Honestly, fuck isGlitch. They have no idea how to construct satire. Half the headlines would not stand out on The Register, and the rest usually fumble a decent premise. They desperately need an editor.

• Microsoft Introduces Nuclear-Powered Chatbot That Still Can’t Tell If Image Contains Hot Dog

The silliest part of this is simply true, and the punchline is just dumb. The premise is ‘all that power, and they still can’t [trivial thing]?’ Except “Not Hot Dog” was famously a real thing, a decade ago. HBO defictionalized that specific trivial thing. They would be better-off with a cheap reference like “still can’t tell why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch.”

• Musk: “Resistance Is Futile,” Vows DOGE War on Fire Departments

Crossposts show a bunch of people taking this seriously, which is a sign that you failed at satire. It’s not “eating the onion.” This is the hellscape we live in, and the absurd elements invoked are plausible. Do something about replacing firetrucks with Cybertrucks. They’re a free laugh and you can suggest they’re never far from a raging inferno.

• Roku’s “Breaking Point” Study Measures Exact Moment Users Throw TVs Out Window

This one’s good. No notes.

• Reddit’s “ThoughtCrime AI” Can Ban You for Thinking About Luigi

Revise, revise, revise. A punchline needs to hit. You already used “thought” at the start, so it can’t be the reveal. Also that’s not what thoughtcrime means. You could almost reference facecrime by saying it censors based on typing, like if you linger too long after “I think Elon should”. Banning based on what you type and delete is sadly plausible.

• Tesla Anonymous: Where Owners Hide Cars Like Shameful Secrets

This reads like an actual thing. And it’s purple as hell. Scrap it and reach for the absurd: “Tesla offers giant Groucho Marx glasses to disguise cars.” “Model S owner makes engine noises with mouth to fool nearby drivers.” “Ashamed Tesla driver seen charging parade float.” “Conversion kits disguise Cybertruck as less-embarrassing Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.”

• Study on Deadly Email Signatures Kills Six People With Traffic

Again, “deadly” can’t be the second word and the punchline. This is aiming for the absurdity of “Deadly Super Rainbow Tears Through West Coast” but whiffs. (Honestly that Onion classic could’ve been rearranged.) And the study killed six? The study generated traffic? This should be about a FEMA cleanup effort, or saying people were “buried alive.”

• OpenAI Proposes “Creator Conscription Act” to Draft All Artists

Absurd beyond belief: check. Humorous: not so much. It’s not great at first blush, and it doesn’t get better as you think about it. They already take everyone’s art. If anything OpenAI would want people coerced into drawing, so they have more to scrape.

• Saudi Prince: Catch Embassy-Exclusive Rare Pokémon Now

Punchline goes at the end.