I am a Millennial woman. For most of my life, my closest friends have been men. I believe this is because many of my hobbies are considered traditionally male (such as contact sports or history). I also studied in STEM and have prioritized my career over finding a partner whereas most of the women in my area tend to stay in the city for most of their life (go to school, work, marry, have kids, etc.). So, I fully acknowledge that a large part of my problem is my own fault.
I’ve found that even if I reach out to female friends, they don’t respond back or reach out to me so whatever relationship there is fizzles out.
Is there something I am doing wrong? Are there topics which women commonly discuss which I could learn about so I can contribute more to conversations?
Personally my hypothesis is that the women I meet are close with the friends in their area so they don’t need to maintain friendships with women they aren’t close with (literally or figuratively) whereas my male friends have largely moved for work and perhaps since we’re all lonely, we make more of an effort to stay in touch even though we’re in different parts of the world. The solution I can think of is to stop moving around so often and stay in one place.
I really do crave friendships with women and would love someone to do Pilates with, discuss fashion or go shopping, go for brunch with, or any other activity which I do with my male friends (sports, museums, etc.). I just can’t seem to get a message back.
Thanks in advance for any tips/advice.
I’m replying to this because I could’ve written it and I’m going to check back later. Also I guess we can make a Discord for our types?
I’ve found specifically looking for women’s [hobby] groups helps. I made close friends looking for other lesbians who play d&d for example. A women’s woodworking group is going to have the combination of women who are into woodworking and specifically want to spend time with other women. Women’s [career] groups could also help.
As a man that preferred art and books to sports and locketroom talk, finding male friends was difficult, so most of my close friends were women. I say don’t worry about trying to make same gender friends, unless you actually want to
I say don’t worry about trying to make same gender friends, unless you actually want to
I’d agree with this but it’s hard to explain to a potential romantic partner why you seemingly have no friends of the same gender. It can be a red flag.
A red flag for what though?
one’s character. If you don’t have friends of a given gender, it implies you somehow can’t get along with them and that’s not typical.
I would have thought in ’ non-binary gender rights time’ this would no longer matter
I’d agree with this but it’s hard to explain to a potential romantic partner why you seemingly have no friends of the same gender.
why are people so judgemental about this? especially at this age and in these times. like oh no, a 30-something who doesn’t have a bustling social life, how unusual and certainly worthy of scorn and not compassion or understanding. do people actually view their potential partners like this?
I think it’s more of an age thing than being a woman. The 30s is the age when many people focus on building a family or career. There are simply fewer who have time or interest in socialising and is also difficult to maintain friendship with those who are single, childless or jobless, because interests and priorities aren’t the same anymore.
I’m sorry I don’t have any advice, I just wanted to say that this is perfectly normal and it probably isn’t you doing anything wrong.
I think it’s more of an age thing than being a woman. The 30s is the age when many people focus on building a family or career. There are simply fewer who have time or interest in socialising and is also difficult to maintain friendship with those who are single, childless or jobless, because interests and priorities aren’t the same anymore.
I’m sorry I don’t have any advice, I just wanted to say that this is perfectly normal and it probably isn’t you doing anything wrong.
I wonder why this seems to just be the case for women I meet. The men I’ve been friends with (since secondary school for example) still find time to message. Sure, it’s not long video calls like when we were younger (which is to be expected), but surely someone has a few minutes in a week to ask how the other is doing. Neither the women nor the men I’m referring to have children.
I can’t really keep friendships with other men because most of the things they like I find boring as hell. So I always tried to be friends with women.
You could find a hobby that leans more female. Depending on your age if you are at the time where most people have kids under the age of 15 then you might struggle. People with kids connect more easily to other people with kids. People without kids or whos kids are now largely independent will have more time for things like hobbies and friendships. If you are in an area with a large population there are sites meant to help people in your exact position, like dating, but for matchups with groups and other women who are also looking for friends.
I have a fair few women friends now but their ages arent necessarily close to mine. The older you get the less weird that feels, once the kids part is done life experiences seem to level out.
Also online friends are an option. If you find someone with similar interests and sense of humour then you just talk about whatever you are interested in and whatever’s going on. Theres no gender specific topic, the ladies at the car club meetup talk about cars, the ones playing golf talk about golf. If you start with a common interest and talk to them enough you might find you actually share a lot of interests and from there you can bring up going to a local event or concert or whatever it is you are interested in.
Your position isnt that rare, so maybe youll get lucky and find someone in a similar boat who clicks with you and from there it will be easier. Just might need to try something new and go where the other women are to find them.
You could find a hobby that leans more female.
Is it acceptable to make friends at a gym/yoga/pilates studio? I always thought people prefer to work out then go home but for me this seems like an ideal option.
It depends on the group. There was a casual yoga thing in my hometown where after they would all go for a coffee. Some people arent into that and do just want to do it and go home, but others like getting out and socialising after. Unfortunately theres no hard and fast rules. Women are just people, people vary a whole lot in likes, dislikes, and what topics they like to talk about. Ive seen heaps of comments from people of all kinds all over the internet and making friends in general gets much harder after university. And harder again once kids, jobs and relationships get in the mix.
But you could just try a casual hello, before yoga/pilates. If they are receptive give chatting a go and once class starts go do your own thing. Little hellos and casual small talk can build familiarity where you can see if they might be up for being friends.