Welp, it’s been ~10 weeks since this community’s been revived. Glad to have revived it more.
Sorry if i don’t reply to everyone. I read all your comments, though!
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Hey,
So I feel down. I’ve been feeling bad for 3 weeks now, despite the meds.
It all started with a woman with whom I shared this very quick, powerful attachment, which suddenly turned around into… Something else ; I’m not sure what yet, but in any case I fucked it up.
Along the way (and thanks to her) I’ve ended up realizing a bunch of messed up stuff about myself, and I’m now questioning basically everything about my life, including some of my closest friends, who I truly am under all the layers of bits I took from them… And now I’m confused, ashamed at my confusion, ashamed in general, feeling guilty about that messed up stuff, and pretty lonely.
I need to work on all that, but I keep procrastinating the emotional work it requires. Or maybe I’m just impatient ; I have started some stuff : I’m in the process of switching therapists for example. But the mood is still most of the way down.
Feeling oddly down and defeated these last two days. And it seems to be reaching a peak right now. Getting irrational thoughts like feeling like I should just delete Lemmy and everything else and complete the process of giving up on life. Finding some train tracks to lie on somewhere or something. Everything is shit, my life has become a literal figurative dumpster fire with no way out and nothing much to live for, and even escaping into this online double life where I can at least speak and be my truth is feeling like a pointless waste of time right now.
Not expecting anyone to respond, or even read. Not sure why I’m even posting this, maybe letting it out will somehow make me feel better again. I’m just so tired that I feel like going to sleep and never waking up again.
Is Lemmy and this online double life you escape to the way you normally cope? Do you see someone in real life about those feelings?
I hope they leave you alone soon.
These days it’s 100% how I cope because it’s the only place where I can really be me and feel like I actually have friends or at the very least, community. My life in the real world is pretty fucked these days. Mostly due to (un)employment and (lack of) money aka independence and happiness.
I tried going through the public healthcare system to see someone and it was a complete waste of time and made me feel stupid and kinda humiliated for even trying. To explain that would require an essay. So I’d like to get some help but just like anything else that improves one’s life, money money money.
Edit: thanks for the kind words.
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Yw :) I’ve never heard of this. Are you seeing someone about it? Either way, I hope it stops soon
How are YOU doing? Here you are providing this space for people to offload and actually reading things and responding to things but what about you? A couple of weeks ago you seemed to be going through a hard time. Getting control of the anxiety?
Thanks for asking. Life’s always a struggle for me anyways, but a couple of weeks ago it was pretty horrible. Constant panic attacks and (as previous post put it) i had to deal with the grief of a dead relative. I also neglected to take my meds, so that definitely had a hand.
I’m doing eh now, but better than before. I’m glad you cared enough to ask, though :)
Eh is better than bad, at least. Although still not great. And dealing with death is never easy, even for people that don’t have to deal with things like anxiety and depression. So I can definitely understand how that would start a downward spiral. Sorry for your loss, for what it’s worth.
Glad that you’re pulling through. Sometimes eh is the best we can ask for. I think that’s been my best for a while now too.
I’ve been staying alive by saying “I can always kill myself tomorrow”
I procrastinate every other thing so it’s been a great strategy
Pretty good! Chillin on the porch with a j listening to awesome reggae. Sun is out, birds singing. It’s a good day.
