I know this is such small beans compared to some of the incredible stories denizens of the internet bring us, and I apologize for the length of this wall of text, but I really want to set the picture.
Lets preface this with some context. My wife and I come from a very conservative background, and it took us a long time to be willing to talk about sex with each other, well after marriage. We were that couple that had to discuss whether or not we were allowed to see each other naked on our honeymoon.
We’ve now been married for about 10 years, have done a lot of growth, and have worked through a lot of religious trauma and discomfort with ourselves, our bodies, and the concept of sex.
My wife is asexual, see regardless of our growth we have never done the deed as it were. She is very loving and wants to support my very non-asexual ass, and thought to order a toy for her and a toy for me. To keep the order discreet from our shared residents, she also ordered some trash bags and a few other things.
While ordering from her phone, she says “oh no, Amazon deleted everything from my cart, now I have to find everything again.” She goes through the hassle of finding all the right toys that she spent so much time researching again, puts the order together again, and has the same issue of everything disappearing from her cart. After a few attempts at this, I suggest she try the order from her computer - she does, and everything works properly, order set up, woohoo!
The next morning, I wake up to an absolute wall of email notifications on my phone from Amazon…We inadvertently set up 6 orders of toys and trash bags. We log into Amazon and attempt to cancel the orders, but to no avail. Amazon clearly kept some of these in their local distribution center, because 3 of them showed up at our house that same day, but we had to wait a few days for the rest of them to show up.
Now to shift topics on you for a moment, we were looking to celebrate her birthday with a visit to a little-more-distant-than-usual mall, get all dressed up and call ourselves “mall-rats” for the day. I got all done up with black fingernail polish, chains, hair clips, hearts everywhere - it was a look. We were doing a lot of experimentation on making it look as good as possible, so we had FAR more goodies than we needed to actually pull off this look.
Back to what you’re here for.
Knowing these were neither cheap nor having use for multiple, we begrudgingly used the only amazon return option available to us - in person, at a store that takes amazon returns. We joked that whoever processed the return would (hopefully) find it hilarious and laugh about it later with their coworkers. But oh how that was not meant to be.
Walking into the store, the return counter is front and center. We expected to see some teen who’s making way too little to see way too much, but of course, it was an older lady; the type who clearly had no love for her job nor people. Now okay…grannies have seen some stuff, so this is fine, we get in line… Behind a mother and her 3 children. Because of course.
Our turn comes, we pull up our little QR code, and “CUNNILINGUS VIBRATOR” in bold letters pops up. The disgust was palatable. In that moment this woman disowned us on our mothers’ behalf. One by one, we pull out the merchandise: toy after toy after toy, break for two packs of pink chains and then heart shaped carabiners (from the mall day), another toy, another toy… And topping it all off with two hundred and forty trash bags that got mixed up in the order. The range of awkward emotions happening here were wild - the mother trying to call her children to the other side of her so they wouldn’t see, my poor wife uncomfortable with the sight of everything put together, and a manager getting involved only to immediately wish she hadn’t after the QR code decided NOT TO WORK. My moronic brain didn’t help anything, just trying to make light of the situation and the only thing that I could come up with was “everyone cancelled last minute on the orgy.”
We will never use the 20% discount for that store for doing an Amazon return there…
TL;DR:
Amazon app triple ordered us a whopping nine sex toys and after having to return them via Kohl’s amazon return service I’m too embarrassed to even utilize my consolation prize of a 20% store discount
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“The disgust was palatable.”
So you enjoyed it? Where’s r/boneappletea when you need it. (The word is palpable)
Hahaha, I knew I should have trusted that sketchy autocorrect software
Let’s make it!
I love how our brains feel like they absolutely have to say something when the best course of action is silence.
However, in your case, I wish I could have been there to see the reactions.
What was the point in returning the trash bags? Its not like they go bad and you would have used them eventually?
Hah! That’s a very fair question. We bought A LOT of bags, like I don’t know if I’d use that many in my lifetime, I’d rather have my money back. It’s also because we’re moving out of country in the next 4 months, and that’s a lot of weight to have to ship over when I can just get a refund
Ah fair point then. Funny story though
Because it was funny?
Most customer service people could care less what you buy or return
Having worked in customer service, that’s what I’d expected, but this lady clearly had some thoughts and she made it visible, and really, that’s what made it the most awkward
I was all good until the trash bags were added to the return and then I lost it. The implications presented to this lady who was already judging your life choices freaking broke me.
