This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-11-02 04:01:03+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP posted from 2 accounts: u/athrowawayfordayz & u/ThrowRAkimbeck
ADVICE: I broke up with a guy because his best friend is a female
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
TRIGGER WARNING: harassment
Original Post - rareddit June 14, 2020
Hi Reddit, this is a bit long so bear with me please.
So I started seeing this new guy, “Beck”, a couple weeks ago. I had known him for awhile before we began dating. He is really sweet and awesome and the first three dates we went on went amazingly and I really enjoyed being with him.
Here’s the problem: He has a very close friend, “Kim”, who seems to constantly be in the picture.
During date #4 he talked about her a lot. Like a lot, a lot. She was somehow the topic of every conversation and when I would try to change topics he’d always find his way drifting back to a memory the two of them shared together. Granted, they grew up together, and also dated at some point so it would make sense that they would have lots of memories and chemistry.
He also began telling me the trip the two of them are planning to take, how they were taking her car, staying at her family’s house, etc.
I tried to ignore it at first and just let it go, because I too have a close friend of the opposite sex but we NEVER do anything like what they do. Our relationship is platonic and the most we ever do is play xbox together.
I asked him to be my date to my brothers wedding since I had a plus one (This was after about 2 weeks of dating) and he declined, saying he had already made plans on that day to go bowling with some friends. But after I spoke with a mutual friend of ours, I found out she was going to be there and that they had set it up together.
I was thinking of it for awhile, and the more I thought of it, the more it bugged me.
So on our last date, I said I didn’t want to pursue a relationship anymore. He was confused because I had been acting “normal” up until this point. He asked me why and I told him. I said “I’m sorry but it makes me uncomfortable how close you are with Kim, you talk about her a lot and she seems to be a big part of your life, and since we are not official and I would not try and tell you what to do, I’m just gonna walk away because it makes me uncomfortable.”
He DID NOT take it well. Said I was “giving him an ultimatum” and “trying to force him to choose” and that i was being manipulative. I insisted that I just wasn’t okay with it and did not want to date someone who had that kind of relationship with someone who wasn’t their girlfriend. We WERE NOT officially bf/gf and I felt that I needed to break things off early before shit hit the fan.
Well, I got an uber home because I didn’t want him to drive me(he was fuming). and later that evening I get a text from a number I don’t recognize.
Can you guess who it was? Yup. Kim. Kim texted me a paragraph about how Beck was crazy about me and she thinks I’m wrong for judging her when I haven’t even met her, and how I hurt him and was being manipulative.
I responded saying I did not judge her at all, just that the nature of their relationship did not sit well with me and I wanted to end things before they got complicated. She responded saying that I need to give him another chance and that maybe me and her should meet so that I can see that she isn’t a threat and we could even be friends.
I didn’t respond to her, and shortly after, his mom and my mom texted me telling me I’m overreacting. It’s amassed into a much bigger deal than I had thought it would be. I don’t want to be with him or even try again because of how dramatic I feel that everyone is being.
I’ve repeatedly been accused of being “insecure” among other things and I literally cannot believe that It’s blown up like this.
I’m not an insecure person, I just got a really bad vibe from the situation and didn’t want to be apart of it.
Am I wrong for this? Should I give him another chance? Should I talk to this girl?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Gonebabythoughts
Trust your gut. You were an adult here, stated your case, and then everyone else presumed to tell you what you should do.
Fuck them. This is not even about Kim being the main heroine in Beck’s life anymore. You were standing up for yourself and clearly stating that you were uncomfortable. It’s not a trick or game.
I think you did everything right here, and you should block all of these people (except your mom) and let things cool off a bit. If it comes up again, you can say that if you felt it was off before, their bullying behavior after you made your point further reinforced that this wasn’t right for you
OOP
I really feel bad because he was a super great guy and seemed to really like me too. I’ve had some tough luck with relationships and I really wanted to stay with him, but she bothered me too much. A part of me wants to try but I know it’s stupid and I’ll just end up getting hurt.
~
MasquedCurio
tbh you did the right thing, you were honest and up front, and you walked away. if anything they’re being manipulative and trying to make you engage in a relationship that you find uncomfortable. some people may think it’s stupid or rude or wrong, but at the end of the day dating is discriminatory and you have the right to reject anyone for any reason. it’s a manipulative and honestly rapey attitude for someone to try to make you stay, and recruit their friend to try to coerce or intimidate you. so, good for you for leaving. you aren’t in the wrong. hopefully they’ll leave you alone. if you need someone to chat with or vent to, feel free to send me a message, i’m happy to help if i can.
OOP
“rapey” may be a tad overkill but i see your point. It hurt to leave cos I really really liked him. I valued his friendship a lot but as a S/O I knew we wouldn’t last. It really pissed me off when he told her about it. Even during our conversation she brought up things that I know I had only told him, so that leads me to believe he’d been confiding in her about our relationship which in a way is rapey because it makes me feel violated. Just can’t believe it ended this way
~
Vanquiisher
You are NOT wrong, I’m not a jealous type, but when I see behaviours like blaming it on you to feel a certain way I know there’s is something to be careful with.
Kim shouldn’t have texted you, by doing that she is giving away how she and Beck don’t have any kind of healthy and normal boundaries. If you accept to give him a chance, there is a high chance this is going to be the dynamic: Every time you fight with Beck, Kim is going to intervene. Every time Beck doesn’t like something about you, Kim is going to know. Every time you disagree on something with Beck, Kim is going to agree and they will let you know that. Every time anything happens between you and Beck, Kim is going to be there.
