As covered back in March (you read it here! – r²), our Gov Whitmer signed off on two bills banning the sale of…

[…]any device specifically designed for inhaling nitrous oxide from canisters for recreational purposes, with stiffer penalties for selling the devices to minors.

That’s great and would have solved the problem there and then…but unfortunately we’re dealing with humans. The problem with idiot-proof solutions is that they’re always inventing a better idiot. Take me, for example: I’m most likely a better idiot than you are.

From today’s Detroit News article, “‘Whippets’ cannisters causing big problems in Michigan as lawmakers crack down”…

Many community leaders are hoping a new statewide ban, starting June 10, will make a difference. The two-bill package adds nitrous oxide or whippets to the list of drug paraphernalia under the Public Health Code that can’t be knowingly sold to minors for the purpose of being inhaled for recreational use.

Of course. We all hope for the same thing, even the most cynical and coldhearted amongst us. But let’s get down to the real problem here…

Whippets are metal containers. Some are about 3 inches tall and often sold in packs. More recently, cylinders about 12 inches tall also are being sold. Once a user sucks out the nitrous oxide, the canisters are no longer needed. Tens of thousands of them end up as hazardous litter, contend many who deal with the issue.

Four years ago, more than 30,000 canisters were picked up in a six-week period in southwest Detroit by a group that formed to clean up whippets in the community, organizers said. And more than 11,000 were picked up in a single day at a recent Motor City Makeover, an annual citywide volunteer cleanup and beautification initiative, Detroit Police Department officials told a state House health policy committee in February. [all emphasis mine – r² ]

It’s no skin off my genitalia if you wanna huff your way to a vitamin deficiency (to go with your mental deficiency)—weed’s gonna harm you less in the long run. Nevertheless, like I have no legal problem with heroin enthusiasts or exhibitionist sex, I don’t wanna see your—ahem—biohazard leftover paraphenalia littering my streets. Ya follow?

And now…

r²’s Solution to The Whippit Problem

Return deposit on whippit cannisters.

• USD$1.00 on 3" cannisters
• USD$5.00 on 12" cannisters
• USD$20.00 on cannisters larger than 12"
  • Exemption for individuals/businesses with a valid Michigan food establishment license

Labelling

• Cannisters may no longer have “enticing” labelling. Any labelling on cannisters is limited to company information (name, address, internet information) and cannister content information. Labels are to be no greater than one-quarter of cannister surface area minus 0.25" top and bottom radii. Labelling must be text only, with no illustrations nor logotypes.
  • This is inspired by Plain Tobacco Packaging statutes worldwide…except here…in “The Greatest Country in The World”

“Cracker” tax
No…I’m not saying adding a new tax on 80% of the citizenry of Michigan and Ohio (I’m kidding! I’M KIDDING!)…

• a 50% state tax would be applied to the purchase of N₂O “crackers,” including online sales.
  • aforementioned exemption applies for licensed individuals/businesses

It may not be the perfect solution but as the old saw goes, “‘perfect’ is the enemy of ‘good’”. It’s not going to stop anybody from inhaling laughing gas but you’re gonna see a dramatic decrease—decrease is the keyword here, for the Manichians or absolutists among you—of whippit litter around the state.

Being how I don’t run in those circles, I had no idea (other than the non-trivial litter problem) how common and widespread the problem is worldwide.

Has anybody in the State government considered any of these proposals before and I’m just repeating past arguments as my own? I couldn’t find any prior art online.

What do you think?!

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Remember…Parma spelled backwards is AMRAP!
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