I’ve a bit of a habit of “pre-selecting” myself out of asking/approaching whenever I see someone initially interesting. Either minor/major things that’d make me disinterested (smoking/big drinker/relation/habits etc.) or reasons she’d likely not be interested in me.

The more time goes without finding such a reason, the more likely I am to ask the person out.

Friend, let me be frank with you.

Every man is different, and we know next to nothing about this particular specimen. Many of us are terrible at interpreting signals, and confidence is only a small part of that.

Life is short. Ask him to his face if he’d like to do something later. What do you have to lose?

Thinking “she’s not interested anyway” (I’m a terrible judge of intentions and err on the side of caution). Though I doubt many people would confuse me with someone who is confident.

Also, handling rejection could easily ruin my day. It’s hard to move on from that if you don’t have any positive experiences with asking people out to offset the bad ones.

Some of us are weird - for a few examples, on top of being gay, I’ve passed on people that are not furries (it makes dating way easier, even if the pool of potential partners is a fraction of a fraction of what it could be). They might be looking for specific traits (nerdy, slender, glasses - yes please), they might be after someone they think is a good match for a poly relationship. They might have some wild kinks that most don’t share and so they are only looking in niche communities. There’s way, way more possibilities than ‘oh I guess they aren’t interested’. Hell, I’d pass on someone who drives a wasteful vehicle, or who has no interest in my biggest hobbies/topics, or even things that seem petty or insignificant (hairstyle for example - if I immediately want to change something about you, I’d be dating a changed version of you, not the real you). Shit, maybe they are not interested in anyone. Maybe they want someone only as a platonic partner, which again is hard to find so requires certain communities…

And some of us - myself included - hate the song and dance. Just ask them. What’s the worst that can happen, really? A moment of embarrassment? Versus a potential connection? This isn’t some magical fairytale fantasy land, not everyone sees exactly what others think. Remove the dance, remove the uncertainty, and just ask.

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Not interested

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