I fell for someone who lives in a different country. We met while he was passing through mine, and then he later changed some of his travel plans to come back and see me again.
We saw each other every single day for over a month, he met most of my friends, we went on trips together and overall he was very loving and did all kinds of things that made me feel like we had something that could last beyond a fling. He told me he would be back again.
His feelings changed not long after he went back home, and he only admitted it to me once I confronted him after noticing him become more and more distant over 2 months. He said he found it hard to stay emotionally invested in someone so far away.
I get that long distance is hard and that people’s feelings change. I just didn’t think he’d lose feelings for me so easily. It hurts more than ending a relationship that has slowly burned out over time, because I just can’t make sense of how quickly this happened. And I think a large part of why I got so attached is because I very rarely meet guys I’m genuinely interested in, let alone ones that treat me well.
Have any of you gone through something similar? If so, how did you cope with it? Was there anything that made it easier to accept, or do I just need to let time do its thing? I have a bunch of important things to finish this week and have already lost so much time crying lol.
Your words are so compassionate and matter-of-fact at the same time, and I think that’s just what I needed. It’s truly appreciated, thank you <3
It’s my pleasure. I have been there and I empathize. Everything I’ve said is all the things I believe and live by. I’m one of those people that wants to be helpful and productive, so not being productive is somewhat foreign to me, but I’ve also been heartbroken, burned out, and tired beyond what is reasonable, to the point of being incapable of helping anyone or being productive, so I get it.
I’m going through burnout right now, and I’m mentally incapable of being productive most of the time and when I can get something done, it’s a fat cry from the amount I’d like to be productive, or how much I’m normally able to do, and I’m struggling. My challenge is different than yours, and, at the risk of sounding like I’m bragging (I definitely do not intend to brag), I’m lucky to have found someone who supports me, loves me, and has been with me throughout the process. My point there is that I’m very specific about the people I care about and let into my life. It took me nearly 20 years of searching before I found my SO, so don’t give up. I’ve had a lot of one-off “flings” and less-than year long relationships in three pursuit of a suitable life partner, and it was hard; but in the end, it paid off.
Don’t give up. Don’t settle, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Decide what factors are important to you in a person, which ones demonstrate a character that you appreciate and will be compatible with, and continue your search when you are ready to do so. I had extensive criteria before getting into this relationship and my partner easily, without knowing it, and without effort, demonstrated every trait I was looking for, without my having to “test” them in any way, and without me having to ask any questions. They showed me who they are and I saw that they were far and above the minimum standard I set for someone to be my partner. It’s important to have them live up to your expectations, not just for you to live up to theirs. Be fair, find compromise, but never settle.
The best advice I can give you for your future search, when you are ready for it, is that it’s more important to agree on principles, than it is to have shared interests. To demonstrate this from an easy example, if one individual in a relationship likes nice things, but the other is very thrifty and buys whatever is inexpensive, often ending up with a Hodge Podge of mismatched things (but they were a bargain)… Then that relationship is doomed from the get go. Anytime the person who likes nice things buys anything, the thrifty one will question why they spent so much, and anytime the thrifty one brings home an absolute bargain, the one that likes nice things, will be appalled at how “cheap” it is, this will serve to breed resentment and essentially sabotage the relationship in the long run. Everything from political beliefs, religion, frugalness, generosity… Among so many others, all dictate our decisions and actions. If you can find someone riding the same train of logic and reason as you are, you’re set, regardless of your jobs, or personal interests.