I really appreciate hearing this. I was diagnosed ADHD almost a year ago, and it made a lot of things make sense, but therapy continues coming back to, “Yes, definitely the ADHD, it’s obvious now, but there’s just something… else.” I’m going to begin trauma therapy soon, but stumbling upon some information on autism made me immediately recoil and say “That can’t be me”. When I learned a bit more, I realized where the reaction came from. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy avoiding and pushing away those traits. I blocked out a lot of memories as a kid, and as soon as I read about common autistic behaviours in children I started to be able to see those things and remember them and not immediately recoil, but suddenly consider them as something that really happened.

I think that’s the real fear of “high-functioning”, whatever it is, without having a label/diagnosis. Yes, I’m participating in society, I’m doing well, people like me, I’m good at my job - I guess it’s just that the cost of it is everything that makes me me, and if that’s normal, I don’t understand how anyone gets by - and if it isn’t normal, then what is it so much harder for me, and what does it mean for me?

So yeah, I do think I might look into assessment. I think for me, I’ve just pushed myself so hard for so long and blamed myself for so much that painful perseverance is deeply ingrained. Even though I should be able to follow my needs and rhythms without a diagnosis, it’s a lot easier to look at yourself when you can see the full picture and be properly honest.

Plus, masking is exhausting, even when it’s subconscious. Learning about ADHD got me to learn some things I’d been painfully masking without being completely aware. There’s a lot of programming in me that feels natural, but it’s just a reaction to how things “should” be done that really don’t need to be there.

So yeah, I really appreciate the comment, and I think I’ll probably find a lot of commonalities in your journey :)