I was struggling to understand that for a long time too. It seems like it’s a mix of being told that just saying no is not polite and an aversion to conflict. Especially when stating needs.
Some parents actively discourage their children to state their needs clearly and concisely from a very very young age.
Companies that give personality tests in the hiring process are largely looking at your “agreeableness” score. We’re constantly taught (from an early age, as you mention) that the default answer should be “Yes.” If you’re creative, you might push it to “Yes, and…” But a plain “no” from anyone who isn’t explicitly labeled as a “leader” is a non-starter in systems obsessed with hierarchy.
There are really only three options. Try to climb an existing hierarchy. Make your own hierarchy and place yourself atop it. Or operate within and between hierarchies without unnecessarily validating their existence. That last one’s increasingly difficult by design. And honestly, the second one usually requires exploiting others.
Sure, that’s fine in IRL. It fails on any kind of discussion board though, at least for anything not as comically egregious as “give me your banking details.”
“No.”
…
Why do people deflect instead of just saying no?
I was struggling to understand that for a long time too. It seems like it’s a mix of being told that just saying no is not polite and an aversion to conflict. Especially when stating needs.
Some parents actively discourage their children to state their needs clearly and concisely from a very very young age.
Companies that give personality tests in the hiring process are largely looking at your “agreeableness” score. We’re constantly taught (from an early age, as you mention) that the default answer should be “Yes.” If you’re creative, you might push it to “Yes, and…” But a plain “no” from anyone who isn’t explicitly labeled as a “leader” is a non-starter in systems obsessed with hierarchy.
There are really only three options. Try to climb an existing hierarchy. Make your own hierarchy and place yourself atop it. Or operate within and between hierarchies without unnecessarily validating their existence. That last one’s increasingly difficult by design. And honestly, the second one usually requires exploiting others.
Sure, that’s fine in IRL. It fails on any kind of discussion board though, at least for anything not as comically egregious as “give me your banking details.”
Slippery slope, you have to give the ATM your bank details