I just found out from my wife that if I continue to explore my non-binary identity outside of the confines of our house, she’s going to end up leaving me. Talk about a lose-lose scenario, fuck me. I really don’t want to hear the “you’re better off without her if she can’t be accepting” line of thinking. I get where you’d be going with that, but there’s a lot more going on beyond this wherein I need her.
I’m really sorry your wife rejected you like that, that pain will likely stick around for some time. Coming out as nonbinary in a marriage is really tough, my partner actually did not too long ago.
I’m a trans woman, and there were still challenges for me. In theory I should be the most accepting partner and immediately be able to change my brain around, but I found myself confused - having to process things in ways I didn’t anticipate.
Your partner’s brain is probably going crazy right now trying to process your identity, what that means for her identity and you as a couple, then resetting the expectations she had for your collective future. Not to mention processing the potential optics of being perceived as being in a queer relationship in today’s climate. That’s a lot!
How she spoke to you was how she felt in that moment, but doesn’t have to be how she feels forever. If you have the patience and pain tolerance for that process, it’s very possible things will work out.
What’s harder to actually make work is suppressing your identity for the sake of someone you love. It can feel like noble sacrifice, but you’re really not doing either of you a favor long-term. You’ll both feel the facade, but feel dedicated to it and be miserable.
I suppose if I had advice, it’d be to remember that how you both feel in this moment can and will change, and doesn’t have to mean anything big about your relationship unless you want it to. I know I can feel a panic to process and try to repair things, when time and space is actually what’s needed.
Oh, and try to find a decent relationship counselor if you’re both down - though the process of finding someone is certainly discouraging.
I really hope the best for you.
I’d love to be able to give her the benefit of the doubt like that, but I didn’t just come out, it’s that I’m just now starting to have the tiniest amount of confidence to consider presenting as such.
I’d never felt confident enough to really do anything in the direction of dressing outside my AGAB, but her and I talked the other night and she was encouraging and supportive. She even said I should get some clothes to wear to a music festival we’re going to. I started to look and showed her some things I was thinking, which was nothing crazy, but clearly feminine, and that’s where she said she couldn’t live this way.
I’d love to be able to talk to a therapist, either alone or together, but no one near me takes my insurance.
Ugh, I bet that quick whiplash of real support to rejection and denial was really hard. I’m not really sure what’s going on there — AMAB people dressing more feminine is always seen so negatively even by people who purport to be progressive.
A music festival is such a good environment for experimenting with your presentation! Maybe try to make time for that alone if you can?
It’s such a bummer you can’t get in any counseling. I also couldn’t find anyone who took my insurance so I pay out of pocket for it ($85/visit) which sucks.
Yeah, it felt like more of a betrayal than when exes admitted to cheating on me. I also don’t get why it’s such a big deal. I won’t have any solo time at the festival unfortunately. But I do only work 4 days of the week, so I get a day to have the chance to express myself, thankfully.