Just cut my hair today. Also recorded a small series chronicling my vegetable garden and homesteading progress…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZe4GCHnM9w

The goal will be to become fully self sufficient in food production, and save as much money as possible. Discuss cost of living, how to grocery shop, etc. I do not intend to make money off of YouTube

Was having a fantastic day today. Then my mum came home from work sulking, because I left a fry pan soaking in the sink.

I did make the offer to move out multiple times, but she said to me she could never handle living alone, and doesn’t want me to go.

I now have to be a therapist, fitness trainer, and support worker for my mum. This is about as absurd as my life is ever going to get - but I’m up for the challenge. I am ready to rebel against the absurd.

Now that I’ve conquered my chronic fatigue - I am ready to become a Superhero, and a Machine. Just fix everything wrong with this world, through sheer strength of the Will.

Looks like the rainy days (weeks?) are over, at least here in the Waikato.

We’ve had the landscaper and builder come over to do our garden. Lots of planting, weeding and eating still to be done. Going to invest in some ‘beautiful’ concrete containers to grow my second round of potatoes in, because my mum won’t allow me to grow them in ‘ugly’ plastic barrels. I suppose she does have a point - considering how ugly the modern world has become, in our pursuit of efficiency and economics. If only she took the same militant stance against car-centric cities, and modern architecture… then maybe we would finally agree on something.

We’ve met so many of our neighbours, and their friends, after my stepdad passed away. Going to start vlogging and documenting my homesteading/urban farming progress on YouTube - and then later this year also getting started with my fibreglass boat-building journey.

First time drinking Kava this week. Ordered a whole kg of Vanuatu Kava from TradeMe - it’s good stuff.

Out of all the ‘sedatives’ I’ve tried, such as alcohol and cannabis - Kava produces the best sleep, by far. Without a hangover the next day. Even seems to have anti-depressant qualities. Liver damage can be a concern for heavy users - but that’s usually because they mix it with alcohol.

Been to Hamilton today with my mum. Ordered some sushi, and passionfruit bubble tea. Had an episode of existential dread while sucking on the little bubbles at the bottom of my cup…

Now that I realize it - the best years of my life were the times that I spent playing video games, and nerding around on Discord servers, in my 20s. It’s only now that I decided to cut down on my social media usage, that I’m having an identity crisis, and sort of wondering what to do with my life. I’ve seen the rise and fall of people like Boogie2988, Nikko Avocado, Andrew Tate, Logan Paul, etc. and it sort of spooked me just how anti-social people can become when they spend too much time online, immersed in internet culture.

It’s a catch 22, but oh well? I’m only 30. I can still salvage what little youth I have left…

There’s also free AI tools you can use online to automatically cut out people or objects from backgrounds. Saves heaps of time

Yes. Love Louis Rossmann, and Linux.

Just replaced my Note 5 phone battery, though I have to buy a new back cover, because it cracked while I was heating up the glue with my hair dryer. Only $7 from China, anyway - and I get to choose a new color.

Aliexpress!

Woke up at 7am with barely any rest, due to nightmares about being in hospital and having a heart attack.

“I should drink caffeine again. None of this decaf crap is doing me any good!” I thought to myself. So I went to the cupboard, and made myself a strong coffee to break my sobriety with. Next thing I know, far from keeping me awake and alert - I fell asleep so deeply - that I woke up at 11:45am all disoriented, seeing fractals and visuals.

Needless to say, I have Health Anxiety. It’s really just a fear of death, at the end of the day. I know that therapy and medication won’t help me, as it’ll just cause me to become obsessed with medication side-effects. The only thing that will help me is to accept death, and live every single day as if it were my last. Chase after my goals and aspirations like a ram-raider. Hurry up and live my life, and live it Fast - because my mind is still drenched in fear, excuses and procrastination. I’ve got 1 year worth of food, and technically 30 years worth of my prescription meds. I could survive a nuclear war, if I needed to. So cost of living is no excuse, either. (I might need a new passport, though…)

Enjoying the sunshine while it lasts. More rain seems to be on its way… despite the fact that we were promised a ‘dry summer’. I’m thinking about just ditching my sneakers, and wearing gumboots, or waterproof rubber shoes.

I have more kale than I can eat in the backyard. Probably saved myself $50 already, and it’s only been a few weeks. Next time I’ll probably set aside the big patch for potatoes only - and then keep the kale and spinach in small containers. Eat air-fried potato chips all year round.

Been also doing a bit of reading on Anti-civ philosophy lately, though it’s hard to imagine that we live in a civilization, let alone a society, when we barely even know the names of our neighbours.

Nobody living in an industrial society would ever wake up every morning thinking: ““Oh wow! I am part of this miraculous organization that enables me to have medical care, computer chips, clean running water, air conditioning and heating! Maybe I should think carefully about how my decisions impact the lives of my neighbours, so they can be just as happy as I am! I’m so glad I have a job!””.

Rather - most of us live our lives on autopilot. We vote on autopilot. We spend on autopilot. We hardly give anything much of a thought. And it’s only during times of crisis and hardship that we take a step back and reflect on ourselves. And then of course there’s Ozempic, anti-depressants, McDonald’s, KFC, etc. Not to mention the ecological disasters we’re facing. It makes me wonder if maybe it would be better for civilization to slowly fade away, or scale down significantly. It might just happen on its own, with the way things are going.

Yes. I actually just ordered a replacement battery for my Samsung Galaxy Note 5. Luckily it’s only a matter of lifting a ribbon cable.

I think it’s easier to fix electronics, than it is to fix simpler items like socks, shirts, pants, coffee cups, shoes, etc. Probably because the latter are designed to be disposable these days.

