I just found out from my wife that if I continue to explore my non-binary identity outside of the confines of our house, she’s going to end up leaving me. Talk about a lose-lose scenario, fuck me. I really don’t want to hear the “you’re better off without her if she can’t be accepting” line of thinking. I get where you’d be going with that, but there’s a lot more going on beyond this wherein I need her.
I’m really sorry your wife rejected you like that, that pain will likely stick around for some time. Coming out as nonbinary in a marriage is really tough, my partner actually did not too long ago.
I’m a trans woman, and there were still challenges for me. In theory I should be the most accepting partner and immediately be able to change my brain around, but I found myself confused - having to process things in ways I didn’t anticipate.
Your partner’s brain is probably going crazy right now trying to process your identity, what that means for her identity and you as a couple, then resetting the expectations she had for your collective future. Not to mention processing the potential optics of being perceived as being in a queer relationship in today’s climate. That’s a lot!
How she spoke to you was how she felt in that moment, but doesn’t have to be how she feels forever. If you have the patience and pain tolerance for that process, it’s very possible things will work out.
What’s harder to actually make work is suppressing your identity for the sake of someone you love. It can feel like noble sacrifice, but you’re really not doing either of you a favor long-term. You’ll both feel the facade, but feel dedicated to it and be miserable.
I suppose if I had advice, it’d be to remember that how you both feel in this moment can and will change, and doesn’t have to mean anything big about your relationship unless you want it to. I know I can feel a panic to process and try to repair things, when time and space is actually what’s needed.
Oh, and try to find a decent relationship counselor if you’re both down - though the process of finding someone is certainly discouraging.
I really hope the best for you.
I’d love to be able to give her the benefit of the doubt like that, but I didn’t just come out, it’s that I’m just now starting to have the tiniest amount of confidence to consider presenting as such.
I’d never felt confident enough to really do anything in the direction of dressing outside my AGAB, but her and I talked the other night and she was encouraging and supportive. She even said I should get some clothes to wear to a music festival we’re going to. I started to look and showed her some things I was thinking, which was nothing crazy, but clearly feminine, and that’s where she said she couldn’t live this way.
I’d love to be able to talk to a therapist, either alone or together, but no one near me takes my insurance.
Ugh, I bet that quick whiplash of real support to rejection and denial was really hard. I’m not really sure what’s going on there — AMAB people dressing more feminine is always seen so negatively even by people who purport to be progressive.
A music festival is such a good environment for experimenting with your presentation! Maybe try to make time for that alone if you can?
It’s such a bummer you can’t get in any counseling. I also couldn’t find anyone who took my insurance so I pay out of pocket for it ($85/visit) which sucks.
Yeah, it felt like more of a betrayal than when exes admitted to cheating on me. I also don’t get why it’s such a big deal. I won’t have any solo time at the festival unfortunately. But I do only work 4 days of the week, so I get a day to have the chance to express myself, thankfully.
Please ignore the commenter saying you should get a divorce. Nobody here knows anything about your relationship or your personal life, so we have no business telling you to make major life decisions. You may want to try talking to a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues, since only someone who takes the time to get to know you and understand your situation can really give you helpful advice.
I fully planned on ignoring that. I’ve been thinking about therapy, but no one near me accepts my insurance, so that option is out the window.
What exactly do you mean by explore my non-binary identity?
In short, figuring out exactly how I’m most comfortable and confident in presenting myself.
Does that mean a change of your general appearance in public, or going out and meeting/flirting with new people that align with your non binary self
Appearance and how I dress is the entirety of it.
If she cannot or will not reason with you; she should be told to get lost. I don’t know the complexities of your relationship; but if she is unwilling to parlay or hear you out…the ship sank long before you noticed. Do not expend energy trying to salvage it.
but there’s a lot more going on beyond this wherein I need her.
I get there may be a large number of affairs that are entangled that may require you to take time or action to disentangle them. I’m not telling you to deliver an ultimatum today or even this month. Be Prepared.
It doesn’t matter that you don’t want to hear it; The time is nigh; Prepare for a divorce. Please; DO NOT LET HER FILE FIRST!!! You should do it; so that you don’t get taken to the cleaners and there’s two lawyers negotiating instead of one lawyer demanding you yield everything of value to her.
You must not ignore the problem at hand. Naturally; if you know of a way to resolve the problem without resorting to nuclear tactics or ultimatums; you may pursue them. Understand however that she may be unyielding or refuse to compromise.
If she is truly willing to leave you for refusing to stop expressing or exploring yourself; you should not yield to her emotional blackmail. I leave it up to you to engage and speak with her honestly to determine where she stands emotionally on this so you can better advise yourself on how you will choose to respond to her highly inappropriate request.
In the end; what you do is your choice…but I genuinely wish you luck and hope that your wife is more reasonable and kind than I am expecting her to be. Talk to her and see.
She’s definitely a lot better than that. In no way is she the type to try to vulture anything away from me. There is very much intent to figure things out, but like I said in my other reply, I just need a minute to get past the hurt of her being supportive then suddenly not.
The parent comment in this subthread seems to imply that filing first in a legal action is advantageous in that you’re more likely to win or get what you’re after. That has not been my experience, but I’d be curious to know if there is better than anecdotal data to back up that perspective.
Well then you’ll have to talk with her.
Yeah, once the initial pain of her being supportive then suddenly not wears off.
I think you have to just be prepared for her not being attracted to your AGAB but also prepared to have a real conversation once that reality sets in for her. If it doesn’t work for her, that sucks but that’s just the reality of the situation. But it might if time lets it sink in for her. It might, it might not. I hope for the best though.
Edit: I’m also not personally good at relationships for myself so take this all with a very large grain of salt.
She’s actually exclusively attracted to my AGAB, at least in me. So moving away from that is actually the root of the problem.
My friend, I feel for you. This is a very difficult situation. However, at the core of it is a decision you have to make, but only you can make it.
Is your partner more important to you than your identity?
That’s exactly the issue at hand. Plus all of the stigma and questions from family and friends if the split happens, which I’m by no means capable of dealing with.
Everything seems impossible until you do it. Don’t sell yourself short, or you’ll always be dependent on someone – instead of just wanting to be around someone. You may want to look into attachment styles. Good luck.
Yeah, that’s one of those things that I know in my head, but can’t really internalize.
