin’ to focus on.
I wouldn’t say you’re broken, because if you are then I have to admit I’m broken in the same way 😁
Whether we like it or not, this disease is a part of us both and learning to manage and live with it is an integral part of our lives. You’ll find what works for you one of these days, but the important thing is to not give up and keep trying. To me though, what you describe in your post sounds a little more like depression (Something I also have a great deal of personal experience with).
Career-wise, yes, in my experience.
When you start out in junior positions, you don’t tend to have a lot of autonomy in your work life. Other people are setting priorities, deadlines etc, and you’re just along for the ride.
As your career advances, you tend to take on more leadership duties. You’re more responsible for managing your own work, and then eventually other peoples’ as well. This is where executive functioning deficits tend to start to really hit home.
It’s not for nothing that a lot of people get diagnosed in middle age.
FUCK this is me so bad right now. Just lost a nice position for this exact reason and now I’m back on the job hunt scramble. It’s tough
This is the first time I’ve seen someone else describe exactly how I have been feeling every single day for the last few years. Like, to a T.
Sorry to hear. Best wishes, friend.
Same to you, bro. 🫂
Yes. But part of that for me is greater expectations on adults and lots of stress. Burnout will suck all the enjoyment out of everything. Depression will, too. Medication may help. Might be worth looking into.
You like board games? My wife and I are usually on Boardgamearena.com playing games with each other.
It probably won’t add much purpose to your life, but might keep you occupied. My username is the same there if you could use a game buddy!
I don’t think it gets harder with time - but, as an executive dysfunction, I think having more decisions to make is more difficult. When you were a kid you’d have parents directing a lot of your life but now you need to make all those decisions yourself. Additionally, I’m sure that stress doesn’t help… having additional stress as an adult will just make everything harder.
I very much go through this. It can be hard looking at all the niche things around my house which I spent so much energy pursuing - specialized photography rigs, magic cards, jewelry making tools+storage, exercise gear, crazy keyboard setups for multiboxing, etc. With all of those came the community aspect. I feel so guilty just disappearing after gaining so much attention and recognition in various areas. I can confidently say I’m paralyzed with some type of fear to get into new things- I know they’ll consume me, but then one day I’ll wake up and just see it as a source of stress and drop it. If I had infinite money and loved socializing, I’d not be too stuck, but I just can’t afford to keep cycling through interests right now. The things which tend to interest me always demand a financial sink.
Yes. If there was no time, ADHD cannot bother you.
I wonder how much of this is influenced by society’s trends toward information consumerism. Things like short-form content and constant context-switching in media etc.
Not to say this is the whole picture, but for people predisposed to latch on to that sort of stuff I feel like there’s an exacerbation factor there.
It’s still a journey, but in my case, these are the things that have helped:
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Volunteering - by far the thing that has helped the most. I volunteer as a teaching assistant helping refugees learn English, and it not only gets me out of the house, but I’ve met a lot of great people, and I feel like I’m really making a positive impact in the world. It’s also really easy, as far as volunteering goes - as a native speaker, I know English pretty well after all.
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Medication seems to be helping in my case, though this one is the most “your mileage may vary”. I haven’t been taking it long, but it’s made a huge difference in my energy level and my bouts of executive dysfunction.
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This one is going to sound weird, but (atheistic) spiritualism - in particular, Tarot. I’ve always been against spiritualism because it isn’t “science”, but lately I’ve been coming around to the idea that the way we think and feel about the world has just as much effect on our lives as anything else. I liked Tarot in particular because all it really is is a form of self-guided meditation. I don’t believe in any “supernatural” stuff personally, but the ritual of shuffling and laying out the cards is very calming, and the randomness of the cards forces you to see your issues from a perspective you may not have considered before. Of course, any form of meditation would likely do the exact same thing.
I should also mention that I’m generally in a very privileged situation (especially now - I wasn’t always quite so lucky), so I can’t deny that plays a large factor as well.
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I feel that. Maybe get into a local or remote community with people about something, and share your stuff?
Nature and Linux communities are always pretty edgy and cool.
It is a constant struggle. I’m stuck spending money on hobbies I used to love trying to find the same enjoyment again but not finding it.
You described my life
If you’re working at it, then it should become more automatic - it should take less conscious effort to keep from doing things that are problematic.
It’s a practice thing, just like learning other stuff. ADHD responds very well to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - where you essentially re-write the scripts we all operate by. But it takes time and practice - the repitition of substituting a new internal dialog for any given thought process/script.
To that end, 2 books may be helpful:
Adults and ADHD - this is good for seeing how it functions in adults VS kids.
Your Erroneous Zones by Wayne Dyer. Early “self help” book, but he’s actually teaching Cognitive Behavioural Therapy without calling it that. Just showing how we use our internal dialog without thinking about it.
Thanks so much for recommending both books. I will be sure to give both a read soon.
Just make sure “soon” isn’t the Adhd procrastination of doing it “one day”, as these books can help you
Great! Hope they help!
I’ll have a look at these ones, and I’ll add my own on top: How to ADHD by Jessica McCabe, I found that one to be something worthwhile.
