There is a theory out there that the world actually ended in 1999. Everything we’ve experienced since is all a simulation.

Then I stopped to think about the theory for 3 seconds, and realize this must have been someone who was high. Still though, that’s wild. That would mean 9/11 never happened. That would mean Brexit never happened. That would mean that the KFC double down never happened.

And I’m very ok with those tragedies being fiction.

I miss those magazines. I love absurdity, and I’d beg my mom to buy them for me. She wouldn’t and said they were trash, and not real.

I know. Thats why I want them. I don’t want real news. I never asked her to buy a newspaper. I want to read how Bigfoot was caught bathing in a bird bath in northern Canada. Yes, I was 7, and knew the difference between this and reality. But I love absurd fake shit.

I spent the 90s watching pro wrestling where an undead wizard faught his own long lost brother, who was thought to be dead decades ago after the undead wizard burned his whole family alive inside the family owned funeral home. Turns out his brother was kept locked in a basement to hide his scars, and now wears a mask to hide his disfigured face. And somehow, because he was burned alive as a child, he now is able to summon fire, which is just as plausible as his brother being able to summon lightning.

I know most of you don’t watch pro wrestling. I get that it’s not for everyone. BUT! After reading that summery of an actual decades long storyline, if you EVER ask a fan of pro wrestling if they know it’s “fake”, you’re even dumber than you think we are.

Point is, I love these magazines, but at some point they gave up. They couldn’t be more absurd than real life.

Absurdity is dead.

Yes, but are you bout it bout it and rowdy rowdy? Are you all that AND a bag of chips? Or are a salty scrub?

So like…is there a line? Do I take a number? Hows this work?

The tooth fairy is the sketchiest of the childhood figures. I mean Santa is kind of sketchy with his big brother surveilance of little children.

Jesus is just a magical wizard who becomes a zombie.

The devil never seems to have much of a motivation beyond “do evil shit, and make one sided deals”.

But the tooth fairy??? What the fuck is she doing??? Running around the world paying money for childrens teeth. What the hell is that all about??? Is it a sex thing?? Is this some sort of cult ritual? Are childrens teeth currency in her world???

Thats the problem with these characters. Their motivation is never clearly defined. I remember my mom telling me about santa when I was 5, and I asked why this stranger was ok to come into our home late at night. But I can’t accept 1 piece of candy on the street, even though every halloween we get a full bucket of candy.

Life did not make sense to me as a kid. Doesn’t make sense as an adult. I live in 2025 where government officials are publically doing nazi salutes, and The Onion reports plausible news.

I don’t get life.

Upvoted for calling me attractive!

D’awww!

Is it bad that I didn’t know masturbation was a thing until AFTER I had already had sex? My girlfriend was like “Why are your loads always so massive??? How often do you jerk off???”

And I was like “…what do you mean by jerk off?”

American here. I’m good not buying things for the next 4 years. I have enough things.

Should have used a picture from WCW when he was hollywood hogan as the after photo. Where he’s just spray painting NWO on Miss Elizabeths back.

Because thats what modern day America is trying to do. Establish a new world order.

Or you could have went a different route, and made the before picture hogan smiling with trump back in 1990 at wrestlemania. And then had the after photo be hogan posing with trump in modern day.

Isn’t that wild? How nothing has really changed? The players are still the same. The issues are still the same. Money. Greed. Power. Control. Racism. It’s all the same.

That’s why I’ll never understand why people say “I wonder what George Carlin would say about things now…”

SAME SHIT HE SAID 30 FUCKING YEARS AGO BECAUSE NOTHINGS CHANGED, ASSHOLES!!! He already saw all this shit. He’s heard this song and dance, and made material about the core concept decades ago. The only thing different is now the volume is turned up, and everybody is saying the quiet part out loud.

Narrator: They did.

I’ve seen plenty of youtube videos to know people are dumb enough to try this.

You could do what I do. Say all the things. Contradictory things. I never say anything. But what I say is the truth, so I can always fall back and say I told you so. And you’d never know what it is, because I’ve said too much, and nothing at all. Where is the cookie man in our time of vegitables? Now where did I put that corn? I gave it to Dr Katz, medicine woman. I jaywalked just last week! No babies were harmed in the filming of this movie. I don’t know the muffin man, stop asking! Where was I? Where were YOU??? I never had corn in my life. Batman is just a muscular version of Ted Turner. Now have fun deciding what to make of any of this. I never said that.

Its an event that only happened like 2 months ago. People sat down, wrote an entire musical show, wrote all new songs, a story, the whole show. Then they held auditions, cast it, rehearsed it, got it ready for debut night. Then found a theater, rented it for the duration of its run, and apperently forgot to advertise it, becsuse the first time I even heard of it is AFTER the entire run of shows are all sold out.

And you’re worried that the show is starting small???

I literally checked to see if this was one of the two communities I mod. It’s not. Otherwise I’d have swung the ban hammer.

You’re thinking of Grind’r.

Now, lets say you got 4 of these turtles together, and had them be raised by a rat. And taught them martial arts…

Do you think you might have a chance at meeting that cute reporter girl on the news?

I’ve been saying that The Onion started out making absurdist articles. They still make absurdist articles. Not their fault the real world ALSO became a matching level of absurdity, thus making The Onion articles plausible.

20 years ago I worked at Target. Holy shit, never again. The managers do not give a shit, at ALL.

The employees bust their asses stocking shelves, helping customers, running register (this at a time before self checkout), and doing literally everything to keep the store running.

As far as I could tell, the managers do about 1-2 hours of paperwork in their office, and spend the rest of the time going around yelling at every single employee for no reason.

One time we had a guy who wanted to return a VCR. Keep in mind 20 years ago is 2005. This VCR is at LEAST 10 years old, and very used. We don’t even sell this VCR.

He has no reciept. No box. No remote. There was a porn vhs inside the vcr. He insisted the VCR doesn’t work, is brand new, and wants a $300 refund.

I refused him, because, c’mon.

He asks for the manager. Manager comes over, I explain the situation in private. Then she goes and talks to him. He says I was being rude. Manager is yelling at me that I should have just processed the refund (despite the fact it goes against literally every policy).

So I just asked her “Ok, how do I do that?”

And she looked at me as if I farted. She says “What do you mean? Just scan the UPC, and ring it up!”. So I asked “Ok, where is the UPC?” And NOW she had to admit we can’t return it. Mind you, I already told her in private beforehand that he has no box and we don’t even sell this VCR.

But now that we physically can’t even start the process, she had to admit I was right. Which she then yelled at ME for being rude to HER.

Walked out that day. Fuck target, fuck working at target. Fuck those little letters on the register that say you’re working too slow. Fuck the idea that every customer is always right. Fuck the idea that employees are worthless wage slaves. Fuck entitled managers. Fuck this CEO. I don’t even care if he wasn’t CEO 20 years ago. Fuck him anyways. Fuck billionaires.

AND A 3D BY THOSE DAMN DUDDLEYS!!!

Damn. I was just about to reply the same thing. But instead of an emoji, I was going to say “Pick one!”