Gave my speech at my stepdad’s funeral today - and then we got invited by his brother to the Zealong Tea Estate, back in Hamilton.

They had these newspaper cutouts on the wall showing all the celebrities who had visited the place before - including John Key, King Charles, Chinese president Xi Jinping, and many others.

I think I did a good job passing myself off as an upper class individual. Had to wear my mum’s clothes, because all I really have is a hoodie, and some sweatpants. The tea was awesome. Stretched that expensive little tea bag as much as I could, by pouring myself up to 4 cups.

We came back to Otorohanga, looking for a pub. Tried the local Working Man’s Club - but unfortunately, you couldn’t order anything without being a member. There was not a single young face to be seen. Thirsty Weta tends to have slightly more young people, but they usually come with their parents for dinner and special occasions. The Loneliness seems to haunt me everywhere I go… but it doesn’t really bother me anymore. Every generation has its own wars, famines and struggles. Mine just happens to be a spiritual famine, and that’s ok. I’ll be a’ight

People’s beliefs are intrinsically linked to personal Identity, and can therefore almost never be rational.

Then again: ‘reason’ itself does not exist. Sure, there’s game theory, science, the scientific method and all that - but science is usually only followed when there’s something to be gained economically, or strategically. And game theory also cannot account for irrational behavior.

Most of the time, people just follow their gut feelings, and do whatever feels right. So it helps to have a sense of humor when debating politics.

Struggling with insomnia and panic attacks again, though I’m the process of quitting caffeine to deal with anxiety for good.

We went to the Hamilton Cementery today, just to see if my photo collage with my stepdad’s pictures was working. I have to render it again due to it having the wrong aspect ratio for the projector.

I ordered some Domino’s pizza on the phone, on our way back to Otorohanga. They charged me $24 for what used to always be a regular-sized pizza, and some fries on the side. I thought I’d at least be some restaurant-quality dish - but it’s just a bunch of bread with vegetables, cheese and sauce slapped onto it?

sigh I’m so tired of being broke. At least I can finally start work on my 34ft catamaran, now that my timber has arrived. I don’t want to be here anymore. Give me a warm tropical paradise to anchor at. Catch anchovies and sardines all day. Order my medication online in bulk. The further from here, the better.

Busy week as of late. Me, my mum and her friends are in the process of organizing the funeral for my stepdad.

My parents used to go on and on about how awesome Insurance is, and why I should get it - but it turns out, we didn’t get a single penny worth of support from any insurance company, due to my dad’s health conditions. We have to ask WINZ to help cover some of the cost of the funeral.

My mum now has $350,000 left to pay on her mortgage (plus $720,000 interest), and is the sole breadwinner in the family. There’s a fair chance that I may not ever even inherit my parent’s home, even if I lose them both. The whole thing was a mirage - and I’ve never felt more radicalized in my whole life than I do now.

It’s a bit of a glass half full vs. half empty / chicken vs. the egg sort of thing.

If one [believes that one lacks free will], one will behave in an entirely different manner compared to believing that one [does have free will]. So the belief in free will, or lack thereof, will ironically have a massive impact on the course of our lives.

Rough day today. Stepdad has just passed away, early this morning.

Just as my life was at a crossroad - I now have to re-write some of my plans all over again, in order to help my mum cope with the loneliness.

Time to look into becoming a foster parent. Being granted the living space and the opportunity to teach children to be stronger, healthier, less selfish and less materialistic - would be the only light at the end of this tunnel - especially in the light of rising mortgages, costs of living and global temperature.

My carefree days are over. Today I’m an adult - tomorrow I’ll be a parent, a leader, and then hopefully one day - a politician. No more junkfood, no more caffeine, no more energy drinks, certainly no more booze, and no more mindless scrolling. Bootcamp lifestyle.

Hot day today. Tuis screeching out in the garden, and my Kale has already bolted. Bummer - It’s only the first half of spring… but I don’t mind.

My stepdad has just been carried away by St. John’s, after having a fall yesterday. He was too stubborn to go to the hospital at first. Spent the night keeping an eye on him in the living room, then went back to bed at 7am, just before the ambulance arrived. Awful as it sounds, this means that my mum is finally allowed some time off work, and we can watch movies together.

Now that I see it - life is really short, and really dangerous. I’ve thought about testing my boat hulls out by the local Waipa river, and sailing them all the way to Port Waikato, to save money on hauling expenses. Or hooking it up to an autonomous navigation system, and controlling it using 4G or 5G mobile internet. No more excuses this time - you only live once!

I love the sound of tuis on a hot spring morning

Gonna go pick up some timber from Mitre10 on my e-bike. Might as well…

Been having a few sleepless nights, thinking about how I’m going to moor my sailboat, if I’m going to be declined my application for a mooring, or whether or not I’ll even be allowed to rent one to begin with.

In a worst case scenario - I might have to sell all of my belongings, put the money in Bitcoin, and move to a third world country. This should at least put my mind to rest. It’s one thing if I’ll never own a house - but if I can’t even build my own boat, then that’ll be the last straw. I refuse to live in a country where the only ‘freedom’ you have is coming back home from work, scrolling social media, and watching Netflix - and everything else is either too expensive, or too illegal.

I suppose I’m more of a Pessimist, and an Ethical Utilitarian.

Nihilism to me makes sense from a material point of view. But as soon as one puts one’s hand on a burning stove - all of the sudden, things get real. And things become too important to ignore.

I could agree that it’s ultimately people themselves (and all living creatures) who decide what is meaningful, and what isn’t. In that sense, the very baseline of reality is nihilistic. Yet the pursuit of happiness and wellbeing, and the avoidance of unnecessary suffering, seems to be a universal value system that people default to.