Men get so many mixed messages in today’s society, from being called toxic to being pushed to be top dog (or else you’re a loser). There are lots of expectations put on men, and various ways men rebel against those.
What can be done to address society’s negative views of men and masculinity? And how can we formulate what healthy masculinity looks like, so we can teach that to our boys?
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I think healthy masculinity is just about being active in a compassionate way. We would have to change the propaganda in society about masculinity. It has to be a positive narrative.
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What does healthy masculinity even look like?
Men used to have a role as breadwinner. That gave us a purpose and dignity: it doesn’t matter what job you have, so long as you provide for your family. Success was providing.
The default role is gone, and I think that’s for the best. But there’s no clear path to relevance for men now. So some men and boys look for other sources of purpose and validation: are they attractive to women? Do they have the right brands? Are they angry at the right people?
When I was growing up, my dad pushed me to be the best at something. The thing didn’t really matter, nor did being the best, but the effort did. I needed to focus and apply myself. That gave me direction, and it helped me achieve academically. That, in turn, helped me find a purpose as an adult.
So here it is, sbv’s recipe for healthy masculinity: try. Choose what you’re going to do, and then try as hard as you fucking can. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, understand what didn’t work and move on to the next thing. But keep trying.
(I think there’s a bunch of other stuff around empathy and helping others succeed, but it’s hard to find self actualization in others - I think that comes as one of the results of trying)
I agree with your solution: be good at something. That is key to valuing yourself.
But I disagree with “the default role is gone”. What I see is that men are still expected to be the main breadwinners and providers. It’s just that that role is no longer as respected as it once was. It’s a silent “minimum” that’s expected of men, and we’d better not complain about it.
People may say that men no longer need to be breadwinners and providers, but in practice men who aren’t are looked down upon and have trouble finding a partner.
Yes, this is true in my experience. Men are still expected to provide and protect.
When it comes to dating, the common sentiment now is that the one asking should be the one to pay. We are still traditional when it comes so initiating so it usually falls on the man having to pay anyway. What feminists say they want, and women actually want are not the same. In my experience, the vast majority of women I know expect their husbands to provide for them even if they’re earning money themselves.
And how can we formulate what healthy masculinity looks like, so we can teach that to our boys?
This is going to sound weird, but I think talking through emotions early is important. I’ve often had a hard time understanding why I’m upset. My sons are under ten: one of them will scream in rage when he’s upset, and the other will get quiet and passive aggressive. (Both are well within the bounds of normal, but they’re kids)
I don’t know if this is just my genes or is a broader issue, but I’m trying to get my guys to say when they don’t like something and talk about why. Early. Before they reach a boiling point.
Man, who cares. It’s not about masculinity or feminity.
Just be yourself and be kind to others. That’s all that matters.
You’re enough.
We care. Because there is a lot of negative messaging about men, and young men especially get distorted ideas because of that. As an educator that’s important to me.
I understand your point.
What I’m trying to say is that we should teach young boys and men that masculinity is just a stupid outdated concept. You don’t have to be a certain way to be a man. You don’t have to act a certain way or do certain things to be manly. Just being yourself and being kind ought to be enough.
I disagree. Gender doesn’t become meaningless just because we have difficulties defining it within modern sensibilities. There is something about gender that drives certain people to want to transition, for example, and it’s not just about genitalia.
Now if you mean to say that one doesn’t have to be a masculine man to still be a man, I agree. Tho it does make certain things (e.g. dating) a lot more difficult when you’re an unmasculine man.
Gender is different. Gender is gender.
Masculinity is a group of qualities or attributes regarded as characteristics of men. And I think men are relying too much on it to define themselves. Then when trying to find models of masculinity, you stumble upon jackasses like Andrew Tate.
If we forget the concepts of masculinity and femininity and just do what feels good and feels right, then we don’t need these concepts and we can finally free ourselves from any definition and just be.
