In the aftermath of more slow, dystopian, apocalypse shenanigans I’m trying meditations to slap a bandaid on my hemorrhaging mental health.

Seems like all I can find are slow ASMR style speeches about sunny fields and peachy angels, and I can’t stand that don’t-wake-the-baby talk. I’m not a baby.

I connected with one, lost to time, led by a guy with a chronic smoker’s rasp who demanded inner peace. It was spiritually healing because I have a poor relationship with my father.

Please, friends, do you know any free, guided meditations that aren’t condescendingly peaceful? That aren’t trying to sell supplements or pitch their sponsors midway through?

PS. No posh london accents, they remind me of the king.