First off, I’m fine, I’m in a good place, safe, etc. This is just kinda stream of consciousness, so sorry in advance.
I’ve lived my life a long time with a sense of fatalism that bordered suicidal, and I’ve lived a crazy life. Got kicked out young, was into crypto in the early 2010’s but didn’t have enough capital to do anything interesting, couch surfed, homeless shelters, all kinds of stuff. People would ask me if I had any regrets and I legitimately never did.
Now, I have lots of regrets…
I regret being stagnant basically since puberty, living like some Punk Rock Peter Pan, drinking every day for decades, doing nothing but playing video games and smoking weed and blasting myself into some other life any way I could. I existed like an astral projection of myself, too apathetic to brush my teeth or do anything productive with my body. Workout goals never resonated with me, so I never did that either.
I have the general regret I didn’t come out to myself sooner, but I find that wholly unproductive, so I don’t entertain it, but these other regrets, they are making the tapestry of the game plan to get myself back on track and i don’t have the luxury to ignore it.
I’m making great progress, counting my calorie intake, being active, practicing mindfulness, but the more I do and feel better about myself, the more that regret nags at me.
It Just kinda dawned on me while I was sitting here, I’m actually afraid to die now, made me think about what else had changed when I realized I regret so much now, and it didn’t make me who I was anymore than the trauma or anything else, and now I feel brain fucked.
I dunno what the call to action is here, any of y’all relate or have anything to say?
Seems a very common experience for those suffering from gender dysphoria to feel like they merely “passed through life” but didn’t really live or engage. Whether that takes the form of numbness, apathy, or recklessness, I guess varies from person to person.
But yes it’s amazing what giving a damn about your life and body will do.
I’m staring at 40 soon and not even fully out yet. I consider the time from age 18 to my realization to be “lost years”. I absolutely regret and mourn for what could have been, if I had really lived instead of always being depressed and dead inside, with no sense of identity.
Then again since beginning my transition I’ve legit become like a teenage girl. Not intentionally, it just happens, discovering all these new things. Trying to find my style, whereas I never cared before. In a way it’s almost like getting a second chance at life, and that’s a beautiful thing, even if I can never go back and change my mistakes.
Maybe it’s like any grief, you have to go through all the stages, to come out the other side and appreciate what was, without being weighed down by it. I’m not quite there yet, but the farther I get along my transition and toward my goals, I can feel myself overcoming the grief/regret.