I’m pretty close with this person outside of work and we used to have good non-work conversations but now I feel all I get is stories and photos of her children. We work in a tight knit team so I can’t really avoid them.
I got no less than 3 updates this weekend about a sports event with her kids including photos; more photos and another update about said event this morning; another photo of another child; updates about what her toddler was doing, and updates about how her kid made the track and field team and she absolutely needs to take time off work to go.
I don’t ask for this and I don’t really respond when she does it. I prefer to talk about other things. We used to talk about other things and now it’s kids 99% of the time to the point where it feels really one-sided. I tried to talk about a concert I went to this weekend and got really lukewarm reception.
I’m thinking I need to tone it down and say goodbye to the relationship/chit chat for a while? I feel if I tell her bluntly I’m tired of hearing about her children it will hurt her feelings. Any ideas?
I think it’s fair to not be interested in hearing about kids, but the reality is that may mean you aren’t interested in their life any more (and thus you aren’t interested in having a relationship with the person they’re able to be now). It’s likely to hurt their feelings if they mourn their past life themselves, but that doesn’t mean hurt is avoidable here. It’s also possible they love their new life and will not be bothered by moving on from their relationship with you, at least for a few years.
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See, it’s annoying, but at least these are people who genuinely wanted kids and who take good care of them. It’s especially nice to see dads fangirl over their kids, because historically it’s been acceptable for dads to take a back seat. I get much more annoyed when I see people who can’t pay their bills as it is and think now is a GREAT time to have another kid, or when a woman is pregnant with her fourth kid from fourth baby daddy and the first three have already been left to fend for themselves. Loved and wanted and responsibly produced kids aren’t a hill I’m looking to die on.
There are better and worse ways to tell someone that they’re annoying. You know them better than we do and can better predict how they’ll respond, but saying something along the lines of “hey it seems like you’ve been really busy with your kids, totally fine, let me know when you have time to catch up” would work in a lot of cases. There’s nothing wrong with telling people that you have a life outside of childcare. Of course, it’s possible that you might grow apart, but that’s OK if you’re comfortable with it - you’re not stuck in your existing social circle. Take this opportunity to go out and meet new people.
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You could try to sugarcoat your feelings a bit instead of going bluntly. But definitely, you need to take some distance, it seems to really weight on you.
You could try asking how she is doing, not her family.
Realistically, a lot of parents are so enmeshed/co-dependent they’ll misperceive any negativity (or lack of sufficient positivity) as an attack.
That’s not a bad tactic. This morning I was like “wow you’re so busy I can’t wait to see what you get up to when the kids are gone to university.”
I totally feel you, i knew people like this kind too and sadly the only way to make them pause this topic is to have a little pause on friendship or to tell the hard truth that you don’t like kids (if you do). I found no other way to stop people from talking about this topic.
Yeah she knows I hate kids. When she told me about the weekend I responded “That sounds like my personal hell.”
Idk I guess I need to fade out for a while. I don’t know how to give her a stronger hint that isn’t hurtful!
It’s really socially acceptable and even encouraged for moms to make motherhood their whole identity. I personally hate how their own sense of self is lost and they become wrapped up in being martyr for their children. Unless you’re into that, it’s time to say goodbye, while treasuring and respectibn the good times you had with this person in the past. They’re just changed now and gone to a place where you can’t follow.
