I thought I was reading writing from a real reporter visiting real weirdos for a bit longer than I’d like to admit; so the tone is def. on point. It started out like something right out of sneerclub.
The blending of eugenics with silicon valley style corporate “ethics” and excess gives an interesting setting; and sprinkling in so many quotes / product names / etc. was nice for worldbuilding and setting the scene.
I was left with lots of unanswered questions (I assume deliberately); this leaves a lot to the imagination including some threads that would be too openly dark for this sort of gilded setting. Or with the setting being so transitional it’s possible that even this company hasn’t thought through of what will happen 10, 20 years in the future as they move fast and break things to chase after the next quarters earnings.
Sorry I suck at giving criticism so this is just all stuff I liked. The following is my best shot at actual criticism:
The ending did confuse me a bit and felt a little out of place: I had to go back and re-read it a second time to get the mood I feel it was trying to invoke. Citrus being mentioned 5 times made me wonder if I was missing a deeper meaning. But on re-reading citrus definitely makes sense as a theme: having both a lovely natural scent from oranges and lemons and a sterile artifical sent from cleaning products or air fresheners.
Similarly I thought I might be missing something with the woman being surprised by headlights at dusk; though looking back natural dusk and sudden artificial headlights does pair well with the transitional setting of the story.
Oh god thank you. Thats every compliment I could’ve hoped for.
Youre reading it exactly as I intended it to be read.
I actually struggled with the ending, I wasn’t sure if I should keep the ending as if was, part of a neutral article or offer a more personal opinion of the journalist. I do think I muddled it a little in terms of mood. I’m trying go evoke awe and fear but my personal biases made fear the dominant emotion of the piece.
You’re correct about citrus. That was the intent.
Similarly correct about the headlights. I actually feared it was a bit too on the nose.
I thought I was reading writing from a real reporter visiting real weirdos for a bit longer than I’d like to admit; so the tone is def. on point. It started out like something right out of sneerclub.
The blending of eugenics with silicon valley style corporate “ethics” and excess gives an interesting setting; and sprinkling in so many quotes / product names / etc. was nice for worldbuilding and setting the scene.
I was left with lots of unanswered questions (I assume deliberately); this leaves a lot to the imagination including some threads that would be too openly dark for this sort of gilded setting. Or with the setting being so transitional it’s possible that even this company hasn’t thought through of what will happen 10, 20 years in the future as they move fast and break things to chase after the next quarters earnings.
Sorry I suck at giving criticism so this is just all stuff I liked. The following is my best shot at actual criticism:
The ending did confuse me a bit and felt a little out of place: I had to go back and re-read it a second time to get the mood I feel it was trying to invoke. Citrus being mentioned 5 times made me wonder if I was missing a deeper meaning. But on re-reading citrus definitely makes sense as a theme: having both a lovely natural scent from oranges and lemons and a sterile artifical sent from cleaning products or air fresheners.
Similarly I thought I might be missing something with the woman being surprised by headlights at dusk; though looking back natural dusk and sudden artificial headlights does pair well with the transitional setting of the story.
Also oh god is this company is probably patenting their genes so what happens when people have babies do they have to pay a licensing fee?
I actually considered writing about this! Since similar issues arise in agriculture.
My first idea was that they make the kids infertile from birth and they have to have it unlocked again.
But I decided not to write about it as at this point I was writing about a new company.
Oh god thank you. Thats every compliment I could’ve hoped for.
Youre reading it exactly as I intended it to be read.
I actually struggled with the ending, I wasn’t sure if I should keep the ending as if was, part of a neutral article or offer a more personal opinion of the journalist. I do think I muddled it a little in terms of mood. I’m trying go evoke awe and fear but my personal biases made fear the dominant emotion of the piece.
You’re correct about citrus. That was the intent.
Similarly correct about the headlights. I actually feared it was a bit too on the nose.
PS. Youre the perfect reader for me lmao.