I’m a 37 year old IT Cloud Engineer, I have a great job, great house, love my family, but recently I lost my dad to cancer after a 16 year battle. My brother likes to say cancer had to cheat to win, it was all because he broke his back and had to be taken off his treatments for to long. Cancer is a fickle bitch…
Prior to losing my dad, I lost my best friend, who apparently dropped dead in his backyard. I don’t know the specifics and frankly I don’t want to know. Either way, these events effected me, and I started having massive panic attacks and anxiety issues, constantly afraid for my health even though there’s nothing wrong with me. It took a few months of therapy to realize I needed medical help.
I was put on antidepressants and everything changed, I was a human again for the first time in like a decade. I was happy, I was successful, but now, idk if I’m just having a midlife crisis, or if maybe I’m just feeling depressed again, but I just feel lost. I’ve lost one of the few people in my life I’ve modeled my success after, my father, I lost the other person I could hang out with and empathize with, I have my wife and I love her to death, but my friend had been that person that was just there to hang out and make you feel better, and now they’re gone. I’m still struggling to cope and it’s just really hard and I need a place to vent.
Anyone have any ideas on how to cope and move on as well as control the anxiety without the need to be medicated?
TL;DR: Lost my dad and my best friend in the course of two years and it’s been rough. Now I feel lost and confused constantly. Cloudy brain and I just don’t want to be complacent in life and need some advice. Thanks for reading.
Edit: just wanted to say thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I’m going to take the advice I’ve been given here to heart and try some new things to try and give me some direction. Thank you all again so much for the help, it really made me feel a lot better.
Find. A. Therapist.
No random, online stranger will be able to give you what you need, because (if nothing else) we just don’t know you well enough. A professional counselor is someone you can open up to, who will see you repeatedly, and has the professional training to help you.
I understand that seeing a therapist is intimidating. I get it. But I truly believe it is the route to go, in your case. While the issues you are dealing with are both major and relatively common, the advice needed is specific to the individual.
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I play video games, specifically guild wars 2 and I’ve found a really friendly and inviting guild to group up with, and that has really helped. I also wanted to get into blacksmithing at some point, I’ve always liked the idea of being able to hit something with a hammer really hard and make something cool.
IT Engineer here also. I’d recommend doing something not related to tech (even though we love it). I’ve taken up bike riding and walking. Getting outdoors helps my anxiety a ton.
Finding new hobbies is a great way to get out of a funk. There’s a museum near me that teaches blacksmithing. See if something like that exists near you - if not, you can usefully find an actual practitioner who will teach you.
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Hi.
Look into mindfulness practices. Do some art. Hobbies etc. Music is my preference. Also, try to appreciate that you get to experience anything at all. It’s a wild ride, enjoy it all. Don’t fight your feelings. You only get to experience these kind of things rarely, and they have the potential to bring you closer to your self. Appreciation and happiness are perspectives, and they are largely down to choice. How do you want to feel? Practice that. The human mind is a crazy, malleable thing.
I self medicated for long long time. Seen death up close, both people close to me, and random people. I’ve been through my fair share of trauma just like you, and roughly your age as well.
Death is completion of the cycle. Life is really a beautiful thing, and the fact we can be aware of such things make it even harder, messier, and even more beautiful.
End rant.
Rule 1, you don’t know what other people are going through. They got a whole universe no one else knows nothing about, so give them a break.
Rule 2, only person that’s on the hook to give you a break is you. Think of the advice you would give your friend or your dad, if they were in your situation and give it to you. Probably good advice.
Rule 3, noting is certain, not even tomorrow. Have your dessert first.
I have a therapist I can contact, she’s a trauma therapist and has given me techniques for when the stress and anxiety are too much. I’m not in the same place anymore as I was back then, I’m not really depressed so much as just feeling a bit lost and wanting some direction. I recognize the importance of a therapist and will call her if I ever get to that point again.
I’m really sorry you’re having such a tough time. It’s clear you’ve been hit with some pretty hard losses. Losing people we’re close to can make us reevaluate our own lives, and that’s definitely a lot to process. It sounds like you’re dealing with a huge wave of feelings and that’s totally normal given what you’ve been through.
One thing that could help you right now is to find some kind of support network. Maybe a group for people dealing with grief? You’d get the chance to chat with folks going through similar stuff and it’s always good to know you’re not alone. And don’t forget about the loved ones still around you. You mentioned how much you love your wife. She’s there for you. Spend some quality time together, talk about what you’re feeling.
