Maybe this is the wrong place to ask questions about how to be a good parent for adult kids, as I see a lot of questions here are regarding young kids, but I figured I’d ask here.
Long story short, I just got out of prison last year. I was in my son’s life for his first 5 years, then I fucked up and got sent away. His mom went no contact with me then. A few years before I got out, I got a letter from my now-adult kid wanting to reconnect.
I am out now, but I just have no idea what I’m doing where he is concerned. He wants a father in his life, but I don’t know how to be that person for him. It has been difficult to transition back to the ‘real world’ and I don’t want to fuck up what little relationship we have.
He says he just wants to hang out, but like I don’t even know what to say to him or talk about with him. Most of the time he does all the talking and I just listen but I’m worried that’s not enough and that I should contribute to the conversation more, but I don’t know what to say.
I never had a father figure in my life growing up, so I don’t really have anyone in real life to ask (plus it’s embarassing and I prefer the anonymity of the internet).
I have no intention of trying to ‘parent’ him, and I know I’m not role-model material, but he wants to hang out and I feel like every time it’s very awkward and weird (we hung out 3-4 times since I got out). Should I just treat him like I would anyone I hang out with (friends, brother/sister), or do you think he is expecting something else, and what even would that be?
As the son of a parent who sucks at conversations, we just want you to show interest. Listen to what he’s been taking about. Show interest in his hobbies. Remember the names of the people he’s been talking about, and ask how they are, or what they’ve been up to. Ask about his career. Or his dreams and aspirations. Tell him stories about you. Tell him about your life.
He wants to be a part of your life. You need to open up and be welcoming and comfortable to be around. Go out and do things with him. Make new memories. Don’t just sit there and be present. It sounds like your son is trying so hard to connect with you. Do not let this slip through your fingers. You have an opportunity to regain a relationship. How badly do you want this?
Thank you for your perspective, it is very helpful. I know just sitting there isn’t enough, which is why I asked for advice here. I am just not a big talker and I don’t want to him think I’m not interested in him because I am and I want to be present in his life. I will try to plan to do something together with him instead of just sitting around.
This is the advice i would take. You just need to get to know him. Once you break that ice and have something you share together, youll probably find things flow a lot easier. Sounds like he’s keen to know his dad. Hes making the effort. You got this!!
Some suggestions to start creating those memories together. Outdoor Adventure: Plan a hiking or camping trip together. It provides an opportunity for bonding in a natural setting.
Sports or Exercise: Engage in a sport or workout routine together. It promotes a healthy lifestyle and fosters teamwork.
DIY Project: Start a home improvement or craft project. Working together towards a goal can strengthen your connection.
Gaming Night: Play video or board games together. It’s a casual and enjoyable way to spend quality time.
Road Trip: Plan a road trip to explore new places. The shared experience of travel can create lasting memories.
Movie Marathon: Pick a movie series or a theme and have a movie marathon night. It’s a relaxed way to enjoy each other’s company.
Goal Setting: Discuss personal goals and aspirations. Supporting each other’s ambitions can strengthen the parent-child relationship.
Memory makers: Theme parks, bowling… Depending on age, clay pigeon shooting, archery, paintball (team up), minigolf, gokarting, escape rooms… Bike ride, board game night…
Just a few ideas. I hope it works out for you!!
These are all good ideas, thank you for posting them. I will try some of these out.