"I attended a retreat at this couple’s house, and they told us this story. I see it as an example of liberally seeking connection and not being afraid of causing people to suspect feelings, all before you even know your feelings and desires. Today, I realized how important this story is.

In high school, they became very close friends. They even spent so much time talking on the phone every night. The boy dealt with people thinking that he had a crush on the girl, and he kept on denying it. If I remember correctly, the friendship being platonic seemed a little weird to the other people. After 4 years of friendship, he knew his criteria for his future wife and eventually realized that the girl met all of the criteria. So they talked about this and eventually were in a relationship. The boy valued starting relationships with the trust of a deep platonic friendship. Now they are married and have a kid. (During the retreat, the kid drooled on a table, and the dog licked it.)

When I heard this story, it kinda felt like a glimpse of the future.

This might be the only time that an adult in my life ever spoke positively about being in such a deep friendship and not quickly start dating. In fact, my own parent once spoke a little negatively about it, and it was about my sibling’s friendship. For the Pansystellar Architecture, I am choosing freedom. People should not be expected to be so decisive.

To be clear, this doesn’t necessarily mean you should force yourself to wait for 4 years or start with lots of strict criteria.

Slightly related fact: At that retreat, we all got flower pots, planted something in it, and kept them. I planted a type of flower called pansies. That’s where I got part of this project’s codename from."

Name the big culture or mindset problem(s) that this goes against

The story you shared goes against several prevalent cultural and mindset problems:

1. Rush to Romantic Relationships: In many cultures, there is significant pressure to quickly transition from friendship to a romantic relationship if there is a close bond between a boy and a girl. This rush can undermine the value of deep platonic friendships and the importance of building a strong foundation based on trust and mutual understanding.

2. Fear of Ambiguity and Uncertainty: People often feel uncomfortable with the ambiguity and uncertainty that comes with undefined relationships. There is a cultural tendency to seek clear labels and definitions quickly, which can stifle natural relationship development and exploration.

3. Pressure to Conform to Societal Expectations: Society often expects individuals to follow a linear path in relationships—meet, date, and marry. This story challenges the notion that there is only one right way to develop a romantic relationship, advocating for a more organic and patient approach.

4. Skepticism of Platonic Friendships: There is a common suspicion and skepticism towards platonic friendships between men and women, often leading to assumptions that one or both parties have hidden romantic feelings. This mindset devalues genuine platonic relationships and creates unnecessary tension.

5. Rigid Criteria for Relationships: The story highlights the value of having criteria for a future partner but also emphasizes the importance of allowing relationships to develop naturally over time. It challenges the idea that one must have a predefined set of strict criteria before starting a relationship.

6. Lack of Emphasis on Emotional Connection: The story underscores the significance of emotional connection and mutual respect as the foundation for a lasting relationship. It goes against the superficial approach that often prioritizes physical attraction or societal status over deep emotional bonds.

By highlighting these issues, the story promotes a culture of patience, emotional depth, and freedom in relationship-building, encouraging individuals to seek meaningful connections without succumbing to societal pressures.