WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.
Man I hate to even joke about this but
I’m offended
She has that trashy trailer park look that I am ashamed to say is appealing. But im just so offended by her actions…
You mean the 1 really hot chick of the trailer park that made all the other girls look like nothing compared to her, but she was maybe like a 6 in the rest of the world?
Obligatory Flight of the Conchords:
Yeah
Looking 'round the room I can tell that you Are the most beautiful girl in the room In the whole wide room (ooh)
And when you’re on the street Depending on the street I bet you are definitely in the top three
“you’re a legend, Dave”
If you’ve ever been to Rifle, Colorado, you’d realize your theory is close than you think. But I’d go 5, not 6…
FYI: Rifle is the unkempt armpit of the Western Slope.
I’m from Georgia. Grew up around too many examples. They always think really highly of themselves too.
I used to work around the pipelines between Rifle and Grand Junction. Ate at her restaurant once. So much of that experience screams armpit.
Yea, you know, attainable.
She’s a 6?
Ikr
This is exactly what it is. She’s right at that inflection point of approachability.
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She’s not your mom. Go for it.
She’s a grandmother, but she’s not your grandmother.
That’s poop knife and broken arms. I’m cumbox and double dick dude away from bingo.
All I need is jumper cables and a jolly rancher.
Stay away from Colby.
I’m just upset I don’t live in Colorado. She sucks, but I bet she does it good.
The offer was for a handjob, actually.
Meh, well I’ll take what I can get.
Is this where the line starts?
For coke and Bojobs!
You’d probably be the first person to get chlamydia from a hand job
Nah she jerked off tons of dudes.
I would be the 300th dude she gave chlamydia
That’s why she’s going to wear gloves, to protect you not her.