I’m 20F, he’s 25M. We met in January and have been dating since last month. He’s already met my parents - they love him, and he hangs out at our house all the time. Literally no one has any issues with him, he’s super welcome here. I invited him to sleep over for a few days this week just for fun, but he said he’s not comfortable with it - apparently it feels too “intimate” for him? Like, he’s got this thing about doing private stuff with other people around. I just want him to relax a bit. We’re all adults here, and everyone knows people have private lives. How can I help him feel more okay with it?
i would rather sleep in a ditch than at my partner’s parents house
Just as a point of perspective, I’m 51 and my wife is 46. We are entirely independent and on great terms with all our parents. I still don’t relish the idea of staying overnight at her parents house with them.
Maybe he feels like your parents will see the obvious and not necessarily insignificant age gap. When I was 25, I would never date a 20 year old. Five years is a lot still at that age. I’m 35 now, and last year I dated a 32 year old guy and I still noticed it.
Think of it this way: no matter the chemistry between you two, you aren’t even allowed to legally drink yet because society deems you not fully developed. This is further supported by the fact that you still live with your parents.
I’m not saying this is what he’s thinking of, or even intuiting. It’s just one possiblity. It could just as likely be him wanting to be proper or traditional or respectful to your parents.
Like any relationship, just ask him 🤷♀️
When I was 21, I dated a 19 year old and the age gap felt huge. When I was 20 I dated an 18 year old (I thought she was my age, her friends misled me) and the age gap was even bigger, I was pissed at her friends. A few other times, same story, also when they were 2 years older or even 1 year younger. I don’t get these people…
I bet if your parents seduced him he’d probably be more open to having sex in their house.
It feels weird sleeping at the in-laws house as a married person lmao
I would give him time, if I were you. After a month of dating, that’s still pretty early in a relationship. Sleeping on someone else’s house can be scary, so early on.
After all, you wouldn’t want to be forced into something you’re not ready for either.
I totally get your side too, it may seem weird but it’s his boundary to set. He has said no, and no still means no.
The best thing you can do is to keep the invitation open and talk about it with him. Find out what he thinks or fears is going to happen.
Maybe he had a bedtime ritual that he’s not yet willing to share yet.
Nobody wants to fuck in the next room over from mom and dad.
If you want him to feel comfortable then don’t make him be around your family just to see you.
I was a year older than my gf (decades ago) and she lived with her folks. It’s weird staying over with someone’s parents. Just accept it. It’s even weirder at 25, I’m sure.
move out of your parents place.
This is nostupidquestions, so I would expect somewhat serious answers. This does not seem like a serious answer.
It’s nostupidquestions not nostupidanswers.
True, but the idiom is that there is no such thing as a stupid question. You know, to make people feel comfortable about asking questions. Theres also a saying that a fool is better off remaining silent and thought as such, rather than to open his mouth and remove all doubt.
Other than that, there is no idiom, quote, parable, prophecy, or ingrained saying about there not being a stupid answer.
Take sex off the table for the first few times of him staying over. he might be more comfortable if he knows theres no expectation of boinking.
Then when he’s more relaxed with the idea of staying over down the road you can reintroduce the idea. don’t pressure tho
Put sex on the floor. Less squeaky
You probably can’t. This is a boundary for him and a better approach to this might be to get a better understanding of where he’s coming from (if needed) and respect that boundary.
Nobody wants to get frisky with the parents in the next room. Grow up.
who said they had to get frisky?
Are you seriously asking that about a 20/24 yo couple getting into bed for the entire night? Were you ever that age?
If sex was off the table, I wouldn’t even go through with it. What’s the point? I’d just rather sleep alone, and avoid the entire night of blue balls.
I did that as a 20 yr old. It’s not so crazy to put off sex one night at that age, especially with liberal parents. I think that if my parents had been strict, I may have taken every opportunity I could!
Yikes! People must be falling over to sleep with a charmer like you.
How you doin’?
It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to sleep over at your parents’ house after only a month of dating. To be honest, it’s reasonable to not ever want to do that. It’s weird sleeping in someone else’s house period.
But especially after just a month of dating, your parents may as well be strangers to him. He likely doesn’t have any sense for any cultural differences between how he was raised and your family, like what behaviors are considered faux pas to your parents, etc.
To be honest I think you’re really getting ahead of yourself. Take your time with the relationship and build trust and the foundations of a great relationship. It always takes time and patience. You guys are still just starting to learn about each other.
I totally agree with this analysis. There are also so many factors that we don’t know about. The age difference alone could be awkward, he is drinking age, she is not. He might go for a night cap before bed, and be double so inclined being in a strange environment. But she might not be able to legally drink, yet he can, and maybe her parents are teetotalers… who knows?
Or maybe he usually sleeps with a CPAP, and didn’t want to bring it up early in the relationship.
Or it could not even be about night at all. Maybe he responds poorly to mornings. Or often has a flare up of IBS or something in mornings.
There could be all sorts of issues people may have… And I am mostly highlighting outliers not more common things like social anxiety.
You should really move out or stay at his place when you want to fuck. He doesn’t need to regress into your childhood.
This is going to be more common as people won’t be able to afford to move out.
Sure is.
Doesn’t change the issue.
Agree on this. But if the boyfriend already feels uncomfortable staying at her parents house for just a meal, sleeping and having a shit, then something more is going on with him.
People who downvote and don’t comment why they disagree are cowards in my book, btw.
I didn’t downvote but I think the “something more is going on with him” has a nefarious tone and seems unwarranted for something as innocuous as not wanting to share a bed with a new partner inside her parents’ home.
True I worded it weirdly.
Bad take
It’s normal to not want to hang out with your partners parents.
They’re not dating mommy and daddy, mommy and daddy shouldn’t be a part of your romantic relationships.
“It’s normal to not want to hang out with your partners parents.”
Yeah, for 20 year olds maybe- ah, now I remember what post I commented this other. OK that’s fair. If you’re like 40 years old and still say “I don’t want to spend any time with my in-laws at all” I personally would consider that weird though.
I don’t want to spend any time with my in-laws and I’m over 40.
No one said anything about sex?
I guess the “private stuff” they’d be doing with her parents home isn’t sex then.
Damn, my brain simply skipped over that my bad
Tax filing
It was heavily implied at the end that that’s part of the issue
I hate being at my inlaws’ for an extended period of time (hours). My spouse hates being at my parents’ in the same time period. You can both have totally normal, comfortable nights at your own parents’ place but find the experience entirely foreign and unsettling at the others’. The type of soap, the number of towels, the default amount of noise, the temperature, the forced formal interactions, the TV shows, the time of dinner, the existence of any activity other than your usual quiet night in, everything. Not wanting to be a disturbance in someone else’s place. Being under a foreign set of rules. Just everything.
Do you feel normal sleeping over an aunt/uncle’s place? A friend’s parents’ place? A hotel? A hostel?
I lived WITH my inlaws for a year. Still can’t stand it. Grateful for the financial relief at the time, but still uncomfortable enough to keep me driven to in debt myself with my own place ASAP.
