Image: 4 panels of Gru (middle-age man from Despicable Me movie) presenting a plan on a canvas.
-
1: learn from your history of getting taken advantage of
-
2: start setting boundaries with people
-
3: “why are you so mean and angry now?”
-
4: man looks at canvas with a concerned expression “why are you so mean and angry now?”
“Because people keep fucking me.”
Your energy is valuable! Your time is valuable! You are valuable! A relationship, no matter if romantic or not, is mutual.
Remember, when setting and enforcing boundaries, the calmer and quieter you are, the more effective it is. This is true no matter what neurological situation you’re in.
I had a very successful social interaction just yesterday. I was in a spa with my lover, both tripping on magic mushrooms. After hours of sauna, warm pools, comfy mattresses, and cuddles, we became hungry and went to the restaurant in the spa.
On a table about three meters away sat a group of around six women. At some point they started talking about Israel/Palestine, raised their noise level and let their emotions shine through. I sat there peacefully waiting for my meal and watching the patterns in the wooden table move. Then they forced this emotionally charged topic on me. It totally ruined my chill vibe and I decided to act.
I approached the table and said the following in a calm and stern voice.
Hello. Excuse me. I know you are upset about this topic. I know it’s very emotionally charged. If you talk so loudly you are forcing this emotionally charged topic onto others in your environment. So please keep it down and your emotions in check.
I left their table and they actually complied.
What I thought about saying, but did not:
You are not helping anyone with your self righteous outrage. What you’re saying is neither insightful nor novel. Your understanding of this topic is superficial at best. Your overly emotional approach hinders your understanding and helps perpetuate this conflict. Have you done anything to help improve the situation besides your performative outrage?
Employers HATE this one trick!
Setting boundaries for yourself and communicating them with other people are skills that you must practice to be effective at. Often when you get started, you might come off aggressively or with language or tone that is off-putting or offensive. Reflect on it and make adjustments as you grow. Also, some people are just jerks.
A parent of mine is struggling with this mindset currently. For your own mental health, it’s important to frame this type of interaction correctly.
There will always be people who feel entitled to your emotional or physical labor. The framing in the meme, while relatable, can lead to a frustration spiral. Bad faith responses to boundary setting should be expected and factored in up-front. The correct response is to stand by your decision without being drawn into a debate on it. Eventually the other party will either move on or give up.
You come first as they’re gaslighting you.
Pretty sure that’s a brand new sentence (or at least a brand new stage direction).
