CW desire to be dead!
Recently, there was another one of those tweets that was truly not intended in the direction I gave it in my mind: The right-winger is outraged that, according to a media report, not even 50 percent of young people in Germany would be willing to defend their country in times of need and threat. Response of the Left: What am I supposed to defend, please? What difference does it make to me whether I pay my rent to the German conglomerate or to the Russian oligarch?
And here I was very quickly at my reflections on the society with which I actually do not want to share a planet, a life. When I read articles for outsiders about ‘what’s going on inside of a depressive head’, I often read that these people like me generally do not want to stop living - they just don’t want to live in their current situation anymore. Yes, to the end it is true somewhere: In a society in which we work together to save the climate, compete on how we can put an end to hunger and bad working conditions once and for all, and help to ensure that those who come after us will have a better, simply a good life, less work, no more harm to animals and weakened people – yes – in this utopia, and occasionally in some novels, there is this community that I recognize is worth defending.
Back to the here and now? Homo homini lupus. Our finance minister has just called for more overtime at work to save ‘our’ ‘prosperity’ in this dire situation. Our head of state is philosophizing about introducing a ‘service year’ for young people to give something back to ‘our’ society in life. The majority of the over-aged society is enthusiastic and I don’t understand why this duty doesn’t exist rather for last-, than for first-time voters. Marriages, family homes and whether to live with 1, 2 or 3 children in the future? All these worries are passé for last voters - I think if, then 68 would be a good age to ‘give something back to society’.
The psychologist is so fond of asking why I didn’t seek support sooner with my ‘negative thoughts’. I gladly provide many explanations, but none of them satisfies either of us. The less we beat around the bush, the less my answers satisfy him.
And the further I spin this thought today, the more likely I am to come out with more questions that others have in a different context: What am I supposed to defend here, please? What fight am I supposed to be fighting? My doubt about existence is not based on the longing to escape a situation I’m in, but to escape human society as a whole. Staying to do others a favor by doing so? Working so as not to let the overall work of society collapse? The psychologist may not be able to hear me moaning anymore - others have real problems, I agree with him – I just can’t see our, the human society anymore. And there I really do not see how he, how anyone could help.
Our goverment is currently thinking about how they can make it more difficult for people who want to pass away, to ‚easily‘ pass away. A misunderstanding, for my part. I don’t want to run away from something, I just don’t see any reason at all far and wide as my horizon goes, to stay.