I do, most of the time. I’ve always felt creative, I always have thousands of ideas and concepts for anything, be it a drawing, a song or a text of any kind, but regardless of what it is, anytime I sit down and try to make something I hate it, I hate it so deeply it disgusts me and kills any will to continue whatever it is I’m doing.
I tried to write some lyrics some days ago, it felt okay-ish until I wnt back and read it, at which point it feelt as if I was seeing someone else in the mirror: all the things, the ideas, the feelings I thought I put in it just aren’t there. It feels hollow, alien, repulsive.
I know I can’t be good as a beginner, but I’ve been a beginner in everything since I was a kid. And I kept trying and trying and trying, and every time I felt that feeling of disgust and repulsion, outrage even. I just can’t stand it anymore, and maybe “art”, or rather artistic self-expression, isn’t my thing? Maybe I keep trying to open a door that simply isn’t the one I’m supposed to open?
Did you ever feel this way and overcame it? I don’t even care about making whatever I make public, I just want to feel as if I gave shape to something I thought or felt.
Creating art gave me anxiety. I think it always did because I’ve always been nervous about it being good enough. I’ve taken so many hiatuses from making art. I thought it would be something I’d do as a career.
But I’ve finally accepted the fact that art stresses me out and I don’t want to do that on a daily basis. So I’ve pivoted towards programming instead. It was something I’ve done since I was a teenager and felt more at ease with. But a number of factors kept me from pursuing it early on.
I haven’t overcame my art anxiety. To be fair, my realizations and acceptance were recent so I haven’t had time to go through the process anyway. More focused on building out my programming profession at the moment.