What did your father do for you/not do for you that you needed?
Context: I have recently become a father to a daughter, with a mother whose father was not around when she was growing up. I won’t bore you all with the details but our daughter is here now and I am realising that I’m the only one in our little family who has really had a father before. But I have never been a girl. And I know that as a boy, my relationships with my mother and father were massively influential and powerful but at the same time radically different to each other. People say that daughters and fathers have a unique relationship too.
Question: What was your father to you? What matters the most when it comes to a father making his daughter loved, safe, confident and free? To live a good life as an adult?
I’d like this to be a mature, personal and real discussion about daughters and fathers, rather than a political thing, so I humbly ask to please speak from your heart rather than your head on this one :)
Thank you
P.S Apologies if this question is badly written or conceived; I haven’t been getting enough sleep! It is what it is! P.P.S I’m gonna post this to a general Ask community but I thought it should come her first :)
neither my biological father nor stepdad taught me that it’s ok to be wrong, make mistakes, be human, etc. as long as you apologize and learn from mistakes
to be fair my mom made a lot of progress with me on that but she had to do, well, more than her fair share
I would say the thing I realize now that would have helped me the most was having backup of my own bodily autonomy.
Lessons of bodily autonomy can start immediately - if your young child doesn’t want to give a family member hugs/kisses/physical affection then they shouldn’t have to. Be her support in that. The trust you build with this is invaluable if someone were to cross a much larger boundary later on (such as any instance of abuse) she is much more likely to tell you or her mother that it happened because she trusts you to back her up.
Additionally you should always acknowledge her thoughts and input. Obviously kids say crazy shit that sometimes have little bearing on reality, but it is so helpful as a teenager/young adult to know that there is someone who will listen and help you process things. Just work through problems with her, and if she has a suggestion on how to solve it - even if you know it won’t work - give it a shot to SHOW her it won’t work and talk through why it happened if you can.
This is of course assuming you aren’t going to accidentally create a bomb, or otherwise cause irreversible damage to someone/thing.
I read some girl books, basically talked to every woman i loved/respected and asked for a “life influence” book. Jayne eyre, are you there god it is me margret, the ladies room.
Now that i have my daughter i just love her and give her what I can.
I do not lie to my kids. Even when that is hard. I am brutally honest about the world around us as she asks the questions.
Good luck, there is nothing harder or more rewading than kids.
Thanks, I really appreciate what you said. I feel like fiction/stories are gonna help me/us a lot
Late to the party here but I have 3 daughters all under 10 (and I’m the dad)
A few note worthy things :
Books My body is mine (read with them. Teaches them bodily autonomy) Brave, Not Perfect (read myself) And if you want to be frustrated with the world, read invisible women.
Activities. Ooo boy this one can be frustrating. Boys are lauded for their rambunctious behaviours and girls are told how pretty they are.
I include my daughters in EVERYTHING. Fixing the lawnmower? Who wants to come help?! Going to home depot? You bet I have anywhere from 1-3 little girls in tow with me (we’ve done this since birth and it gives mom a little break). I’m a music teacher by profession so none of these typically “manly” tasks are natural to me or part of my day to day. When I include my girls in home and vehicle maintenance, we get to learn together.
One of the things I’ve learned most is to just show them how they should be treated. How you treat their mother shows them how they should be treated by a partner from a very early age.
I take my daughters on dates, 1 on 1. I still date their mother, why shouldn’t I include them for 1 on 1 time to strengthen our relationship. Granted, for the Mrs. it’s restaurants or tickets to something. For my girls, it’s Costco and ice cream (which they friggin love).
The proof is in the pudding. When my one daughter was 7 she started talking to me about boys with explicit instructions not to tell mom (mom asks too many questions). She felt comfortable sharing it with ME. There are not enough drugs in the world to replicate that “high”.
Asking the question here is a great start. Keep trying to be the best man you can be (whatever that means to you) for your partner and daughter and they’ll always be better off for it.
When in doubt, read, read, read. Ask questions and listen more than you talk. And for the love of god, don’t be weird about periods and feminine products.
