Iām going to try and keep this clear and concise.
Iām not confident in my parenting. I donāt feel like Iāve been a good parent, but I have done the best that I can with the tools and resources that I have.
My 18 y/o has lived with us since she was 4. My partner has been in my 18y/oās life since they were 13 months old.
18y/o is copy->paste of their deadbeat mother and I donāt know what to do about it. I donāt know what I can do about it at this point.
I have tried to instill structure, while allowing wiggle room at times. I recognize that itās my job as the parent to draw hard lines and itās my kids job to push the boundaries and cross those lines.
18y/o is almost mute around us. Doesnāt communicate much of anything beyond surface level āpleasantriesā. And itās more often than not, anything but pleasant. They (biological female) are diagnosed with ADHD, āchange disorderā, anxiety and depression. Iāve done so much reading trying to figure out this person and how I can help, but nothing seems to help. Kid has never really be honest with therapists. Lies for no reason, and doubles down even when presented with irrefutable evidence that theyāve been caught. If I had to āself-diagnoseā, they have ODD and are a sociopath, but Iāve seen how they behave around friends and peers. They only have disregard for us. Outside the home, they are a people pleaser. But if we suggest something, or ask for something to be done, itās a fight, every time.
They are a senior in high school, is a good student when thereās nothing rocking their boat, but had steadily declining grades as the school year presses on. I have no idea whatās going on in their life, everything is responded to with a random selection of the following list:
I donāt know
I donāt remember
I donāt know how you want me to answer that
Do you want me to respond?
I donāt see what the problem is.
I donāt see how this is a big deal.
The current argument is regarding whether we should be expected to wake them up for school in the morning. Iāve already put my foot down about it, and since December 1st, theyāve already walked themselves to school twice because they overslept.
They are impossible to motivate. When things finally come to a head and an argument breaks out, which typically boils over because there can be no constructive conversation with someone who is either unable or unwilling to have a conversation. And only when the argument breaks out do we get any action on anything, and then itās an overcorrection. For example, weāve been pushing for them to fill out scholarship applications for 8 months. Weāve had friends provide spreadsheets with links to what we collectively think are viable scholarships, for no action responses. Then when we finally get a break in the wall, they fill out scholarship applications for tens of thousands of dollars for enrollment in a school states away with misleading GPA information. We are not in a financial position to accommodate that kind of enrollment, even if we wanted to support the decision. It comes off as an āIāll show themā move.
Nevermind the drivers license thing. Canāt get them to get off their ass and get their license. Itās been a battle for 2 years. Something always goes wrong. Last time I pressed on it hard, we ended up in intensive outpatient therapy.
Theyāre unmanageable and I donāt know what to do for or with them. Our home is small, 800 sqft and itās a hell hole. My partner has almost left me twice over this kidās behavior over the years. Partner and kid do not get along at all at this point, and has lead to a false CPS report so my kid could try and move in with their crushās family.
There so much context missing but thereās no time or room for 18 years of back story.
I donāt know if thereās a question here, but I need help or support, or something. Any stories or advice anyone cares to relay would be appreciated. Iām terrified that once this kid leaves, Iām never going to hear from them again. But I canāt control that, and I recognize it.
Thanks for reading.
Perhaps thereās a breakdown in communication that youāre missing.
They want to be a character designer. They have a very set definition of what that is, and they see it as a sole persons job. Ultimatey, they donāt have the exposure to reality to conceptualize how the corporate (or even the starving-artist) world works to know that a single ācharacterā has multiple levels to their design that are each a very integral part of the finished product, and each of those requires a very specific focus and set of skillsā¦whether that be concept art, clay modeling, 3D modeling, graphic design, wardrobe, voice-acting, makeup, backstory, dialogue, etc.
Helping them to understand that will help them to understand the need to specialize, hopefully towards something they already have some natural aptitude in. And that specialization (as a writer, or artist, or fashionista) will have value in job markets outside of whatever field they peg ācharacter designā in. Now they have multiple career options while still being able to practice the craft that brings them enjoyment.
Helping you to understand that may help you to understand why so much ācharacter developmentā is contractor work. Except itās not just the piecemeal nature of it, thatās just how corporate world is now. Steady W2 work is hard to come by for a lot of careers in the space between āhigh school diploma or GED requiredā and āmust have at least 3 post-graduate degrees in a related field and 20 years of work experience in a field that only existed for 10ā.
Just donāt stress the multiple options too much. They sound like the type of person who would get analysis paralysis. Thatās not a bad thing in itself, it means they are very aware of action/consequenceā¦it just leads to some bit of anxiety which then results in a stalemate.