At age 16, against my normal nature , I’ve asked out my then crush who was my schoolmate.

(In retrospect, it was only sexual attraction, cause her personality was abysmal…)

I say “ask out” but it was one of the childish “wanna be my gf” sort of thing. I didn’t have (nor do I have now) “game”.
My only valid pretense for hanging with her , and not actually planning a date, was studying together for tests.

Neverthelesss, the excitement and the rush after she showed interest in me was overwhelming , and I spiraled out of control.
I became clingy , needed and over the top in love.

It all came crashing down when I saw her avoiding me while looking afraid and creeped out.
That face is burned into my retina, and all I can think about when I even think about stepping into that arena again.

I’m 31 now, still painfully alone - but with the added bonus of feeling like expired milk and overrun with anxiety and depression.

I’m telling myself again and again that I’m doing the best with the cards I’ve been dealt with , and partnership or intimacy is just not one of those cards.
I try to keep busy and focus on work - because one moment of boredom sends me to a variety of really dark places.

I know that some day the pattern of eat-sleep-job-repeat won’t be enough, but I’m repressing that thought like hell right now.

Thank you guys for creating this sub BTW, much needed.

  • Cruxifux@lemmy.worldEnglish
    14·
    1 year ago

    Man I did the same thing with a girl in middle school. Small town and grew up super Christian so I was very much in the mindset of “meet someone and latch onto them forever.”

    I was so weird and creepy to that girl. I cringed about it for a couple years and just powered through it in high school. Hated how I treated that girl, who I had nothing in common with and had zero interest in in high school. That self hatred in that moment I find healthy, because I NEVER treated another woman like that again, and did quite well romantically after that as a result of the new rules I set for my brain.

    There is a use for shame and humility, learn from your mistakes and push forward. You might be a secret Casanova bro. Women love a man who has learned to not be like that. You can do it. Change isn’t easy, but you already know what not to do. USE THAT. Women appreciate that.

    Don’t give up because of your age either. Lots of my friends in their 30’s are single and still have no problem dating. Lots of fish in the sea nowadays.