The more I think about it, the more I figure…if you had one at your house, you could become the fucking Rodney Mullen of that thing. Like, forget just being able to stand up and walk around. A few hundred hours of practice, and you could jump rope, juggle, have a whole tea party without spilling anything, sleep in it to see if it gives you superpowers and/or immortality. The possibilities are endless.
No, that was the Matterhorn. Who designs a tight circular track and then not only spin people forwards, but stop mid way through and spin them backwards? I think that was the 3rd hardest I’ve ever puked in my life.
OK, well the 2nd hardest I puked was at a cottage with some buddies not long after college. I didn’t have much experience drinking, and I thought it would be a great idea to drink a magnum of red wine on the first night. I was doing good for most of the night, even ate dinner and was having a great time. And then…I didn’t feel so good. And then I really didn’t feel so good. I ran to the railing with a bright red spray, as my buddies laughed their asses off because they thought I sounded like Donald Duck when he’s angry. I thought that was funny and started laughing while puking, which just made me sound more like Donald Duck when he’s angry. They called me Donald for the rest of that week. I’ve had a love/hate relationship with red wine ever since.
The hardest I’ve ever puked though was during my year of hell, when I was going through my Crohn’s diagnosis. I had hit a pretty major flare and my bowels were practically swollen shut. My doctor wanted to do a scope, which meant I had to be cleaned out first. And for that, they give you powerful laxatives. They told me to drink Gatorade with the water to help hydrate me since it blasted all the water through your bowels. What they didn’t tell me was to avoid red Gatorade. So I’ve downed the laxatives mixed into a bottle of water, and I’m sipping on Gatorade on the couch when my stomach starts hurting. My stomach was already hurting, but this is a stretching kind of pain. The laxatives are working, I think. But then I got that feeling at the top of my stomach, and I knew what was about to happen. I ran to the bathroom, got to the door and couldn’t hold back anymore. I projectile puked 6 feet and hit the toilet. An almost perfect red arc, but some got in the bowl. And then…I felt the other end. I barely made it to the puke covered seat and began shitting my brains out while still puking hard into the bathtub. I was crying and sobbing by the end of it while still puking. My bathroom looked like a murder scene. I’m covered in red puke. And I still had 3 more bottles of laxative to get through. I’ll be honest, I contemplated my continuing existence in that moment.
I was still trying to find what I liked. Beer was and is disgusting. Hard liquor required mixing to make it taste good, which I wasn’t good at. Coolers aren’t bad, which I drank for the rest of that week. But red wine was tasty. Really tasty. Deceptively tasty. It also contains a lot of tannins, which I found out the hard way later can cause stomach cramps and nausea in some people such as those with Crohn’s that I didn’t know about at the time. So does tea for that matter. It’s all part of the journey. I know what to avoid for the most part now.
Ye old pukerator
The more I think about it, the more I figure…if you had one at your house, you could become the fucking Rodney Mullen of that thing. Like, forget just being able to stand up and walk around. A few hundred hours of practice, and you could jump rope, juggle, have a whole tea party without spilling anything, sleep in it to see if it gives you superpowers and/or immortality. The possibilities are endless.
It’s like NASA training at home. Next stop, SPAAAAAAACE!
But that’s the very first thing we did to space.
Next stop is defeating Cell
No, that was the Matterhorn. Who designs a tight circular track and then not only spin people forwards, but stop mid way through and spin them backwards? I think that was the 3rd hardest I’ve ever puked in my life.
For the uninitiated.
You can’t just hit and run like this. Spill it.
The story. Spill the story.
OK, well the 2nd hardest I puked was at a cottage with some buddies not long after college. I didn’t have much experience drinking, and I thought it would be a great idea to drink a magnum of red wine on the first night. I was doing good for most of the night, even ate dinner and was having a great time. And then…I didn’t feel so good. And then I really didn’t feel so good. I ran to the railing with a bright red spray, as my buddies laughed their asses off because they thought I sounded like Donald Duck when he’s angry. I thought that was funny and started laughing while puking, which just made me sound more like Donald Duck when he’s angry. They called me Donald for the rest of that week. I’ve had a love/hate relationship with red wine ever since.
The hardest I’ve ever puked though was during my year of hell, when I was going through my Crohn’s diagnosis. I had hit a pretty major flare and my bowels were practically swollen shut. My doctor wanted to do a scope, which meant I had to be cleaned out first. And for that, they give you powerful laxatives. They told me to drink Gatorade with the water to help hydrate me since it blasted all the water through your bowels. What they didn’t tell me was to avoid red Gatorade. So I’ve downed the laxatives mixed into a bottle of water, and I’m sipping on Gatorade on the couch when my stomach starts hurting. My stomach was already hurting, but this is a stretching kind of pain. The laxatives are working, I think. But then I got that feeling at the top of my stomach, and I knew what was about to happen. I ran to the bathroom, got to the door and couldn’t hold back anymore. I projectile puked 6 feet and hit the toilet. An almost perfect red arc, but some got in the bowl. And then…I felt the other end. I barely made it to the puke covered seat and began shitting my brains out while still puking hard into the bathtub. I was crying and sobbing by the end of it while still puking. My bathroom looked like a murder scene. I’m covered in red puke. And I still had 3 more bottles of laxative to get through. I’ll be honest, I contemplated my continuing existence in that moment.
Those wacky college kids and their… red wine!
I was still trying to find what I liked. Beer was and is disgusting. Hard liquor required mixing to make it taste good, which I wasn’t good at. Coolers aren’t bad, which I drank for the rest of that week. But red wine was tasty. Really tasty. Deceptively tasty. It also contains a lot of tannins, which I found out the hard way later can cause stomach cramps and nausea in some people such as those with Crohn’s that I didn’t know about at the time. So does tea for that matter. It’s all part of the journey. I know what to avoid for the most part now.