ive always had that fear. or rather, ive always know that i am ultimately alone through various circumstances of my life and whatnot, not to mention that at the end of the day, yeah, youre supposed to be selfcaring and selfreliant enough to be comfortable with yourself or whatever but
anyways, this is just a ramble so it doesnt have much sense but, i had 50 and something bucks after finally managing to get some work here and there, but my family asked for money again, so i just gave them all of it in a fit, because im tired. its just the same. i never do anything to them; it doesnt matter i clean all the dishes, do two daily deliveries plus whatever other order they need to do, and whatever else they ask of me. it doesnt matter that they dont give me food, that i literally have no friends, that i have tried to kill myself in the past and they still insist on my depression being made up, that im just a lazy, abnormal person that doesnt get on with the program and get a job, and im just not cut out for it, man
im sick of it. im tired. and im just literally sick. fuck illegal immigration, neurodivergence, capitalism, gender dysphoria, gender roles, consumerism, and fuck not being given a. fucking choice before being put in this place i just want to die. and the best part is that it would even matter that much in the grand scheme of things, but i cant detach myself from my selfish point of view enough to shed the fear and just do it. just put a stop to it
its all so complicated and here i am just fucking whining. bemoaning to the internet because i literally have no one that will listen because everyone eventually is pushed away by some way or another i just dont know what to do. or how to do it. or i just dont know. and its not worth it. its definitely not worth it. and yet here i am
I know it doesn’t count for a whole lot, but I hear you and so do a lot of others that are reading this.
I truly hope you’re able to sort out what you can and try to create some distance between you and the people who can’t see you. It’s okay to do things just for you. It’s okay to hurt. I hope things turn around for you.
*Found family" is a real thing, and it’s especially important in the LGBTQ community. You have to figure out how to put distance between yourself and the people who put you down. You also need to develop comfort and confidence with who you are and bring that into new relationships. If you’re putting killing yourself on the table, which is a radical, permanent decision, why not try other radical decisions first? If they ask for your money, say no. Stop doing any all all household chores. Go no contact with your family entirely, move across country and be homeless, find organizations that shelter or house LGBTQ folks who are homeless. Just try anything else first.
It’s rough to have to play a shitty hand you’ve been dealt. It’s worse when your family is part of the problem. Family is supposed to be there for you; bLoOd iS ThIcKeR ThAn wAtEr. Whatever. Fuck them, right?
I wish I had some magical words of advice that could help you. Truth is, I’ve been where you’re at, and I still struggle. It can get better. It is possible. I genuinely hope you find a way to make it work for you.
In the meantime, what I can suggest is to find little things that can help ease the pain. Maybe it’s a song, or a video game; maybe you learn to cook yourself a meal that you can afford. I really don’t know. Only you can figure that out.
But make no mistake: you’re not being selfish. You are abso-fucking-lutely allowed (and encouraged) to feel the way you feel, and if posting here helps you in any way, do it (and don’t stop doing it). If anybody tries to tell you different, then fuck them.
I hope you find your way in this dog-forsaken world; one way or the other. 💙
it’ll be better in the future, but you have to work towards it and rise above some of these current stresses and obstacles.
you were never an island.
just a unique voice among the many I this choir.
Not sure you will be into this… But figured I’d share it.
