I was never an alcoholic. I quit my job due to stress and not fitting in and then COVID started soon after. I also started Lexapro around this time. I drank more regularly after this but not as an alcoholic imo. Lexapro was definitely part of drinking more… Alcohol was different after going on it.

During this time I got sucked into politics and watching the protests live. For once in my life I thought something good was going to happen for society. Even though I don’t really support organized groups I thought something positive would come from everything in the end and for both sides even. Well it didn’t. Without details… One night I got drunk and upset some people. And my life hasn’t been the same since. I wish I could express how fucked up my life is. But I can’t, I have to internalize all of it. So that, along with PTSD from certain experiences that came along with it… Getting drunk was the only thing that… idk… That let me escape how fucked up my life is.

And here I am today. I am off Lexapro now and that made a big difference in my frequency and amount of alcohol I drink. But what didn’t go away is when I drink …like to have a good time… I basically don’t stop.

In my life I get antagonized and poked till I react. And when this happens or I have a trigger or flash back of things that have happened things get ugly. Ive gone to jail for a fight. I’ve crashed my car. Some other wild experiences I’m not going to get into. Tbh I’ve seen worse drunks though.

I don’t want to quit drinking. One day it will probably be my way out of life. Quitting drinking isn’t going to stop my circumstances. It’s not going fix my neurodivergence and lack of life skills. The only thing that could have fixed my life is having good people in it. But my life isn’t fixable anymore. I literally can’t fix myself to save life. My options are to be homeless, or kms. And I postpone that choice by drinking.

  • Stache_@lemmy.ml
    2·
    6 months ago

    I’ve found that it’s really easy for me to go through beer after beer while playing video games. Especially during the Covid lockdowns.

    So I’m starting to try out non-alcoholic beers and am trying to just keep NA beers in the fridge at home and if I want to get drunk, I’ll go out to a bar

    • LemmyHead@lemmy.mlM
      4·
      6 months ago

      I’ve tried NA ones before (even though I don’t like beer much) and to me they tasted a lot like alcoholic ones. I hope they’ll satisfy you enough to just keep those at home

      • ULS@lemmy.mlOP
        1·
        6 months ago

        For me it’s vodka and seltzer… So a lot of seltzer is good for me.

  • LemmyHead@lemmy.mlM
    2·
    6 months ago

    Thanks for sharing your story with as many details as you have. Alcohol sure sounds like an ideal escape for you. Do you usually drink alone or together with others?

    • ULS@lemmy.mlOP
      2·
      6 months ago

      I usually drink alone. But typically keep it under 3-5 drinks. If I’m around people that number is basically goes up indefinitely. I don’t necessarily lose my motor skills unless I’m tired as well. Alcohol motivates me. I perform at life better with a drink or two… That’s the hard part. When I turned 21 my family would tell me they lie me better like this. Otherwise I’m a complete outcast.