I’ve been crying almost daily for a year now, while trying my ass off to keep a stiff upper lip. I’ve been desperately hanging on to the standard justifications (maybe tomorrow it’ll be better, can’t let them win, this will pass, won’t rain forever, etc., etc.) out of sheer inertia, but I honestly can’t say that I believe any of them.

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out which way to take it in life, what to do with myself, but all I feel is the walls closing in. And they’re suffocating me. The world is a fucking mess, my life is a fucking mess, I’m completely alone save for a couple of acquaintances with whom I have no true relationship, my close family is entirely dead (which, if I’m being perfectly honest, isn’t all that different than when they were alive, except I’ve been grieving the death of my mother for five years now and it doesn’t seem to end), and I’m getting old.

There is nothing which makes me want to wake up in the morning anymore. There is nothing to get me excited anymore. There is nothing to look forward to. And I don’t think I’m depressed, because depression felt like letting myself sink in lukewarm tar. This feels like a desperate, rabid sadness, like my soul wants to shred my skin off and just howl itself apart. I can feel my innards wanting to live, truly live, to experience at least some satisfaction, some sort of enjoyment, but I don’t know what I could do to get there.

I used to love being creative, but now it’s as though that pipeline got clogged up with rotten socks. I used to love interacting with animals, but all I conclude when thinking about getting a dog is that it would be unfair to that poor creature to have it bunk up with my despondent ass. I used to love hanging out with friends, but all of my friends turned out to be people who were only looking out for themselves. I used to love my country, but there’s nothing left to love around here anymore. I used to be fascinated by nature, now all I see is how little sense it makes and how worse it’s getting due to climate change. I even used to love loving someone, but now I just think about having to go through the process of dating and I’d rather just throw my soul away than have to do that again. I loved smoking weed, now it’s just a waste of money, because I’m just as miserable when stoned. I haven’t felt joy in… I don’t even remember how long, but most definitely not in the past decade…

And I’m so… so fucking tired. I feel more tired than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. And not “I need more sleep” tired, it’s as though I’m one of those old cars abandoned in parking lots, with busted wheels and corroded bodywork, with weeds growing through the upholstery. I don’t feel sick, I feel spent. Utterly spent.

And I don’t think I can do this anymore.

  • partial_accumen@lemmy.worldEnglish
    4·
    3 days ago

    This sounds like you’re describing an “Identity Crisis”. source

    I have no professional expertise. I recommend you reach out to a professional for good guidance. The one thing I can offer is that it sounds like you’ve been someone else for some many other people that you’ve may never been able to explore who you are or who you want to be. If you at this low right now, then perhaps this is the lowest point and, with your actions, it only gets better from here.

    I’m only seeing you from miles away, but you are in my thoughts.

    • latenightnoir@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      11·
      2 days ago

      Oh, yep, been going through it for a decade and a half, believe me…

      I’ve been through the worst of it, though, right after finishing Uni - had a complete system breakdown, fell into a deep depression characterised mainly by self-hatred for about 7 years, but I managed to pull myself out of it, then sought therapy to cement my work and to build upon it. I still don’t have the full picture (and I’m starting to doubt I ever will, as we’re frustratingly dynamic creatures from a psychological standpoint), but I’ve at least identified my ‘core’ aspects and I try to nurture them as much as I can.

      I can sorta’ see who I am, but, as you’ve said, not exactly who I want to be - I’m still trying to reconcile what I’ve understood about myself so far with fitting into the greater context of humanity, but it’s so hard to relate to people who haven’t been through The Suck… Feels like I’m pretty much on my own with this, and it’s… not a happy thought…

      I am window shopping for therapy again, but I wanted to give “swimming on my own for a bit” an honest try beforehand - my previous therapist tried to encourage me to develop more confidence in what and how I think (ironically, the consensus among them was that my thinking isn’t the problem, not having any faith in it is). I want to respect the homework, but I’m done trying to demolish brick walls with my face.

      Thank you so much, it really does mean a lot to me!