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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-06-24 04:00:03+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/secondwife9
My husband [44/M] told me he wished I [37/F] was dead instead of his first wife. I’m devastated.
TRIGGER WARNING: death of a loved one, verbal abuse, depression, neglect and exploitation
Thanks to u/Choice_Evidence1983 for suggesting this BoRU
Original Post Sept 21, 2016
My husband “Nick” was married to his first wife “Vanessa” for 5 years and they had two amazing kids, “Luke” (15/M) and “Lila” (13/F). Sadly, Vanessa died in an accident 11 years ago when the kids were very young. I started dating Nick 8 years ago and we started off very slowly for obvious reasons. Nick has always been a little more distant than anyone I’d ever been with, but he and the kids lost Vanessa so young that I understood it.
After 3 years of dating, Nick asked me to marry him and I moved in. I’ve always had a really great relationship with Luke and Lila and they were happy for me to marry their dad. I had wanted an actual wedding, nothing big, but Nick really didn’t want one so we got married at the courthouse with just Luke and Lila present. We had a really fast engagement, but it worked for all of us.
I have loved being Luke and Lila’s stepmom and officially adopted them after I found out I was pregnant with our son “Casey” (2/M). The kids have been so great with Casey and help out so much. Nick was wonderful during the pregnancy and had always been a really loving dad and husband.
But Nick has been pulling away a lot the last few months. He’s been even more distant than usual and working late nights and going away with friends almost every weekend. I’ve tried talking to him, but he’s been impatient with both me and the kids. I found out I was pregnant in June and am now 21 weeks pregnant with a girl. The kids are excited to have a little sister, but Nick just seems so indifferent to everything and everyone. He’s been missing soccer games, Lila’s birthday, doctors appointments, etc. Casey is too young to notice, but Luke and Lila are so hurt by their dad’s absence. These kids are so good and they lost their mom so young and I’m infuriated that Nick is ignoring the kids like this.
Last week, I finally sat Nick down and told him that he needs to stop disappearing and be more present in our lives. We’re going to have another child soon and before we know it Luke and Lila will be grown up and going to college. After an hour of arguing, he screamed at me that he wished Vanessa was still alive and that I had switched places with her and died instead. He also threw in some awful comments that I need to stop pretending I’m Luke and Lila’s “real” mom and that I’m only half the mom Vanessa was. The final straw was him saying that he never even wanted any kids with me, but did it so I’d “keep busy and leave him alone.”
I’m so beyond hurt right now. I know I’m just his second choice, but I’ve always tried to honor Vanessa and tell Luke and Lila how lucky they were to have her as their mom. I love ALL of our kids more than anything and I’m just so heartbroken. Nick barely pays attention to Casey now and doesn’t even acknowledge the pregnancy. He somewhat apologized this weekend and took all three kids to lunch, but he won’t even look me in the eye. He seems like he wants to talk, but he doesn’t say anything and I’m too upset to even be near him.
I’m not sure where to go from here. Honestly, I can’t even be around Nick right now and if there weren’t any kids involved, I’d leave and never look back. I’m not sure if he’s cheating or the thought of a fourth child is stressing him out, but I’m devastated and not sure how or why I should save this marriage, besides doing it for the kids. Any advice is desperately needed right now.
tl;dr: My husband has been distant and ignoring our kids. When I confronted him, he told me he wished I had died instead of his first wife and that I’m only half the mother she was. I’m currently pregnant and not sure how to fix this or us.
Update - rareddit Nov 28, 2016
I’m not sure if anyone remembers my original post but I got some PMs asking to update and I found this place really helpful before. There’s been a lot that has happened and there’s no way to mention it all without writing a novel, so if I miss something or someone wants to know more, I’ll try to answer in comments.
I gave Nick a letter the day after I made my post (thanks to the commenter who suggested this). I tried to explain how hurt I was by what he said and I wasn’t sure how we’d gotten to this place. I also tried to explain that I knew he was still in so much pain from Vanessa’s death and I would never try to replace her. Even though I tried to be understanding of his grief and (likely) depression, I didn’t sugarcoat how badly hurt I was by what he said to me. I know grief is extremely complex, but it doesn’t excuse telling your pregnant wife you wished she was dead. It was a hard letter to write, but I tried to put forward some kind of resolution: if he meant what he said, then we’d divorce as amicably as possible for the kids. If he didn’t mean it and was just lashing out, then we had to get couples counseling and he needed to get back to individual therapy if he wanted to stay together.
Nick took the letter and locked himself in the guest room to read it. He didn’t come out until the next morning, but he told me he needed to go away for awhile and think. So he packed a bag, told the kids he had a business trip, and left that afternoon.
Honestly, I figured our marriage was done as soon as he left. Luke and Lila knew something was up, but I just kept telling them their dad had a big project for work and would be back soon. They were both upset (neither of them really believed the story about Nick’s trip), so I set up some emergency sessions with their therapist so both of them would have someone to talk with.
Nick was gone for over a week. There were a few short phone calls to ask how I was and talk to the kids, but it was a lot of radio silence during that time. He came home one afternoon when Luke and Lila were still at school and said he needed to talk. I figured he was going to ask for the divorce.
He told me he felt very guilty for being happy with his life now and like he was dishonoring Vanessa by living this “new life” with me. The guilt and sadness made him want to pull away and he hoped I’d let him, which I did (I was scared and didn’t say anything until it was too bad not to and then the fight happened - I blame myself for not communicating this). He said he didn’t mean the things he said and felt ashamed after he said them, but he just wanted me to leave him so that neither of us would be hurt anymore. I guess I was expecting to hear that, but it didn’t make me feel better. After reading my letter I guess it really drove home how much he had hurt the kids and I, so he left to see if he could fix himself and get back on track. He admitted he’d been really depressed and needed/wanted help.
I told him I meant what I said in the letter and that if he wanted to work through it, I would work with him. He was more emotional than I’ve ever seen him, so I believed he really was sorry for what he said.
So we’ve been in marriage counseling and he’s back in individual therapy as well. He still has a lot of guilt about Vanessa and I’m still hurting from everything he said and did, but I feel like we’re slowly making progress with rebuilding the relationship. A lot of people brought up the fact that my life with Nick so closely mirrors what he had with Vanessa and that’s something we’ve been dealing with a lot in therapy. Obviously it wasn’t intentional, but it subconsciously put both of us on edge: him waiting for something bad to happen and me thinking I’d never measure up.
We’ve also been to family sessions with Luke and Lila’s therapist and it’s been very helpful. Both of them told me talking to their therapist helps a lot, so I’ve made sure they have a weekly appointment. As terrible as the situation was for Nick and I, I feel like the Luke and Lila have been amazingly mature and wonderful throughout the whole thing. I am so, so proud of them. Nick is really trying to make up for the things he missed while he was checked out and he’s been great with the kids. I’ve been having a lot of complications with my pregnancy, but Nick has stepped up to help with everything. He’s been to every doctor’s appointment and has been very supportive of the pregnancy since he came back. I know he has an extreme amount of guilt from saying he never wanted Casey or the new baby and he’s really been trying to make up for that.
We’re all going to stay in therapy as long as we need to (which is probably going to be a long, long time), but I feel more confident about our future as a couple and a family. I won’t lie and say I’m positive everything has been fixed or that his words don’t still hurt, but I feel like we’re on the right path.
tl;dr: Wrote a letter to husband explaining how hurt I was about what he said to me, but also understood that he was still hurting from his f…
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1·4 days ago