Another thing, don’t underestimate taking care of your physical health, mate. Exercise can do wonders for the mood. Anything that gets you moving - a good old-fashioned walk, cycling, yoga. And remember to eat right and get enough sleep.
Have you ever tried mindfulness or meditation? Being in the moment can be really grounding and help keep anxiety in check. There are some great apps out there that can guide you through it, and yoga or deep breathing exercises are solid options too.
Something that’s helped me before is writing stuff down, kind of like a journal. You could even write letters to your dad and friend. It might be therapeutic to get those thoughts and memories out of your head and onto paper.
Remember, it’s okay to feel lost. It’s okay to grieve. And it’s okay to ask for help. You’re not on a clock to “get over it”. Healing takes time, so be kind to yourself. One step at a time, okay? We’re here for you.
Hey Brother, very sorry for your losses. Unfortunately/fortunately, you and I share some similarities.
I work in cloud/tech, in my 30’s, successful, enjoy my job and my father passed two years ago (suicide) and I also modeled my career off of him.
The loss hit me very hard, all I can tell you is what helped me and maybe it will for you but obviously this will be your own journey. I’m in a very happy place now after a lot of work.
I tried to throw myself into work after my father’s death, realized it was making things worse. I took FMLA after being diagnosed with major depression/anxiety, got on anti depressants, started journaling, quit drinking (used it to cope heavily), began therapy, dove heavily into fitness and took up a hobby my father and I shared (golf) to feel a connection to him still.
I used the extended time off to focus on my grief/recovery almost like a job. I had a routine every day, and between all the above mentioned efforts I was able to get a clearer head, understand the path forward, all the while still maintaining a closeness with my father.
I highly recommend taking this very pointed approach to “recovering” from the loss. Trying to live your normal life while processing all of this trauma is just too much, or at least it was for me.
Shoot me a message if this was helpful and you need/want more info. Best of luck.
I’ve tried to meditate in the past, but I never feel any difference and whenever I look up meditation apps they always ask for a subscription to even the basic meditation information and I just can’t justify paying for something that can truly help a person’s mental health in that manner. It just feels scummy, like these apps are saying “I see you’re depressed and have anxiety, if you pay me I can make you feel better”.
You definitely don’t need an app to meditate!
Meditation is about focusing your awareness on the present. That’s it. Anything else is just window dressing to help you do it. Thích Nhất Hạnh has a good book called Peace is Every Step that is a good guide on meditation beyond the normal “sit down and don’t move.”
Journaling is another free way you can work out your thoughts and maybe put them in some order. Consider that you knew your dad and best friend for a very long time, and what you remember of them is still real. Write to them, and write responses to yourself based on the advice you think they’d give you.
I don’t know if they’re still doing it, but Balance gives a free year to try it out. I mean, do you expect a therapist to work for free just because it can help?
Of course I wouldn’t expect something for free, however a therapist won’t turn you away if you’re going through a mental crisis and need help. What I expect from meditation apps is to at least provide tutorials on how to get started, and if that really helps then they offer a subscription for further techniques and resources. Most if not all apps do not even provide that, they show your what they offer and say here’s a 7 day trial, after that we’re billing you. What if part of that anxiety are financials and you need help to clear your mind and get things organized? That just adds to they pile, that they will charge you later. One could argue that’s what a therapist does, but they’re not going to turn you away right from the start. Idk, I get what you’re saying, and you’re not wrong, it just feels wrong to me.
I mean, a therapist will likely only help if you’re on the edge of a building or holding a gun to your head. They won’t help if you’re looking for the same level of help you’d find from a meditation app. They’ll refer you to make an appointment. And i even agree because them offering any off the cuff advice is probably not a great idea.
I get why it feels wrong, but I dunno. Most of the apps I tried usually offered a month and, like I mentioned, Balance offered a year. I just am not in a place where it helps but I definitely plan on trying to return later if I ever figure some other stuff out first.
So I guess, I dunno, if you think meditation might be helpful, at least give Balance a shot. They legitimately give you a full year. You don’t even need to set a reminder to cancel. You can just stop it from auto renewing immediately.
