Not the bad porn script you were expecting, I swear. šŸ™ƒ

So hereā€™s one for fans of grey areas.

SO has brought two daughters and a son into our relationship. Theyā€™re all young adults now. We generally get along well and Iā€™m a trusted third party and, according to the then-minor younger daughter, a good source for pregnancy tests and the such ā€œbecause youā€™re the least likely to freak outā€.

Weā€™re generally a very open and judgement-free family, and Iā€™m immensely proud of the fact that the kids feel comfortable talking freely about love and sex with both of us despite their ā€˜traditionalā€™ catholic indoctrination upbringing. Weā€™ve established that we can talk about anything but wonā€™t go into detail about their or my personal preferences. This works very well and thereā€™s a lot of trust. Whenever their motherā€™s not around, the kids talk to me about whateverā€™s on their mind (anything really, not just love/sex stuff).

Thereā€™s one thing that makes me slightly uncomfortable though, and Iā€™m not sure if Iā€™m the one whoā€™s at fault here. Itā€™s the older daughterā€™s choice of clothing at home. Especially in summer and near the pool, she often walks around in a t-shirt or scant bikini top and panties whose front just about covers the crack and whose back leaves nothing to the imagination.

Iā€™m very happy that sheā€™s both happy enough with her body and feels comfortable enough around me to walk around this way. Especially the former has been a bit of work on her motherā€™s part.

Now my own background is that I come from a very uptight family myself (sex is an evil and shameful thing that the wife endures because she owes it to her husband) but am very open now (swinger clubs, former co-host for BDSM meetings etc.). I also have a minor degree in both communication and sex therapy.
Still you never entirely shake off an upbringing based entirely on shame and guilt, and occasionally thereā€™s a situation that instinctively makes me uncomfortable, but upon closer inspection I conclude that it really shouldnā€™t.

Iā€™m currently trying to figure out whether this is one of those false-alarm situations, and it really bothers me.
On the one hand, ā€œyou donā€™t wear that kind of outfit in front of men youā€™re not biologically related to.ā€
On the other hand, why not? She should be able to wear whatever sheā€™s comfortable with in the privacy of our home. And you canā€™t make a request such as ā€œdress more modestlyā€ without it smelling of misogyny.
On the other other hand, it would definitely be inappropriate for her to walk around entirely in the nude, so thereā€™s got to be a line somewhere.

(Let me add that sheā€™s never even remotely tried anything, and I really donā€™t think of her in ā€˜thatā€™ way, so thatā€™s not the issue.)

TL;DR: Adult stepdaughter sometimes wears revealing clothes, makes me uncomfortable, not sure if itā€™s supposed to. Nothing fishy going on.

EDIT: Wow, so much food for thought. I donā€™t think Iā€™m going to be able to reply to everyone individually, but Iā€™ve come to realize that what makes me uncomfortable is probably the idea that she or other people around us might feel uncomfortable, and in the classic stepfather-stepdaughter constellation I could be seen as a potential ā€˜perpetratorā€™, which Iā€™d need to protect myself against. So itā€™s really just mostly me worrying about what other people might think (but probably donā€™t).
But the point is, if sheā€™s comfortable thereā€™s really nothing tangible for me to worry about.

  • nixnoodle@beehaw.org
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    1 year ago

    Not sure if I can give you specific advice, but I would say that your statement that her being naked around you is also a cultural ā€œlineā€ thatā€™s not written in stone. Now Iā€™m assuming that youā€™re from the US, Iā€™m from a European country where many people donā€™t have that line. While I donā€™t have any step family of my own, I can say that Iā€™ve seen and been around many of my in-laws naked without there being any issue. I also grew up in a family where we all saw each other naked all the time, and my wife have a stepfather whoā€™s seen her naked since she and her mom moved in with him when she was about 14. That being said, even in my country I know friends from other families where that would be considered weird, so Iā€™m not trying to say your thinking is inherently wrong. Maybe you should start by discussing this with your partner to get their view on it?

    • Radiant_sir_radiant@beehaw.orgOP
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      1 year ago

      but I would say that your statement that her being naked around you is also a cultural ā€œlineā€ thatā€™s not written in stone

      I agree with you in principle. Let me elaborate.
      Thereā€™s nothing wrong with nudity per se. However, in this particular case, suddenly walking around in the nude would be so much outside the norms that we as a family have lived for years that it couldnā€™t not be a statement of some kind. So maybe I should have written ā€œit would definitely be inappropriate for her to walk around entirely in the nude without explaining the reason to the other family members firstā€ instead.
      Also, friends might come over unannounced, and theyā€™re not guaranteed to be as nonchalant about it or not stare, soā€¦