I’ve been identifying as ace for 10 years at this point, and I have always for the most part been completely fine with it. But recently I’ve been feeling very lonely. I can’t quite vibe with the “I don’t need nobody 😎” ace meme energy anymore as I mostly just feel sad about it. The worst part is that I’d rather “date” or whatever ace-date, qpr, I don’t know, another woman, but I don’t really have options because I live in a small town. It’s kinda been wearing me down :(
Also, I got a little lesbian flag colour sticker recently and I feel like an impostor. Though I am bambi lesbian I think? But still…
no need to feel like an impostor. you could be homoromantic asexual. or if you’re also on the aro spectrum, oriented aroace (where tertiary attractions are relevant enough to be considered part of their orientation) could apply.
even if you’re not on the end of the ace spectrum, like gray or demisexual, you still belong in this community. and if you ever turn out to be not aspec anymore in the future, i’m sure you’d still be welcome here.
you are what you are, and that’s valid. you don’t need to prove your place here.
and feeling lonely/sad because you don’t have anyone is no reason to be excluded, either. some aces (and aros) have no problem being alone. some crave a relationship of some kind. some are actively avoiding it, because “ew, relationships”.
the ace spectrum is just as diverse as humanity itself, we just have the little difference of not (or conditionally, or rarely) experiencing sexual attraction. that says NOTHING about our opinions or how we interface with the (lack of) feelings
This is a more elegant and specific way of saying what I was trying to say. Thank you for putting it so well 💙
Wonderfully stated.
The other comments already mentioned this, but I’ll just reiterate myself…
Ace doesn’t mean being a lone wolf. The only thing it really means is that you experience little to no sexual attraction. You could still be heteromantic, homoromantic, or somewhere in between. For example I’m heteromantic ace. I’m in a “normal-passing” relationship. I have a bf that I’ve been together with for almost 10 years now. No one would know if they didn’t truly know me; and truthfully, no one knows me that well anyway.
It’s tough being an ace in the dating pool, I get it. Your own dating pool seems so slim. But even if you don’t find another ace to date, that’s okay. And not only that but there’s also a spectrum of gray ace to explore too.
What you explained in your original post makes me think that there was a slight consideration of aro instead. Aromatic is something a bit different but nevertheless important to understand as well.
Good luck.
I don’t really understand the “slight consideration of aro instead” but I’ll say anyways. I know I’ve never fallen in love but I want to share my life with someone… preferably a woman (or I guess enby). It’s not that I have something against men per se but… it’s difficult for me to often connect with them on a deeper level especially since there is no attraction on my part.
Also thanks.
I’m in a sorta similar sitch. Ace guy, out for ~8-9 years, but also identifying as gay. Currently in process of exiting an 8 year marriage with a now out lesbian, and she’s having her actually very awesome girlfriend move in next month. Big enough house for all of us to coexist as roommates (they were roommates…), but while not feeling pressure to date, I feel like it’s the next logical step even though the drive isn’t quite there. I don’t think I consider myself aromantic, but I’ve also been in this faux relationship for so long that maybe I need to take a breather, and collect myself.
I know much of that was a ramble, but here to talk and realize there are more of us out there. The struggle is real, and I’m glad to see at least one other human here dealing with something I felt so alone with. Definitely having the imposter syndrome bit too, but I think a lot of that stems from upbringing and comphet.
I’m afraid I’m not ace, but I have both immediate family who are ace and very good friends who are also.
All of these things are a spectrum, and people can change on those spectra over time. That neither invalidates one’s identity in the past nor does it invalidate one’s identity in the present or the future.
Think of the classic bi-cycle. Sometimes I’m more into one side of one of the gender and sexuality spectra, other times I’m more into another, sometimes I’m in the middle. It’s like someone drunk and blindfolded wandering along a line, entirely unpredictable.
All this to say, if that’s what you’re feeling, don’t worry about it conflicting with any label you identify with, that is just the weird grey areas of life. For instance my family member identifies as ace, and has a partner who also identifies as ace. They still enjoy each others’ company very much and it doesn’t make them less ace to do so. Hell other very ace friends of mine also have sex, that still doesn’t make them not ace, they just have different drivers for it relative to other friends who identify as allo.
Final point, you are never an imposter in your own identity 💚 You have as much right as any to hold any identity you so choose.
