This is a bit of a vent because I don’t feel comfortable talking about this in literally any other virtual or physical space. I hope that’s ok.
I’m a 28 y/o cis woman in a straight relationship.
When I was 14 I once confided to someone that I thought I was bi. A couple of years later she brings it up in a group setting an I was adamant that conversation never happened and that I was 100% straight.
I grew up in an immigrant community and while unspoken it was always clear to me that there would be hell to pay if I was bi. My parents were already abusive and neglectful and it was hard enough to survive in that environment as is… I was always conscious of not wanting to make that even harder.
And because I was also attracted to men I guess it felt easy enough for me to ignore my attraction to women.
Even in uni I would make out with girls and stuff and my mental dissonance was like “oh, all girls are like that.”
I’m super happy that kids these days are more comfortable being queer but as that happened around me it became clear to me that… Oh, shit, I’m bi.
And it just upsets me? Like I’m in a loving straight relationship. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I’m going to marry him in a couple of years. I don’t have the opportunity to explore my bisexuality because that boat has sailed.
And I don’t feel comfortable “coming out”. I have this vague guilt that I’ve lived my entire life with straight privilege and still do, being in a straight relationship. I feel like if I came out I’d be virtue signalling and taking oxygen from people who are “actually queer”. I’m worried people won’t believe me, because I spent 15 years not believing myself.
In terms of things in my life that cause me distress this is not the biggest one (I have C-PTSD, MDD, GAD, and am still not sure I’ll survive to my 30s).
But I just feel like I’m stuck being a straight woman, and it’s just something about myself that I’ll never get to be authentic about. And it sucks and it hurts. And I’m ashamed to tell anyone because I’m afraid neither straight nor queer spaces will believe/accept me.
Like others have said a lot of what you’re feeling may be internalized biphobia. Went through the same thing too personally. But here’s something I realized that I keep in mind that helped put things into perspective: as a bi person your dating pool will always skew towards a “straight” passing one because they’re are simply more straight and bi people of the opposite gender or other genders than bi and gay folks of your gender. That’s just how the math works out. So statistically the average bi experience is a “straight” relationship from a shallow outsider perspective, but that doesn’t change you, your partner, or yalls sexuality at all.
Being Bi is also not defined by enjoying your whole range of attraction simultaneously. There’s a lot of things we all would like to do but realize realistically we just won’t be able to, and that’s okay. I love space but I know I’ll never be an astronaut and go there, yet that doesn’t make my desire to see the stars any less real and valid.
Random but you should check out the podcast “sawbones” or “still buffering.” Sydnee McElroy (who’s in both of them) is also bi and married to a man with kids. She’s really cool and a great illustration of a public figure who is out as bi and also in a monogamous, heteronornative relationship. It might help you too listen to someone in a similar situation to yourself!
This is literally the episode she comes out as bi on https://maximumfun.org/episodes/still-buffering/still-buffering-how-pride-now-50-teens/
Also sawbones is just the absolute best podcast. You can’t go wrong with it.
This is a beautiful point about the numbers involved here