I found my kind of happiness by not having any friends, probably not the best advisor for you, dealing with others makes things much harder because we are all actually ghost in this lifetime, I mean we live for a very few moment in an endless time and family and friends can dissaper in any second, society want to feed everyone with the wrong message that we are immortal and bonds matters most of everything, but this is not correct, we are very mortal and your experience confirm it like everyone at some point addressed, we only live the present and that’s all, we are in fact animals not gods. This is mine position to dealing with anxiety and depression, sure this discussion are more complex of this point. Condolence for your losses.
It took me a while to decide to respond to your post because I lost my father in 2017, a month before my 40th birthday, and a family friend’s child 2 weeks later. That time of my life was really a blur of raw grief and anxiety.
This time in your life is going to be so full of it that you feel like you can’t focus on anything else and it’s okay to feel lost. Grief comes in waves. At first, they are so big that every time they hit they knock you down and they hit you multiple times a day, but you have to hold on to the fact that over time, those waves will come less often and be less fierce. Every once in a while you’ll get one that is a doozy but it will happen less and less often. The strength of your grief is directly proportionate to the strength of your love for them.
You’ve been getting great advice in this thread and you’ve already got meds and a therapist which is great. I also suggest journaling and meditation like some of the other posters did. I personally found the teachings of Buddhism and Thich Nhat Hanh helpful, too. There is a podcast called “The Way Out Is In” which is run by a student of his and you can listen to for free. They have guided meditations at the end of each episode. Even if you’re not into becoming a Buddhist, listening to someone very calmly and rationally talk about how they know your pain and then guide you through sending your good thoughts out to your loved ones is so soothing to the soul. You can search out episodes that are specific to situations you may benefit from. The lesson in breathing in and out and sending out your thoughts to them is one you can hold on to.
Hey man, first of all internet hugs from a random stranger.
I’m so sorry for for what you’re going through and cannot even begin to understand how you feel. I haven’t gone through anything similar, so I can’t really offer any advice.
I just wanted to let you know that it’s okay to feel the way you do. That might stick around for a while, and you shouldn’t pressure yourself into feeling “better” (or let others do that for you). It’s important to recognize and acknowledge these emotions, and it sounds like you do. There’s nothing wrong with you; you’re grieving. There’s no way to replace the people you’ve lost and it’s natural to feel like there’s a hole in your heart.
Feel it, but don’t get lost in it. It sounds like your wife can be a pillar for you right now. Are you talking to her about this emptiness? Let her know how she can best be there for you. When I first met my girlfriend, her mom was dying and eventually died six months into our relationship. I’ve often felt helpless during that time as I wanted to be there for her and idk just DO something, kind of “fix” her problems or make them go away. Of course, that’s not possible. I was at a loss how to support her, but by talking about it slowly came to understand that my desire to do something was a bit misplaced - just holding her in my arms and fixing dinner and suggesting playing through a coop video game was what she needed. It made her feel safe again after feeling like the flloor had been ripped out from under her.
She also drastically reduced her hours and went on long extended hikes.
I’m not saying that’s what right for you - I’m saying try to figure out what you can do to make every day suck a little tiny bit less and talk about it with your partner. Make her your ally in this, if you haven’t already.
Lastly, anxiety’s a bitch. I don’t know if there’s a cure for it, but there’s certainly more or less helpful ways of confronting or rather dealing with (intrusive) thoughts. Is there any particular pattern that stands out in your thoughts?
Thank you so much, it’s been hard, insanely difficult to deal with at times. I needed to hear something like this, I’ve just felt alone and I’ve had so many scenarios recently where I would’ve called my dad for advice and I haven’t had that, it drives me nuts. I really haven’t had any intrusive thoughts, not sure what you’re implying with that, but after my friend died I did feel hopeless and sad all the time, never really wanting to hurt myself or anything but my therapist was worried enough that she wanted to see me on medication and now here I am. Thanks to my therapist and my wife for pushing me to to get medication, I started healing again, but now it’s a different feeling, more like “what do I do now?” And not everything is hopeless.
I’m seeing lots of good tips from people here, but I would highly recommend seeing a professional because this is above Lemmy’s pay grade.
If you see an MD (i.e. Your GP or a psychiatrist), they’re almost always going to prescribe meds. A counselor will do talk-therapy, no meds.
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Idk if this will help you, but few things I did and still do sometimes are watching comedy movies or shows, playing light video games to distract me and also change my diet.
Not that I’m completely cured but they were a little bit more than enough for me to have energy to live my life. Of course this takes some times but as long I don’t have to be depressed and anxious every night to sleep, I take it.
Hope you keep strong bro and get better. (Forgive my English)
