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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-09-08 04:02:02+00:00.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ObligationSerious764

WIBTA for calling off my engagement after my fiancee basically said I’m not exciting?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  Aug 29, 2024

I (29M) know this may sound like a huge overreaction on my part, but my head has been ringing ever since this happened

I’ve been engaged to my fiancee (28F) for a few months now. We had dated for just shy of two years prior to that. It would be cliche to say everything was going great, but for the most part it was good. My family really took a liking to her which was also really great

Now I’ve never been the one to think too much about how I’m viewed as a partner, but all of that changed recently. I basically overheard her on the phone, telling her friend that if she wants to ‘‘find the one’’, excitement isn’t important. She basically said ‘’____ (me) isn’t exciting, but he makes me feel safe and that’s when I realized I wanted to settle down with him’’

This hit me kinda hard. Reddit, I’ve read these types of posts before. You know, the whole ‘‘she goes for bad boys then settles with a safe shmuck’’ type of thing. But I don’t think that’s what she meant, so the day after I just straight up told her that I overheard her talking about me and that I don’t understand what she meant by not finding my exciting

She then told me that it’s true that she doesn’t find me exciting, but that doesn’t matter. I honestly felt very hurt. Maybe my ego is fragile? Idk, but it was a surprise to me because I felt like the way I see myself in my head was colliding with how she sees me, and it made me feel spaced out

I asked her what she means by not finding my exciting, and she didn’t seem to know how to even answer. She could see I was upset and as pathetic as this sounds, I made an excuse to leave and said we’ll talk about it later

Ever since then, my head has been spinning.

I ride motorcycles. I have tattoos. I go to the gym. I do MMA as a hobby. So how is it that I’m not the exciting guy? I’ve always seen myself as being that exciting guy. My ex was basically obsessed with me and constantly made it clear she found me exciting

But mw now fiancee, doesn’t see me as exciting for whatever reason. I was honestly shocked because I felt my sense of self kinda crumble. And what made it worse is I am excited by her. When I see her, I want to rip her clothes off, I want to do things, I think about her

But she seemingly doesn’t see me the same way at all? As crazy as this sounds, I have considered calling off the engagement entirely. Am I being crazy here?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Just_somebody_onhere

I think I get her, and get your take too, and it can just be some definitions here.

Real talk - Your sense of being an exciting man is having a motorcycle, some ink, and going to the gym to wrestle? Your idea of being excited is ripping hr clothes off?

Dude. Gonna buy that convertible when you hit 50, or the newish trend, an all black Jeep with no hard top? 😂 Everything you’ve posted is honestly rather routine and safe….You wear your insecurities like a light up name badge in how you describe yourself, by the way, and don’t even see it about yourself. “I do manly thing I am manly and exciting”, it is kinda funny to see from an outside perspective, probably not funny for you to hear that though.

Exciting guys are the idiots who are unpredictable, truly off the wall, and while fun to be around, aren’t anyone to aspire to be or be with. The guys who keep flipping jobs because they go on “adventures”, who tip toe the line of illegal for funzies, who can turn the happy hour in to a rave…. Exciting, for sure. And doesn’t sound like you. And that is no a bad thing!

Being predictable and safe is a good thing. I’d encourage you to stop overthinking here

OOP

But the thing is, I never saw myself as that safe stable guy. All my exes described me as exciting and clearly saw me that way

It’s the self image I always had of myself

Now I’m suddenly not that guy? I’m gonna have to talk to her more about this but it really feels like the way I view myself has been shattered. Very hard to describe the feeling

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Fire_on_water_kai

NTA for feeling hurt, and your partner did you no favors by not answering the question. Spiraling is going to lead to the end of the relationship for certain.

I wouldn’t call it off just yet. She really needs to explain the whole “exciting” thing. Some women with shitty relationship pasts think exciting is toxic behavior (cheating, disrespect,  etc.), maybe she has kinks, who knows. Your view of excitement is probably different.

Definitely talk before pulling the plug. She could’ve said this all wrong,  or if it’s the worst, you at least knew before you got married, and it’s easier to break up than divorce.

Update  Sept 1, 2024

The last few days have been a rollercoster of emotions. There were a lot of interesting perspectives, from both male and female posters

It seems that the female posters said that being seen as safe is a really great compliment. Whereas the male posters said I should run for the hills. Certainly an intriguing insight into how men and women see things differently

So I ended up talking to my fiancee about what she meant. She seemed really nervous and knew that she had upset me. I have to admit, I was quite nervous too. It’s not easy when your sense of self has crumbled. Learning that you aren’t seen in the way you think you are, is a very tough feeling. I can’t describe it, but it made me really feel ‘fragile’. In the truest sense of the word

I started by telling her that I was really upset about her comment because frankly, I had always thought I was that exciting guy to her. I told her that in my mind, I was the guy who makes her heart skip a beat. So I had to brace myself and ask again what she meant when she said I wasn’t exciting.

She looked like she wanted to cry because I guess she could sense I was also upset? She said that she didn’t want to hurt my feelings but that I ‘‘make her feel very safe and secure, and that with me, I’m not exciting in the sense that I don’t give her thrills like her exes used to’’

Man, that hurt but I was still confused. She was being really vague and not really clear in what she meant. I had to ask again what she meant by thrills and she just began crying and apologizing. She tried to hug me but I again walked out (I seem to do this when things get emotional…)

So I decided to take some shrooms and spend the day outside at a nearby lake. This helped me clear my mind and come to some devastating realizations about myself

I think what I realized was, that I was lying to myself

Another commenter said it, which I didn’t want to admit, which is I’m more into her than she is into me. I didn’t disclose this on my first thread, but she never initiates sex. I don’t think she’s done that once. With my exes, they always initiated with me. You see, my fiancee is beautiful, to the point where I wonder how I landed her

But you see, that was the issue. Because I was so attracted to her, I wanted her approval. I know that sounds pathetic, but I was able to overlook red flags such as her lack of initiating sex. I thought if I stayed with her, she’d like me the way I like her

Now here’s the kicker. I thought that, if I proposed to her, then over time I could win her over. I’ve been with women who were madly into me, and my fiancee just didn’t behave like them at all. In addition to never initiating, she never complimented me much. It was always one-sided

A lot of this begs to question, why would she even be with me. I think that, she saw me as someone who could provide stability. And I guess, maybe she thought my exterior (tattoos, motorcycles, MMA, craft beer) was a facade. I mean, maybe she was kinda right… not that I don’t enjoy those things, I do. But I am able to have that lifestyle because my parents are wealthy doctors. Maybe she thought I was cosplaying as a bad boy, and that in actuality I am a loaded rich kid who provides stability

The other insight I had was that, truth be told, I didn’t want to actually get married. I definitely do one day, but I didn’t really think it through. I thought to myself, that if I propose, I will grow accustomed to the idea of getting married. But the truth is, I kind of want to continue my lifestyle as it is. Which involves riding my motorcycle, fixing muscle cars, traveling across the country, going to festivals, etc

Do I want to get married one day? Of course. But I want to be with a woman who is really crazy about me. Someone who compliments me a lot, initiates sex, etc

So I ended up talking with her later on and telling her that I want to call things off and end things. I won’t bore with details but yes she cried a lot, even got angry, said I wasted her time. I told her that it wasn’t anything she did, but she didn’t buy …

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