I would say a big no to this and you are in your right to be careful, no one wants drama at the start of a relationship and the most important thing about this is the fact that he and she think you are being manipulative when the only thing you are doing is just walking away from a relationship you already see is going to be problematic. You are being careful and I’m sorry your mother can’t see it. You are NOT in the wrong on this, Beck should be aware how dangerously close his friend is to him and has to aknowledge that that is going to be a problem with future dates. He doesn’t seem to know this and you are not going to make him understand that.
If he is really “crazy about you” then he should be able to listen to you instead of blaming all this on you being “insecure”. I can tell you are not an insecure person, but this situation DOES MAKE ANYONE BE INSECURE. You don’t know him well yet, of course there is going to be something to be insecure about, specially if a friend who also is his ex is THAT CLOSE to him. Is not normal at all. There is something there they both are not accepting.
Hope this helps, If I were you, I still would try to meet this Kim so I can be 100% sure
OOP
Thank you. I really just felt so nervous about the whole thing. I kept telling myself I was overthinking it all and it was fine but my gut told me otherwise.
I only got texted by Kim, he never even texted me. Not until days later to ask if I had found a new wedding “date” (which i have!) and i told him and he never responded.
I might meet with Kim, but in a public place and I guess i’ll just listen to what she has to say. I see no point in it tho so i’m undecided.
UPDATE: I broke up with a guy because his best friend is a female - rareddit June 15, 2020
Firstly, WOW! this post blew up on me more than my family did. So thank you guys! I figured I’d post an update with the proper account name so it …
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1gho8bt/i_broke_up_with_a_guy_because_his_best_friend_is/
Honestly Beck’s behaviour after the breakup was so much worse than what caused the breakup in the first place. I doubt anyone sane would be convinced to get back together with him the way he reacted
UPDATE: I broke up with a guy because his best friend is a female - rareddit June 15, 2020
Firstly, WOW! this post blew up on me more than my family did. So thank you guys! I figured I’d post an update with the proper account name so it won’t get taken down and you guys can know what happened.My first post got locked but here is the original post:
EDITED OUT THE OG POST
Now for the update:I did not respond to Kim but instead explained things to my mom and she sided with me completely. She told me that Beck had called his mom (who is a former coach of mine) and told her that I yelled at him and tried to manipulate him because I was feeling insecure. He said that I broke up with him when he wouldn’t do as I said. And she presumably contacted my mom afterwards.
As you will see from my post, this was not true. I told my mom this and described the situation. She understood how I felt and why I left him and said that he sounded like a prick and she was happy I didn’t bring him to my brothers party for his wedding.
I blocked Kim’s number and did my best to gently explain to his mom what really had happened. (understanding the whole time she’d probably believe her son over me) but surprisingly, she didn’t.
She did say that he genuinely cared about me and evidently I was a hot topic of conversation for awhile before all of this. Said he was crazy about me and was excited to see where our relationship would go. While she admitted her son was immature at times, but meant well. She was very nice about all of this so I really appreciated that.
I was genuine and understanding. I said that while I understood, I couldn’t just ignore the red flags presented to me, and, since nothing has changed other than him trying to have other people convince me it’s fine, well, then I made the right decision.
She said she understood and that was the end of it. With her at least.
The worst with Kim did not end until I almost had to quit my doordash job. (it’s not with doordash but for the sake of anonymity) I primarily deliver to elderly or families with children. But as I was unloading groceries out front of a house who had only ordered Bread, cheese, and bacon, I was a little confused but mostly just horrified when I realized who it was.
Kim had ordered from my line and gotten me to deliver to her house. She somehow found out I was working in her area(i didn’t know it was her area) and I guess she did her best to get ahold of me. So yeah, I met her. Not by choice but I did. (she ordered from her mother’s name im guessing because it wasn’t a “kim” who had ordered)
She immediately began questioning me about if I was still talking to Beck, if we were gonna get back together, if I had gotten over myself yet. However her expression told me she already knew but was just trying to annoy me in every way possible. Just in general being an absolute bitch. I was polite at first until she asked me about getting over myself to which I said (off of reddits advice so its really your guys’ fault LOL) if she had gotten over the fact that her boyfriend got dumped.
She didn’t take that well and didn’t take the bag of bacon I was trying to give her. Fine by me, because, legally, if a customer declines a product you bring them, you refund them and keep whatever it is since you usually can’t return a food item. So im eating some crispy yummy freedom bacon as I type.
I left and it’s been pretty quiet. I have a new date to my brothers wedding party thing, and he is definitely just a friend but Beck and Kim don’t know that so Im gonna be posting LOTS of pictures and dancing with him all night. We’ve both planned on this btw and he knows everything so it’s even funnier that way.
Beck has been stalking my social media, unliking and then liking posts. He even reported a picture of mine that had me and another male in it. He’ll probably be like this for a little while longer and then drop everything but it’s kind of funny to watch.
I’m moving on, and overall am single, and happy.
Thanks for the advice, Reddit. Appreciate you guys. <3
FINAL COMMENTS
[deleted]
I just wanna say, you should block Beck. The fact that he’s telling lies and having other people confront you, and low key stalking you on social media, is a red flag. That kind of stuff can easily inflate into something much bigger. Rejection is a big thing for potential stalkers. Take care of yourself girl, you did the right thing.
OOP
I have unadded him on everything, I genuinely think if I go as far as blocking him it would just blow up again. Don’t want to give him anymore ideas lol
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP’s OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
