Wow. Thanks for sharing!

I can empathize somewhat with that. I served in the U.S. Navy on a submarine(which was all-male at the time). Not ideal considering that I was a closeted trans woman. I only really enlisted because I desperately needed independence from my parents. But, yes, there was an entrenched macho culture there, and I had to hide enormous portions of my personality. Being autistic and trans, I am used to having to mask things to fit in, but I nearly hit a breaking point a few times. I spent six months on a deployment to the Middle East in which 90% of the time I was living on the boat 24/7, not getting to be myself except in my dreams. That plus the whole “never getting to see the sun” thing did a number on me. I am so glad that’s over, and I am so glad I decided to get over my fear and transition.

I think labels can be used situationally. Like if you were going to a social group for non-binary folk, the label “non-binary” could be one of solidarity and community. However, identifying as non-binary in the workplace would likely feel very different.

There’s a line that I like about statistical models that feels like it also applies to labels:

“All models are wrong, some are useful” - George Box

Non-binary doesn’t have to be the right label for you for it to be a useful label in understanding yourself and how you would like to relate to the world.

It sounds like you’re doing better than you were, and I hope you continue to grow in strength and wellness, and I wish you a future full of people who cherish your existence.

I had a similar problem with my ex gf, but I’m a student that can’t work rn. She always wanted me to understand her problems and be there for her, but the opposite was non-existent. I could not complain, talk about my problems or even our problems because the conversation became a competition of who was worse, then she started talking about how men should be treating women and how I should put more emphasis in giving her all kind of details and pay for everything when she did nothing. I told her that generating money was the lower point on my list because I was struggling with my grades and needed to recover after a semester I took for my mental health.

Everything went downhill, all our conversations where about me not doing enough, the historical debt and how I should be doing things men do, even after I told her I was non-binary. That relationship affected my mental health A LOT, and it ended when she became an early stage physically abusive relation.

It took me some months to finally adopt the term, but I now carry it with pride and I always repeat that even if I use all pronouns, only being called he/him is something that needs to change.