Last week I got myself a tape measure, figured out some sizing things and ordered a cheap dress online. It looked good, and for the first time in my life I felt beautiful. I felt like I could actually pull of a transition and not look like an ugly man in a dress. I giggled and cried and it felt so good. The next day I went to the mall, got my ears pierced, bought all the girly things I was brave enough to in person. Then I paced around mac like a weirdo until I worked up the courage to go in and ask for help picking makeup. They were great and super helpful getting me some basics. When I went home, I put my dress on, and thought I’d take it slow and just put on some lipstick and paint my nails. When I saw myself, I felt like an ugly old man in lipstick, and it fucking ruined all the euphoria from before. I know I can get past that, do my makeup better and find something more comfortable, but I wanted to hang on to that feeling forever. I saw the woman I know I am inside for a moment and wanted the rest to just happen. It’s not gonna be that easy though, is it?
So, here’s a thing. You’ve grown up surrounded by transphobia and internalised it. It’s the work of a life time to undo that. So my advice to you is to just try and keep that in mind. The voice telling you that you’re “a man in a dress” is what years of internalised transphobia looks like.
There is no easy trick to make that voice go away, but you can remember what it is when it sounds in your head, and take away a lot of its power, and you can give yourself permission to go easy on yourself :)
You’ve got this
Going easy on myself is gonna take some practice. Thank you 💕