By relationships, I mean both platonic and romantic. I’m just doing a bit of soul searching and reflecting on things I’ve done in the past.
For example, I used to get a weird sense of satisfaction by rejecting girls that showed interest in dating me, even though deep down I wanted a relationship and wanted to give them a chance. Not in a cruel way, just in a “sorry I’m not looking for a relationship right now” kind of way.
I also used to sabotage friendships that were forming before I got too close to the person. Sometimes I ghosted people, acted cold around them, or just didn’t go out socially with them. The result was exactly what you’d expect - people just stopped speaking to me and didn’t make an effort anymore, just as I hadn’t with them.
I’ve hurt people that cared about me and can’t figure out whether it’s fear of getting close, fear of showing my vulnerabilities, or something else entirely.
Joy in giving rejection - enjoying power over the situation and pleasure in rejecting their wants. It can also be relief due to the fear of intimacy or vulnerability brought by closeness. You may enjoy being a Dom in consensual control of your partner to a variable degree.
Sabotage of relationships - this can be more complex. This can be fear of being hurt because the people closest to you can hurt you the most or feelings of inadequacy because you snowball feelings of inadequacy with feelings of being a bad friend. Your social needs may be low, but higher than you have and that leaves you disappointed and wanting more.
Talk to a therapist. There are some things you need to work on, your willingness to anonymously ask these questions about yourself is a positive step in the right direction, but it would take very long discussions with an experienced council to navigate your history to find out what is the root problem to address in order for you to be happy with who you are and your relationships with others. I know a therapist is a stranger that you need to be the most vulnerable with and that is scary, but you need to resist the urge to run, they don’t need to actually matter to you but they can help you find the version of yourself that has people that matter to you without pushing them away. Understand them as meaningful to you as strangers on the internet and giving them the vulnerability you need to give them in order to make progress will be easier. Start with discussing how you feel about being vulnerable with them and your relationship with them as a therapist.