This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-01-17 05:02:09+00:00.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/No_Situation_9708

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: 1

[New Update]: AITAH for telling my girlfriend I can’t trust her anymore when it comes to her wanting a baby?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder, u/queenlegolas, & u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, mentions of miscarriage and abortions, institutionalization, self-injurious behavior

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RECAP

Original Post: December 1, 2024

I (28M) have been dating my girlfriend (26F) for 4 years. She has told me she always wanted children. We just didn’t actively try for one though. I never pressured her into having a baby, it was more so her idea. I make enough and we own a home so having a baby is something we can do.

So, to clarify, I’m not mad at her for this. I’m extremely concerned and I feel like everything she has said about her wanting a baby was a lie. Abortion is also legal up to 21 weeks of pregnancy in our state.

So she told me she was pregnant, she was having symptoms and took a test. She was happy about it and excited. I was happy as well and offered to make an appointment for her. We both went together and she was 6 weeks pregnant. We have been planning, she even told her friends and family.

She ended up having a miscarriage at around 9 weeks. It was sudden and she was upset and I comforted her about it. It seemed very tough for her so I did my best to try and make her feel better.

I had to retrieve something from a drawer in our bedroom and I found some herbs covered under a bag. It was pennyroyal and mugwort. I was confused because I have heard of pennyroyal being used to cause self abortions. I asked her about it and she immediately became defensive and told me that she didn’t know where it came from. I kept trying to ask her about it and she ended up telling me she used it to have a miscarriage. She was crying and I was just in shock.

I ask her why? I told her she didn’t have to lie to me about it and I’m confused because she was the one who really wanted a baby? She didn’t give me an answer about it, I told her that we need to go to the hospital to make sure she isn’t hurt, since pennyroyal is toxic but she kept declining.

It’s been a few days and she seems fine. I’ve been trying to ask her about this but she just says she doesn’t want to talk about it. Apparently, she was telling her friends and family she had a miscarriage and has been accepting condolences. She’s avoiding this but I don’t want to push it towards her anymore. I’m not too sure what to do about this because I’m worried she might be having some type of mental breakdown or something. I eventually told her that she should not tell me about having a baby again, and I can’t trust her about it anymore. She was upset hearing that but what else could I say about something like this? This might make me a huge asshole, but in the back of my mind has been thinking she might have did this for attention from her friends and family? Idk what to do and I feel like a horrible person for even thinking this stuff.

EDIT - I’m thankful for all the info on the herbs and all of the advice. I can’t comment for a few hours because I’m going to not be on Reddit but I am going to talk to her tonight, and tomorrow or whenever everything has calmed down I will make an update.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. Speaking as a professional herbalist, pennyroyal in particular can indeed cause damage to the liver or kidneys, depending on the quantity and potency of how much she consumed.

Mugwort is less toxic, but has been known to cause miscarriage as it affects hormone levels significantly.

I highly suggest getting a checkup and mentioning ingesting those herbs and how much.

That said, this is a relationship ending decision. While your partner has every right to decide to terminate an unwanted pregnancy, she lied to you, concealed her decision to use a DIY (and dangerous) abortifacient, and then accepted condolences for her miscarriage that she probably caused.

This indicates a level of mental health problem that is not safe for any future family plans, let alone the loss of trust for having deceived you to such a degree over such an important life changing event.

She needs therapy, and you need to leave this relationship, or choose to never have children.

If she decided at a later time in the pregnancy to take herbs like this, there’s a serious risk to both her and a possible child. Just because something is “natural” doesn’t make it safe.

Hemlock is natural. Cyanide is natural.

I can name twenty plants that could kill you or make you wish it had - that’s why you need to talk to a qualified herbalist before making up a “potion”.

Seriously, you need to leave this relationship. It’s not safe, and she can’t be trusted.

OOP: Thank you for this. She won’t even tell me how much pennyroyal she taken but she did tell me she drank around 8 strong cups of mug wort. I’m guessing she’s worried I’d call an ambulance on her or force her to go to the hospital if she told me how much penny royal she taken? I didn’t see fully how much pennyroyal is left since I didn’t get a close look, I’m going to have to recheck in the drawer. I really don’t know why she won’t tell me. You’re right. I think I need to end this relationship, but it might be a mess. I’m going to talk to her tonight whenever I’m not busy

OOP’s girlfriend needs to get in therapy because the changes in her behaviors are to be concerned about

OOP: You’re right she needs therapy bad after this but since I can’t even have her go to the hospital I’m not sure how I can even convince her to see a therapist. I’m going to talk to her tonight and im taking some of these comments advice to see what I can do about this

Commenter 2: I can see two possible reasons why she would do this and act this way after:

-she realised after getting pregnant that she isn’t ready to be a mother (most probable one);

-the baby wasn’t yours (much lower on the probability scale)

OOP: I didn’t even think about the second choice. For the top choice I also get, but I’m shocked she wouldn’t get a medical abortion instead? She’s going to have to deal with the negative side effects of the herbs she taken. She knows I’m pro choice because I’m vocal about it so I’m shocked she didn’t come to me to see if I’d either come with her or she would go herself. We even have a planned parenthood near us

 

Update: December 2, 2024 (next day)

Firstly, for some context, we have a planned parenthood that specializes in abortions like 5 minutes away. I understand people thinking she didn’t want to get an abortion because of protesters. I completely understand. I drive by that specific place every single day for work. I have seen no protesters. It’s usually empty besides a few cars on the side of the side of the road. But, I still understand why she wouldn’t want a medical abortion from reading the comments.

I asked her why, what was her goal here. She was trying really hard to avoid the conversation and left the room but (I apologize if this makes me an asshole) but I told her if we can’t have a conversation about this I have to end the relationship. She came back in and said the reason why she did this was because she never felt like her family gave her enough attention in life, and didn’t feel supported by them so she wanted to tell them she had a miscarriage so they can feel bad for her.

I was confused because she could’ve just gotten a medical abortion and lied about it instead of just harming her body with a toxic herb. I asked her about that, and she told me she wanted to have the experience of having an actual miscarriage. I was so confused and in shock so I didn’t say much else because all of this just sounded crazy to me. She told me she didn’t want me mad at her and she doesn’t want to break up and she was literally begging me to not break up with her.

I asked her, is there any chance the baby wouldn’t have been mine? She said no.

I told her she needs to get therapy ASAP. I thankfully make enough to afford therapy and I told her I will pay for her if she just please go to therapy. She agreed. I also told her she needs to go to the hospital and I was telling her all of your comments about the septic that can happen and liver and kidney damage and that kinda scared her into going to the hospital to get checked out.

We went to the hospital last night and thankfully she is ok. Apparently she drank around 1 cup of it a day for a few days. I found out she was also taking some other things (high dose of vitamin c, turmeric, parsley). That’s pretty much it for now, but I’m not too sure where to go from here. I love her and I do want to be with her but all of this is so out of the blue. Thanks for all of the comments on the last post. If anything else happens I’ll make another update.

**Relevant Com…

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