By relationships, I mean both platonic and romantic. I’m just doing a bit of soul searching and reflecting on things I’ve done in the past.
For example, I used to get a weird sense of satisfaction by rejecting girls that showed interest in dating me, even though deep down I wanted a relationship and wanted to give them a chance. Not in a cruel way, just in a “sorry I’m not looking for a relationship right now” kind of way.
I also used to sabotage friendships that were forming before I got too close to the person. Sometimes I ghosted people, acted cold around them, or just didn’t go out socially with them. The result was exactly what you’d expect - people just stopped speaking to me and didn’t make an effort anymore, just as I hadn’t with them.
I’ve hurt people that cared about me and can’t figure out whether it’s fear of getting close, fear of showing my vulnerabilities, or something else entirely.
Not a professional, just another meat bag trying to figure his own stuff out. Good job on the introspection. Some times just seeing our own behavior can be difficult. Getting help from a professional is always a good plan. Until then, I would suggest continuing to be mindful of that you do this and make a focused effort to pay attention to the emotions your are feeling when you do these things. Other than that, what are the things you DO want to do? When you you try take these new actions, what are your emotions at these times?
P.S. Being more self aware is a skill. Don’t be surprised if it your not very good at it to start.