Maybe this is the wrong place to ask questions about how to be a good parent for adult kids, as I see a lot of questions here are regarding young kids, but I figured I’d ask here.
Long story short, I just got out of prison last year. I was in my son’s life for his first 5 years, then I fucked up and got sent away. His mom went no contact with me then. A few years before I got out, I got a letter from my now-adult kid wanting to reconnect.
I am out now, but I just have no idea what I’m doing where he is concerned. He wants a father in his life, but I don’t know how to be that person for him. It has been difficult to transition back to the ‘real world’ and I don’t want to fuck up what little relationship we have.
He says he just wants to hang out, but like I don’t even know what to say to him or talk about with him. Most of the time he does all the talking and I just listen but I’m worried that’s not enough and that I should contribute to the conversation more, but I don’t know what to say.
I never had a father figure in my life growing up, so I don’t really have anyone in real life to ask (plus it’s embarassing and I prefer the anonymity of the internet).
I have no intention of trying to ‘parent’ him, and I know I’m not role-model material, but he wants to hang out and I feel like every time it’s very awkward and weird (we hung out 3-4 times since I got out). Should I just treat him like I would anyone I hang out with (friends, brother/sister), or do you think he is expecting something else, and what even would that be?
As someone with no experience in this area, I feel like I would just try my best to explain to him all of what you just said. Hell you could put in writing.
Essentially, you’re telling him that you can’t be that father figure that he missed out on. You’re telling him you don’t want to disappoint him again by him hoping that you’re able to fill that void.
It sounds like maybe he already knows that though. Maybe all you really need to do is to make sure that he knows that going forward you will have is back in any way you possibly can. That even if he screws up like you did in the past that you will be there for him if he wants you there. However you can. And that you will support him and help him through whatever he encounters.
If you do want to try your hand at fathering him more, the best you can probably do is to share your experiences with him. Especially your mistakes, tell him about your regrets. What you’ve learned from the mistakes in your life. What are parents doing besides sharing what they know with their kids?
And just to say out loud what you probably already know, all of this depends on You actually staying in his life and not disappearing again. You have to commit to not screwing up again and you have to commit to being present in some way. Shape or form in his life and talking to him regularly. If you don’t do that much then you’re going to hurt him again, But you probably already know that.
Again, I have no experience in all this. Just rambling at you Because I want to help since it sounds like you’re trying to do the right thing. Good luck man just do your best that’s all anyone can do.
Or even show him what you wrote here. The big thing is be honest. And it’s OK to be vulnerable to him. He’s reaching out to you, trust that he’s in a vulnerable place too.
Thank you for your good advice. He’s a smart guy and I definitely don’t plan on going anywhere, I intend to remain in his life as long as he’ll allow it.