I remember I’d had a lot of thoughts in my late teens and throughout my 20s that I “might be some kind of queer, IDK,” but 1) I had no idea what options there actually were to act on such thoughts, and 2) I’d been raised in a highly isolating and abusive situation by an extremely controlling religious parent, which left me with a lot of hangups about how I “should” live my life and who I “should” be. It was like I’d have thoughts, and sometimes even try to entertain them, but a little cop in my head would always be there with his beatstick to hammer those thoughts down and shove them down the appropriate memory holes.

First time I smoked weed (in my mid-twenties; incidentally, a few months after I’d first actually tried alcohol as well since I was trying to be less of a stick-in-the-mud and expand my horizons), it was like the weed told that cop to just go on break for a nice long while, and I could finally observe and accept my thoughts for what they were.

I wouldn’t smoke weed again for a few years, but the experience of my thoughts being that free stuck with me in the months to come. A year later, in the midst of a period of intense depression, I had resolved to seek out hormone therapy and begin my journey of gender transition. That’s not the only way in which I started embracing my true self (I realized a lot about my own values and what I want in life generally), but this thread is about realizations of queerness, so I’m focusing on that.

Weed didn’t give me the thoughts in the first place, but it helped me see how I could allow myself to have them, and to explore them, and that the world wouldn’t end if I did.

Just finished reading through it together, what an excellent resource. I especially liked and appreciated the explanations of gender euphoria and how it relates to gender dysphoria, one of the most thoughtful and clear articulations I’ve seen.

Wow, that link is something I wish I had when I was starting out 6 or so years ago. Reading through it with my partner right now, it does a great job of succinctly but comprehensively consolidating so many things that we had to pick up in bits and pieces over time.

Never got a chance to see it before it burned, but have driven alongside it a couple times since (it’s right on BC Hwy 1). You’d be able to look down from the highway and see the whole thing, except that it’s cordoned off with slatted chainlink fence. What little I could see while driving by and peeking in the cracks was surreal.